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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 13:43

I agree with Jess. I'd send for them both using the mother's name as a checking point but not mentioning the word ADOPTED as they might refuse to send out the certificate.

Sue (Sylvia Z )

Sue (Sylvia Z ) Report 29 Mar 2005 13:47

Hi to everyone, I have just caught up with all posts since Wednesday, such a lot has happened on here, I was holding my breath for the next instalment!! Julia, Don't ever feel you are obsessed, it is more that you are 'driven' in your search. I hope you have a breakthrough soon. Are there any members of GR in Mallorca, who could look in the phone directory for you, it might be worth a post on the General board. Donna, I'm sorry to hear about your adopted father, perhaps he feels unsure how it will all work out and also may think you will 'reject' him. Try to explain that you need to know about your 'roots' and that it is still early days for your relationship with your new family. Jules, I am so pleased that you have family to meet, it must be awesome for you. I am sorry that your adopted family have caused you grief, it is the last thing you need. Perhaps a clean break will help, but remember that you can always control the pace at which you get to know your new family. Lou, I am thrilled that you have spoken to your BM, how scary must that have been!! Can't wait to hear what happens when you meet. Lorraine, I really feel for you, you have put in so much emotionally, that you probably can't believe what has happened. I hope it can be resolved. Is there any way you could use a mediator, if you haven't already, to get in touch with your BM? Jess, I am sorry to hear about your adoptive mother. My adoptive mother has Alzheimers, so if there is any help I can give, let me know,please. Becky, If I can be of any help, let me know. I am going to the Family Records Centre next week, so could do a look up for you, there is a section on Foreign and Consular Births, Deaths and Marriages, next door to the Adoptions Section. That offer is open to any of you on this posting as well. As an update, I have had no replies to the advert I placed in the Polish Daily newspaper. But I'm still hopeful that I may get a lead. Best wishes to you all, Sue


Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 13:52

Liz If you need a shoulder, I'm here! Lou

Sue (Sylvia Z )

Sue (Sylvia Z ) Report 29 Mar 2005 13:54

Hello Lizloojay, Can I help?? Sue

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 14:01

you ok Liz?...missed you lately jess x


Rainey Report 29 Mar 2005 14:59

hi sue i dont think it can be resolved as i dont want to cause anyone any heartache or upset, so i am now going to wait to see my adoption file and see what that comes back with, i am not sure what the adoption file will contain, it seems like a life time waiting for it, i am hoping that my birth fathers name mite be in it, but as b/m dosent want to know, then i doubt whether my b/f will want to know either that would be just my luck. love lorraine xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 15:20

Liz, thats sad, wonder if they do it vying for his attention over you. 'dads and daughters ' is always precious and guess she resent having to share him with you jess


Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 16:57

Becky I had a similar problem but managed to get round it by ordering it directly from the Register Office NOT thru the GRO. It's not London is it???? Lou


Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 17:20

Hiya all, I am using my friend's account to post this, my name is Ian. I have just found my birth brother, I am 100% sure it is him, he has added my birth father's and my birth mother's names to his tree and they all come from where I was born - I am stunned, I don't know what to say to him... Does he know about me? Will he get my message? Will he reply? What will happen? Can I handle this? This is very daunting and I am terrified! Half of me wants to do nothing and avoid the stress, the other half is yearning for discovery. I want to know, but I'm afraid of what I will find... any words of re-assurance or advice would be greatly appreciated, I am a 32 year man filled with belly butterflies, very apprehensive, feeling strangely helpless.

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 17:31

welcome Ian - wow what a place to be at , scared and apprehensive -i'll bet! for clarification- was your birth brother also given for adoption or just you? Jess


Unknown Report 29 Mar 2005 19:48

Hiya Jess, I don't really know, I have never met my mother, father or brother, I just know their names and that my brother was two years older than me. He may have been adopted, I have no idea. - Ian


Sheila Report 29 Mar 2005 20:29

Hi Ian, Have you ever viewed your adoption records? do you know if you have the same father as well, its possible that he has entered their details in his tree to place a message on the TTF board have you looked on there to see if there is anything? Hi Rainy Girl :O) Just got back from a week in Paris with my birth sister and our husbands, we have out birthdays a week apart so it was a joint celabration. I can't believe it's only a year since we first met and she flew to Germany on my birthday to meet me, feel like she has been around forever. Donna, Hard though it may be hold of a little on calling your sisters we all come to terms with this at different stages, don't forget when you are activley searchig for your birth family you have time to come to terms with all this information for a lot of them, it comes like a bolt out the blue, and they need time to adjust, hopefully you will hear soon. Sylvia Still no luck then, keep trying something must turn up its just a question of time. Jess, Still got my fingers crossed for you, so I hope he phones soon, before i get cramp :O)) Everyone out there still searching stay posative, look at the success board or just total up the number of re-unions of this thread alone, to see it can happen!! Take Care All Sheila


Julia Report 29 Mar 2005 20:32

hi Ian, i cant offer advice as i am still searching for my birth mother and Brother, but wish you all the best and hope it all goes ok for you. I felt really down before i joined this thread, but everyone has been so supportive and given me inspiration to carry on. Am sending you a cyber hug for good luck. Julia.X

The Bag

The Bag Report 29 Mar 2005 21:33

Ian- think you need to get hold of your adoption file - hopefully it will tell you of the circumstances surrounding your adoption and any children born before you (hopefully!) Jess


Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 07:45

Hi guys, I'm not going to be on site much this week. Need a bit of a breather. I will still pop in now and again to catch up and if anyone needs to talk just email me direct. I'll be there. I have quite a bit of info to get my head around and I keep being told to take a little time out, but I'm addicted !!! Jess have you heard anymore from your bro? Donna how did the meeting go last night? Lou How are things going ? Have things stopped falling out of the closet yet? Ian Hang on in there. Keep chatting on here it will help to talk about things wether that be good or bad. It not only helps you but other people on here that either just read the msgs or actually join in. If you ever need us just shout. All the best . Everyone stay strong. loves Jules


Sheila Report 30 Mar 2005 09:44

Hi Jules, Not a bad idea have a few days away to re-charge your batteries and get your head around everything, we will still all be here when you come back, hope things go well for you, and if you need to chat were all here ! Ian Jess is right if your brother is older then there will be soemthing in your adoption file about him (its only when they are younger the cant give you information, at least you should find out if he was adotped) even though my adoption was private there were still notes in my younger sisters file, even though Nugents had not handled the cae (bad news is they take months to acess :O( . Have you your fathers name, e-mail me direct and tell me what you have and I will see if I can find him on my infor diska., also did you see if there was a message on the TTF board that how you can sometimes find adopted siblings names on here the post birth details but on the TTF board they willl show up with their current name. Donna, Hope everythign went well with your Aunty and cousins, maybe now they have met you they will report back to your sisters and this will give them to spur they need to get in touch, hope so,let us know how it all went. Enjoy your break Jules!! Sheila


Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 10:14

Hi All I'm back on the ground now after the shock of speaking to her last week with no notice whatsoever that she was about to call me! And now that I AM over the initial shock and can play back the conversation in my head, I'm remembering more things that were said that I'd forgotton immediately afterwards. It's struck me that, assuming she is telling me the truth and I've no reason to think she isn't cos she was brutally honest about everything, the majority of the information contained in my adoption file was total crap. There was NO mention of the fact that she had already had a child before me, it said she was 17 when she had me when in fact she was almost 21, it even gave the wrong christian name for her which is why it took me so long to find her. She also said that she was encouraged to leave a letter for me to be given to me when I was 18. She painstakingly wrote this letter trying to explain why she had given me up for adoption and how much she loved me. That letter was not in my file. I rang Social Services yesterday and spoke to the woman I had my counselling session with. I explained that I had spoken to BM and about this letter and she was very casual and just said 'Well things get lost over the years' I'm still really angry cos although I know everything now, I would still like to have seen that letter that must have taken her real effort to write. Not once during our phone call was my 'father' mentioned and much as I'd like to know whether what was said about HIM in the adoption file has any grain of truth to it, I'm not going to mention him unless she ever does. I don't know how painful the memory of 'him' is for her and he's of no interest to me really from a locating him point of view. I have no desire to go seeking him. I haven't heard from her since we spoke last week and although I'm itching to find out whether she has spoken to my half brothers and told them that we've spoken, I'm going to leave it and see whether she contacts me again! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 30 Mar 2005 10:25

morning Lou; have copied and pasted below one of your thoughts ''She also said that she was encouraged to leave a letter for me to be given to me when I was 18. She painstakingly wrote this letter trying to explain why she had given me up for adoption and how much she loved me. That letter was not in my file''. Really? -i would have thought this most unusual for the times in which we were adopted.All the promises birth mothers were made about how they would never be tracable etc.... There is no reason for her to bullshit you although with the other seeming lies in your file it makes you wonder about 'truth's'. I know you don't look at all this thru' rose tinted specs and more than I do, I wonder if there was any way you could find out if it was the particular agency policy to ask for such a letter, and wonder why this document should be 'lost' and not other documentation My 'bottomline' thinking on this bit - Don't be angry - with yourself or anyone - You are taking her word for things that may not be true. Jess xx


Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 10:46

Hi Jess Like I was saying to Liz yesterday, the woman I spoke to said it was quite normal for the birth mother to be encouraged to leave a letter and/or gifts for the child. She was also asked whether she wanted to sign a form giving consent for me to contact her when I was old enough but her mother told her to say no! The gifts she left with the agency I DID get, I have photos of me wearing the clothes and Mum and Dad were always quite open about the fact that my BM had left them for me with the foster mother for them to collect when they went to bring me home. However, with regards to the letter, the excuse was that my adoption was thru a private agency and when that closed and all the files were transferred to the local Social Services, a lot of information was lost in the move. Nothing I can do about it now though! Lou


Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 11:47

Hiya all, I'm a bit more calm today after yesterday's revelation, I've done some digging around and found a few things out, my brother was being looked after by my b/grandmother at the time of my adoption and I have a newspaper cutting which seems to be from about Dec 1974; 20 months after my birth which has a picture of my b/mother and a notice from the police asking for info on a missing person (my b/mother). It says she was 20 at the time but that would mean she was born 54/55, and the person I am assuming is my brother has listed her D.O.B as 1950. At first I wondered if I had made a mistake, but the unussual names and other dates he put on this site are too acurate too be a co-incident. I am wondering now if indeed he was adopted himself and doesn't know alot about his mother, I also found out her middle name, which he omitted from his information. I also found out my birth middle name, it is the name of a place nearby, nothing funny like abergavenny! But it is Welsh, my mam (adopted) said she told me this when I was eighteen, I must have been too interested in girls at the time because I forgot all about it! Sheila, Thanks, I'll email you later with what I have, thank you for your offer of help. I have looked through the TTF posts but found nothing (it took ages!) I'm going to try and find out where to get my adoption file later today if I can, I'll let you know if I find anything. Julia, Thanks for support, I hope you find your mother and brother and wish you every blessing in your search, stay with it. You are right about this thread, it is awesome - many thanks to Jess for starting it. Jules, Thanks for message, wow you met your sister! Maybe I'll get to meet my brother, still wondering if he knows anything about me, what a suprise he could have! Jess, I'm gonna try to find out about my file today, I have had an email from Joan Allan who has asked if I would like to phone her for help - Thanks for the thread. Joan, I'll try and phone you soon, thankyou for your offer - 'bit nervous on the phone, 'bit nervous about all of this! Many thanks - Ian