General Chat

Hi all,

to cut a very long story short my 3rd child has a half brother and sister. We know where they are but their mother (who used to be my best friend....told you long story) has so far refused to tell them my daughter exists. She is older than them. The paternal grandparents want them all to meet up but are worried that by 'forcing' the issue they will lose contact. This I understand. My ex went off with my friend when I was pregnant with our daughter, this is behind me now and has been for a long time but for some reason she cant do the same.

Anyway, my daughter has just added a friend on FB and realised that a friend of ths friend is in fact one of her half siblings...... They are so alike its amazing. She has wanted to meet her half siblings for ages and I have always been happy to facilitate this. Despite my hubby adopting her we have always been open and she has always known of her 'birth' father and his family. She regularly writes to her grandparents and visits when we are in the UK.

She wants to contact this half sibling but we are both unsure, probably still in shock to be honest. Btw I hate the term 'half' but it appropriate in this forum so as to explain. My hubby just says get on with it and get in touch..........................

love Theresa

its a tough one isnt it,

keeping everyone happy

but the important ones are you and the kids concerned,

id say better now than at a sad occassion ,
and they are bound to meet there,

if grandparents want them to meet, maybe a party for the grandparents,
or a buffet type meet,

they already likely to meet on facebook before long,
you cant stop kids, can you,

best of luck with it anyway,
hope the kids enjoy each others company

Thanks Julie,

The Grandparents and paternal aunts have been warning the mother that the world is a small place, in light of the internet, for some time now.

My girl has been back in contact with them for a few years now but we could so easily have waited too long. We only got in touch as early as we did because we saw their business has shut and discovered this was due to a potentially fatal condition. My daughter had said she was going to wait until she was 18 but due to this illness I suggested that she shouldnt wait too long. Thankfully we were welcomed. Her biological father is too 'scared' to have contact becuase he is worried his access will be withdrawn. Having said that, they are not babies anymore and will choose who to see.

I cant believe how alike they look.............still shocked.

love T.x

its nice your daughter sounds so mature to deal with it,

you must be proud of her,

shes got back in touch at right time, and good on her, her grandparents must be pleased, its nice to have them in her life,

it is a strange feeling seeing two siblings alike that have never been together isnt it,
youll always have that feeling its like wow thats weird, (in a good sense, lol)
i felt like that when my hubby met his sister , at 40 year old, and theyd never ever met in thier lives till then, didnt even know each other existed till few months before, every time i thought of how they found each other it was weird, like you almost dreamt it

i hope your daughter and her sister have many years of fun when they do meet

n.................??

Hi Theresa

Perhaps the girls themselves will become good friends without adult intervention.

haven't really got any advice as it is a tricky one, Good luck though :-)

Susan
x

Susan,

i hope so!

My young lady has send an add request to her half sibling tonite without stating why. Sometimes young people add without thought so maybe this is the start of a new friendship beofre anything else.

If only the other children knew of my girl they might understand another person adding from a far away place...........

Its a game that must be played out unfortunately. I told my girl tonite that at least she has made every effort so far, no-one could say she has not tried!

love t.x

Well, my daughter added her half-sister and shortly after the half-sister sent a message saying 'who are you?' My daughter didnt reply directly but asked if 'S' was going to visit her Nan and Grandad....

She left it at that as it didnt feel appropriate to be the one who told her that she had an older sister (on my advice).

Over the last 10 days or so the situation has escalated. My ex-best-friend found out that her daughter and my daughter were FB friends. My daughter was deleted. Then her half sister added her again; again asking 'who are you?' This time my girl didnt answer.

Through the grapevine I believe my ex will tell his daughter about my daughter (his eldest biological child), this Wednesday....

I speak to his eldest sister and parents. I speak to her sister and neice, I was there when the neice was born and this was a major reason for my choosing midwifery....or it choosing me!!

I am now getting cross that their inability to move on from their indiscretions is hampering my daughters attempts to find out more about herself. (BTW they have been separated/divorced for over 10 years now.)

Everyone around me is now getting frustrated with me as they feel I am advising my daughter incorrectly. They think she should just tell her half-sister who she is......... I feel that she should give the parents a last chance to tell the truth. Then consider her options.

Arghhhhhh. I know this is getting my daughter down as she is watching me field, well meaning, 'suggestions' from family who think they know. Consequently I have no-one 'safe' to discuss this with.............Which is why I am here.......lol

TBH I am glad we are here and they are all in the UK....

Anyone out there with any advice or words of wisdom? Am I doing the right thing in the way I am advising my daughter? I have a carefully drafted letter on my laptop to my ex asking him to please consider my daughter feelings but havent sent it...............................

Any advice would be great, at least my daughter isnt in the middle of it here!

love Theresa

If I may butt in. ;)

One thing you haven't said is how old the three kids are, and especially the two youngest ones, and the age gap with your daughter.

That does make a diff when it comes to who should say what. The closer to adulthood the kids, the more it would be reasonable to let them sort it out among themselves. But if the other two really are kids still, hearing the story from your daughter could cause upset for them.

I'd say waiting the short time to see whether their father does the sensible thing and talks to his other two kids this week makes sense. Since you asked. ;)

Theresa, what a predicament for you and something that should never have happened in that the children should have been told from the start about their older half sister. My son's half brother was told we were family friends when we visited Malta when the half brother was just three, we didn't visit again but my son's Nan never had his photo out with the rest of the family pics. In 2007 my son and I were invited to the baptism of the daughter of one of his Maltese/English cousins, we have been in scant contact with them over the years and met up with them a couple of times. We stayed overnight with the cousin who accept me as part of the family even tho I have no legal ties as never married his dad, and we all got on well and they sent photos with me and my son on with them at the baptism to the grandmother and aunt who live together. A call from them asked who we were and when told it was us (I hadn't realised I had not sent photos for such a long while ) it seemed to create a bit of a stir, Oh we can't put those out etc. Seemed they didn't want to upset stepmother, she seems to have some kind of hold over them altho family in England can't stand her! Anyway my son's uncle spoke to his mother in Malta and his brother, my son's dad, and when we went for a visit for my 60th and son to see his Nan after her 80th, we were welcomed with open arms (Nan and aunt always did have us round to see them if we went over) and best of all the photo of my son with his cousins etc was out on display! Son was given his dad's number and they met up a couple of times and he was taken to lunch with his stepmother and half brother altho nothing was said, they all got on ok, and the second time son asked his Dad if his half brother knew who he was (half bro was 15, my son 25). His Dad said yes, he had told him before we visited and at first the boy thought his Dad was joking but then was ok with it and the boys bonded. Now they are in touch through facebook and email occasionally so if son goes to Malta again everything is out in the open and good altho won't ever be really close obviously, mainly due to distance involved.

I hope your ex will talk to his other children and explain the situation and that some sort of civil contact can be made, even if they and your daughter don't become close, at least they will know each other exist.

My o.h. has a daughter from very young relationship, he never saw her except when she was small and it went to court but altho it was stated she was his daughter, he never had to pay maintenance and didn't stay in touch, but he has never told his sons, who are 7 and 9 years younger than her, and never even told his ex wife . He didn't meet the girl when her mum made contact near her 18th birthday so he wouldn't know her if she walked past him in the street, I have tried to find her but no luck.

i do hope things work out, I think sending the letter you wrote, if nothing happens over the next couple of weeks, might help things along. Just hope your girl doesn't end up getting upset over it all, your exbest friend sounds a real stupid woman!


Lizx

Thanks Liz and EvieBeavie,

The other 2 children are 17 and 14. The 17yo has behavioural issues and apparently will not be aware of his half-sister. The 14yo is apparently quite grown up and with it! My daughter is not quite 18......... And to be honest the age issue is one of the things that concerns me.

However I am also very aware that 'S' has never been told the truth but my girl has said she also does not want to lie about who she is..... Thankfully she is a sensible 17yo nearly 18yo but she is still easily hurt. It is in this set of circumstances I am glad she did some of her growing up around London as she is a little tougher than my next daughter, who did most of her growing up around here and sems far too silly and innocent for a 15yo!!

In a way this could be a good story to warn about the perils of FB and other sites of a similar nature..... My girl has her photo on her page as does this half-sister and everyone has commented on the similarity.

Should my daughter go on avoiding the truth and therefore lying by default? I suppose that depends on whether 'S' would think that.....

Still not got this straight in my head but much happier to discuss it here rather than with my daughter being confused by the mass of advice being given to or overheard by her!

Liz,

Your story gives me hope....... Sometimes I wish I had never told my girl the truth, then should never have this burning desire to meet her half siblings. I would have felt awful then tho and the story could so easily been reversed!

love Theresa

Maybe the best thing is to suggest your daughter holds fire for a little longer, just sidestepping comment/questions from the 14 yr old or ignoring her altogether, till her father has done the responsible thing. I would think it is better the grandparents etc also hold back from saying anything, at least for another year or so, if father doesn't sort it out. If this girl sees the pics she might see the likeness and start asking her own questions of her mother.
Have you asked your daughter how she would want it dealt with if things were the other way round? Maybe if she thinks about it from that angle she will be ok about waiting a while.
Good luck, what a complicated thing life is with relationships as they are these days. Years ago there weren't so many marriage splits and different families and anyway, no facebook to stir things up lol

take care
Lizx

Liz,

I think my girl doesnt get the concept of not knowing...... because she always has done! Everyone is on edge. My daughters paternal grandparents, aunts and uncles. My ex-bestfriends sister and neice. My hubby who has raised my girl..... Me!! LOL Everyone around has 'good intentions' on my daughters behalf but I am worried.

In a way if I hadnt stepped in then maybe my daughter would have just told the truth and I wouldnt be stressing anymore.

It was just I observed her friends on FB and asked her to hold back. (BTW I always have monitored the kids internet activity.) Nearly 6 weeks later we still are..

I now wish I had just let them get on with it.......................

Thanks,

love Theresa

Just wanted to say - there's no "lying by default" going on if your daughter doesn't answer the question immediately.

Nobody has a moral duty to say anything to a child, let alone something that could upset the child. It would be lying to say "I'm a total stranger". It isn't lying to avoid the question for now.

It may not have been wise to add herself as a friend if she wasn't prepared to deal with the question, of course. That's what we call risky behaviour, that adolescents are good at. ;) Leap first, think about what to do later.

The whole thing does seem extremely unfortunate and entirely unnecessary, although it's hard to say when would have been a good time for all the children to know the truth. Obviously there was a time when they were too young to understand, and the bad feelings too close to the surface for the various adults. The time had to come sometime though, and realy it should have been some time ago now.

Your daughter has to be the adult in the situation now and do what is in the other girl's best interests. And it probably just isn't in her best interests for a stranger to tell her something her parents have withheld from her, just because of the bad feelings that will very certainly cause between her and her parents. For your daughter, it isn't "about" her right now, it's about the other girl.

I can just imagine how hard this has been for the grandparents. What a shame all round.

Thanks Evie,

The Grandparents have been great. They have been saying from the moment my ex had his 2nd family, a year later, the truth should always have been there. However their hands have been tied as they were threatened with 'no contact' should the truth come out. Its such a long story and exhausting at times, there is so much more that could be said to make this all make more sense. Funny how fate works things out!! If we hadnt been in the UK that particular month then we might not have even noticed their business had gone! They argued that when 'S' mother went on to have other children from her new relationship, this would have been another opportunity to tell the truth................. Alas that never happened.
Despite being 17 my young lady is still so young......... no boyfriends to speak of as yet. Still at school for at least one more year........ So innocent in so many ways. I love Ireland for that but it isnt always the best. This sort of situation is unusual here and she doesnt have any peers to talk to...

She is holding back and will for a while yet!

love Theresa

Theresa, you aren't at fault here, your ex is but what can you expect from someone who goes off with his wife's best friend while she is pregnant! Maybe we didn't make good choices lol Our kids are the only good things to come from those dodgy choices!
My son's half brother was coming up to 15 or just 15 when he was told and he isn't very worldly wise, living in Malta, but as I suggested before, if you maybe get your daughter to think about it the other way about, and try to imagine not knowing, and can persuade her to gently ignore the younger girl for a bit, things might work out ok. Is she not able to speak to her dad about it or isn't she in touch with him? My son's stepmother was the one who stopped son's dad from staying in touch, she was so jealous, for no reason as I wasn't interested in him any longer and wasn't on the scene, except for a short holiday, when she first met him, besides her being a lot younger than me or him, and quite attractive, not to mention having a well off father lol - he was always on the look out for the main chance!
I think if it were me I would give it a couple of weeks to see if your ex does anything and if not, send the letter you prepared, to him and see where that leads.

lots of luck,

Lizx

Not sure I have any suggestions, but who is the mutual FB friend? What does she/he know about the situation? I'm sure your daughter's half-sister must be quizzing the mutual friend.

Rose

Liz,

I always thought it was my ex-best-friend who caused the problems with him seeing our daughter when she was small but now I am not so sure. I've got to say, I dont understand her jealousy, I mean at the end of the day he walked away from his pregnant girlfriend for her............ He didnt bother then with my daughter after that, except a few fleeting visits when she insisted on being there!

Rose,

The link is the half-sisters God mother and 1st cousin, (who I was there to see being born).
Yes, I believe questions are being asked but these 2 people are under strict instructions not to say anything.... not from me! LOL
The 2 girls are so alike its unreal. I always thought my daughter looked like me!!!

TBH, I have half decided to try and forget about it all for the next few weeks as its beginning to impact on my life. I have assignments to finish and exams in May. I am then in hospital for a few days (fingers crossed as I have waited so long!) at the end of May and hopefully off to see my cousins in Staffs in June so I am hoping I can draw a line under it all for a short period.

That said if I do that I then feel I am not supporting my daughter.................arghhhh...

How does that saying go 'what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.......' (?)

love Theresa

hi teresa i had the same problem a few years ago i told my son at quite an early age he did not appear to be interested. until one day at my mothers funeral he was introduced to her by my ex and ever since they have got on like a house on fire for which i am glad as he lets me know how my daughter is . as i have not seen her for 45 yrs due to probs not all my fault . i hope tha t your daughter has the same happy ending . somerset man

Theresa, what with your exams etc and hospital you will need that visit to your cousin, I think you owe it to yourself to let things lie for a little while, it isn't not supporting your daughter, your health and all is important too and I am sure if you explain that you are there for her with this but need to concentrate on your exams and your health, she will understand. Let's face it, however streetwise or worldywise she is or not, she is almost an adult and must deal with this as she feels able to. It will all come out in the wash and you have done your best with the situation, leave it to the father now to sort out.
Good luck with the hospital stay,

Lizx

My son's stepmother used to come along all the time to pick him up and barely let father and son have any time alone together, it was a bit different this time but my son sees his father for what he is, weak willed and under the thumb cos she holds the purse strings. He is polite to them both, but isn't that bothered whether he is in touch or not, his stepmother phones him occasionally and then puts his father on, but won't use the word Dad, just his Christian name, she stopped him writing Daddy on cards when he used to be in touch more when my son was younger, and then she stopped the contact altogether when I tried to get him to put his name on my son's birth certificate.
It's funny you saying you thought your daughter looked like you, people used to say my lad looked a lot like me but when I saw a pic of him with his uncle you could see the family likeness and with his Nanna too, and as he gets older he looks more and more Maltese!