General Chat

Little Johnny's at it again


..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Postman wants to buy Mum.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me
there was a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available.

I took it. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and
it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35
minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
making such visits, but this time I was not going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in
Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an
extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The
rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out
from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No!!!".

She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my
glitter and sparkles saved inside it!"

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."

His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"

She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

great - love em all!! I have put a good one on too - take a look - Friday Night Giggle

R R breaks into a chorus of "little white cross on the hill"

Sue x

ROY ROGERS (anybody remember him) is riding along on Trigger when he is halted by a troop of us cavalry "where you going Roy ?" asked the sargeant "off home" said Roy.
"well your wife has been killed and scalped , your ranch burnt to the ground and all your livestock slaughtered"
With tears rolling down his cheeks Roy thanked the sargeant and began to head off to what was left of his life . When the sargeant called him back "one more thing Roy " " whats that " said Roy "will you sing us a song before you go"

Just eating my cheese on toast June....................brb

And then there was this little bloke who went into the pub. walked up to the bar and slipped on some dog s***t. He fell flat on his rear end, felt ever so slightly embarrassed, but got himself up and ordered a half (being a little chap, you understand)

Drinking it slowly, his embarrassment started to fade......

Enter stage left six foot four tall, six foot four wide, shaven haired brick built geezer. Also strolls up to the bar, looking a more than a tad menacing.

And he slips on the same dog s***t, and that's him, flat on the floor.

Small, weedy guy tries to get matey with Mr T. "I've just done that" he squeaks, seeking a bit of empathy.

Bet you can't guess what happend next!


Sue x



.

Granny come back ,youcant just clear off like that ...

Where's she gone ??

UM !!!!!!!

very good, very funny..............I nearly spat me wine then.........lol x

Granny I needed that laugh LOL

A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.

She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."

She gets her drink and goes away.

Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.

The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."






A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?”

He replies,”It died today.”

“Oh that’s terrible!”, the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, “I thought it died yesterday.”

The man replies, “It did. Today is the viewing”




The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."