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liz leave as is ...lol

*********and thats all Folks**********

A spinster died, but her sister could not afford a lot for the headstone. She wanted it to read "born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin". The undertaker told her it would be ready in a week, but he would have to shorten the wording. A week later the sister visited the grave and the headstone read "returned unopened"
Will delete if this offends anyone
Liz

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside to discover that his horse has been returned to the hitchin’ post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Sue did I ever introduce you to my daughter Maria lol

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the liner watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the wife back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: "Madam, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his backside was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth £50,000. Please advise."
The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

lololol @ Maria's Mama

Sue x

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you noticed. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the local newspaper and says to the young man behind the counter "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"
The man asks "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "Five pounds"
To which the man says "You won’t get many words for that. But write something and we'll see if it's OK".
So she writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".
The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the elderly lady to write a few more words.
She ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.
The clerk then reads, "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale.

A few days before his proctological examination, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office the man followed instructions, undressed and bent over.
The first thing the proctologist saw when he examined the man's backside was an eye staring right back at him.
"You know,” said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."




will remove if offends

A young man walks onto the stage of "Stars in their Eyes" on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet up to his hips. Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here", says Matthew, "please tell the audience what happened."
"Well", replies Simon, "about a year ago I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they could not save my legs."
"That's terrible" said Matthew, "but I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?"
"No, Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. The operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
"That's an unbelievable story. So who are you going to be?"
"Tonight Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle"

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his
left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir de pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!”

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – crikey, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book. Finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon, she telephones the place to check her husband's story.
"Is that the Golden Saloon?" she asks when someone answers the phone.
"Yes it is," The barman answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone last night!"

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'..............Well, I guess I just panicked."