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answers to Gcse questions

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire. These are genuine answers from 16 year olds.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Sorry Uzzi i shall be reporting this thread











i want to know how you got hold of my test papers

pmsl dead easy Keith

Lol Uzzi you'd be surprised what you have to right down when on amanuensis

hospitality/catering ~ What does the pastry chef do in the kitchen?

A he makes the curry

Maths~ What time does the train reach London if it leaves Banbury at 08 00

A depends if you go with virgin

RE ~ The afterlife ~ Explain the christian funeral what goes on and what is said ~ use the bible and christian points of view to back up your arguement

A If this is about god I aint doing it

English Lit ~ from the extract explain the charactor of Mrs Birling

A Do I have to I'd rather do Gerald thats what I revised

Bearing in mind you have to write word for word

roflmao :-))))))))))

I have read these before but they always make me laugh.

do so Claire as I c&p'd from my e-mail

Mel none of it surprises me really but they are funny

We had a funny incident on tuesday In exams its no phones exams allowed but my boss said I could take mine in as am on alert at mo well during the exam a phone kept ringing and everyone kept looking at me ~ it was my ring tone every time I checked it and looked at my boss It wasnt me ~ then this girl turn around and said "Miss will you answer you bl@@dy phone please we'm tryin to do and exam?" the next time it went it had come from HER bag not mine x

Those answers look alright to me.

I feel most secure knowing that the future of our great country is in the hands of true honesty ..................... rather than in the hands of those who currently represent us.