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I shared this with my golfing friends by email for I could not remember a joke that long. I added that the two Scottish golfing friends will be safe if the conclusion is true. Maybe I should send it to my doctor?
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Have you found that one week they say something is bad for you and the next week it isn't?
Liz
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> I went to the doctor the other day for health advice.
>
> This is our conversation
>
> Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can
> prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for
> so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on
> exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
> your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying
> you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
> Want to live longer? Take a nap.
>
> Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
> vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.
> What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
> Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
> mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
> grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of
> field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can
> give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
> vegetable products.
>
> Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
> A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
> distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
> fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
> Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
>
> Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
> A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
> is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
> to one, etc.
>
> Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
> regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one
> , sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
>
> Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
> A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these
> days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
> How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
> Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
> soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you
> exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be
> doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
> Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
> A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another
> vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
>
> Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
> A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
> to me.
>
> Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
> A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
> Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
> may have had about food and diets.
>
> And remember:
> 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
> intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
> preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
> Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
> thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO
> HOO, What a Ride' AND.....
>
> For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
> word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
> truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
>
> 1. The Japanese eat very little fat
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British .
>
> 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British .
>
> 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British
>
> 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
> and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British .
>
> 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
> sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
> British .
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> Eat and drink what you like.
> Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Aileen xxx
>
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