General Chat

Sum good'n's there!!!

Bob

N

A very loud, brash Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!” In reply the Australian said, "That's the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph! Call that a bridge?!" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”



The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men and probably half the cost!"

Politely, though a little non-plussed, the Australian guide just nodded and continued the tour. Next they went to the Sydney Opera House.


"What in the world is that unsightly piece of rubbish?" ejected the Texan.


Smarting with national pride and civil dignity, the guide retorted, "Don't you know what that is? That's the Sydney Opera House, one of the most recognised buildings in the world and a feat of civil engineering and design!"

"Hmmph!" snorted the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”


The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 2000 men. They had to build out into the bay, requiring the creation of new land and reinforced foundations.".


The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men. We'd 've diverted the river and then used the reclaimed land."

By this stage the Aussie guide was getting really peeved by the Texan's attitude and one-upmanship, so he decided to get some revenge. They walked around the Sydney Opera House and, emerging from behind the building, the Sydney Harbour Bridge came into view.

Immediately, the Texan exclaimed, "Phew! That's one tidy little bridge! How long did that take to build?"

The Aussie Engineer replied, "Strewth, I've no idea, but it wasn't there yesterday!"

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. The old ones are always the best and I wish that I could remember them at the right time!!

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will
either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace
your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices
I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new
play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to
Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response..

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like
having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John
Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of
dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always
yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...
for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't
it." - Groucho Marx

Oh oh.........The lads from the Gorbals wil be down to get yah now Brian.
Ruuuunnnnnnnnn ...............ha ha ha ;-0)

Deanna X

The manager of an up-market restaurant was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his stunning
blonde waitress for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University. I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The waitress thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

A group of friends went pig hunting and paired off in twos for the day.
That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight
of a huge boar. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,'
the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the pig?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter 'But I figured the locals are not going to steal Henry!'

The Community Constable pulled up next to a guy who was unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.
The Constable asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

A senior at Otago was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be in Invercargill..' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in
Invercargill because everything happens in Invercargill 20 years later than
in the rest of the civilized world.

The young man from Whangarei came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bro, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!'
Bro replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his licence number.'

A police patrol pulled over a Subaru station wagon on the Southern Motorway.
The officer asked, 'Got any I. D.?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

A man in Mt Roskill had a flat tyre, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A patrol officer studied the scene as
he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.The man replied, 'I ave a flet tyre.'
The officer asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you brek down dey tell you to put flares en the
front and flares en the back. Hey, it dun't make no sense to me iver.'

A guy runs into a bar and says, "Bartender, quick! Give me 20 shots of your best Scotch!"

So the bartender lines up 20 shots of his best Scotch and watches this guy down one after the other.
"Man," the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink shots that fast!"
"You'd drink them that fast too if you have what I have," the guy says.
"Oh my God," says the bartender, "what do you have?"


50 pence!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are inconvenienced by the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from a socially deprived area.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths sgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this is a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, their pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower