General Chat

Please

Ist class Post.

Dear Stephen,

I never ever expected to bury a Son, I always expected it to be the other way around, although I know you had to bury your own Son, and I thought I knew how you felt, thought I understood, but I did not, could not, comprehend the deep pain that stays with you forever. The ache that never leaves you. I understand now, wish I could have understood for you.

I keep remembering the last time I saw you. You rang me one Saturday and asked if you could bring your girlfriend across. You had moved in with her not long after you got together and I thought it was so quick, I guess you wanted to reassure me. I picked you up from the bus station, you had a can in one hand and a cigarette in the other, I thought that was strange as you were never a drinker. I guess you were nervous.

I am glad I made that little bit extra effort, I made a nice buffet and invited one of your other brothers around with his wife. The others had all made other arrangements, but you were happy to see us and smiled all night. I remember that you knocked a drink over and would not stop apologising, then you dropped your pizza and you went and got a green scourer and you were rubbing away at my carpet, I had to laugh, that carpets gone now, all I could see was you on your knees. By the next Saturday you were dead. You had planned to go and buy me my Mother’s day present, but you ended up in the hospital instead. You were going to buy me drawer handles, which you thought was a terrible present, but that is what I wanted, I have never bought those two missing handles Stephen, and I never will.

I have managed after four years to buy you a Memorial, I always said you were so young, did not belong in a cemetery and certainly did not want a head stone. But, courage took hold of me one day and I chose and ordered it, and now I am pleased I did. I hope you are pleased with it.

Because you died from SADS we knew that we would all have to be tested as this is hereditary and we thought we had the all clear, but a little over a year ago your 26 year old brother had a heart attack, he actually died but I believe you sent him back, saying, Mum cannot cope with losing another Son, so back you go. It was not SADS that caused this, but, they ran extensive tests on him and found out he was a SADS candidate. At the hospital they classed you as a SADS death and your brother as a failed SADS death, scary. But because of you he lives on, the same for your Cousin and two of his children. They all have defribs or pacemakers.

I have been classed as an inactive SADS carrier, which sometimes frightens me, as Mum died suddenly at 64, our Uncle at 47 and my brother at 58, my age. We now believe your beloved baby Stephen was a SIDS victim, they always say Cot Death, but in this case……

As it has been proved, or as much as they can, this hereditary silent killer comes from My Mum’s family, it means that I gave it to you, which is often hard to take, people say I did not know and it was not my fault, but……

Anyway Stephen, this was meant to be a short note as I know how impatient you are, but I have just rambled on, as usual.

I want to you know that I loved you in life and I love you in death. I know that you have been granted your dearest wish, to be with your Son, and for that I am happy for you, I just wish we could have stayed together a little longer, I could have played with my Grandson with you.

We never know what is around the corner, and if we did, we would probably do things a little different, petty things would not matter as much, but at the end of it all, we all knew we loved each other and that is the most precious gift of all. Love.

As I always say Stephen, The moon will rise, the Sun will set, but I won’t forget.

Oh Gillian I have tears in my eyes reading that lovely letter to your son Stephen.
I am a great believer that one day we will be with our loved ones
Sue...x

Sue, you know how I feel and I know how you feel, bloody toughxx

Gillian ((((((hugs))))))

all my love and respect to you gillian, always keep the good times in your mind i think your amazing always have done xxxxx

Gillian, what can I say? I know how it feels to feel responsible for passing an illness on to your child but I cannot begin to comprehend how you must feel that your child has died. I can only say how tremendously brave you are to share your thoughts in this way. By the time I'd finished reading your message I was in tears and I value my children so much more than I did before.
Thank you for your courage. Accept all of the prayers and love that come to you.

Julia

I took Stephen his yellow roses today, each time I leave I leave a little bit of me there. I am so much better at putting my feelings into words, I have to put a bright smile on when at home for my other kids, so its good to share my true feelings with my friends on here, thank you for listeningxx

Why had God made life so tough, I miss my boy, I look at his photo and think if only......

Gillian, what wonderful touching words you have written. The pain never goes away, does it, just dulls a little some of the time. I try to think that things must happen for a reason and maybe if you weigh up what Stephen's passing has done to help you help others, especially your family members, then that can make a little sense of things. I understand how you feel as I often wonder how things would have been had my Zoe lived, I probably would have had grandchildren now, and might have made a go of things with her father, but then I wouldn't have met my lovely son's father and had my lad who is the light of my life.
Your comfort must come from knowing Stephen is with his son and that's his rightful place to be, and one day you will be together again and able to spend the time with both of them.

Take care
Lizxx