General Chat

It really doesn't sound as if this man will be open to any approach as he has a drink problem. Personally i think you wont get back to the way it was before so will have to accept he has a problem that only he can move on. In the meanwhile you have to protect your immediate family so if it means getting the authorities involved thats what you have to do .Leaving it to sort itself out really wont work and will only cause more aggro for your family.
There really has to come a time when a line has to be drawn!!

How are things going ?

Marion

Mediation is certainly another option.

It doesn't always mean that both sides have to sit down at a table - but it works better if they are prepared to. The mediator can relay information on your behalf to your neighbour. Restorative Justice is very successful. Showing how their behaviour has been affecting others - and offering a path to make up.

Libby, don't know where you live but I wonder if you have a local branch of Unite that may be able to help? This is a voluntary mediation service that assists in neighbour disputes.
However, at the end of the day, sadly, you may just have to accept that there's nothing you can do until your neighbour agrees that there is a problem that needs resolution.

Sounds like harrassment to me. You need to be prepared to tackle to matter as it sounds like it has been getting out of hand.

The Police could issue a Harrassment Warning to him if his behaviour continues if you can show it has happened two or more times. That normally resolves the problem. Have you got two or more screen shots that he has sent you?

Contact Environmental Health when you have established a pattern of his behaviour. An Officer could place a noise abbatement order on the Land Owner (assuming its him) or place the duty of care on his Land Lord to prevent Anti social behaviour (Section 21 Housing Act) - if they wittness Statutory Noise Nusiance. A "Dat Recorder" can be used if it is happening during unsociable hours and the Environmental Protection Officer works up to 01:00.

Liz

Thanks.

It's based on tried and tested methods. I have never met a case of antisocial behaviour without an underlying "personal well being" cause unless it is drug related.

It's such a shame when relationships break down - without a clear reason.

Is it possible for you to knock on his door and ask if you can have a talk to him? - to find out what is bugging him. You say he has been a long term friend, but has turned nasty - for some reason.
He may be upset about something you haven't thought ot. It does seem that it is alcohol-fuelled, but that's when the real reason surfaces - so I would be making sure you have the right reason for his nastiness before you take the matter any further.
I do agree that you would be better off not sharing the internet - but that may not have anything to do with his attitude.

Hi Elizabeth

The original disagreement was about an abusive, drunken message he sent to me on Yahoo Messenger, blaming me for a disagreement he had had with my x husband, who I haven't seen since the beginning of Jan. Wont go into details but it upset me and I took him to task (can't believe I have written that last bit. lol). His excuse was that he was drunk and couldn't remember even sending it.

Since then I have been receiving messages and listening to his screams at all hours, on an almost daily basis. I know he hasa big drink problem. that's putting it politely and I have tried to sort him out over a number of years. I can only do and say so much, the rest, ultimately, has to come from him.

The split from my OH on top of being made redundant in the middle of December is bad enough without all of this. We are both very lucky because our internet access is ultimatley paid for by my son. My son lives and works 150 miles away from us and has asked him politely to desist from his actions (far more than I would have done) because of a broadband fault.

I have taken screen shots of everythging he has\ sent me and am going to speak to his neighbours on the other side, who are bakers so have to get up at some ungodly hour, to see if they will back me upif necessary.

Elizabeth - what an excellent response. Do hope it is noted

The Police would be able to set up an ABA (Acceptable Behaviour Agreement) - he would have to sign a voluntary agreement to start to change his behaviour. If he is a heavy drinker - part of this could be to attend AAA. (If you are in the UK) - looking at ways to reduce his alcohol problem.

He may not realise how heavy his drinking is and how his behaviour has changed. Most alcoholics want help when they can see they have a problem .... but its a bumpy road.

Noise nusiance is an Environmental Health matter but if he is using verbal abuse causing a nusiance or distress to others in the street or nearby properties - it is an offence the police can tackle.

Keep a diary to establish days / times and duration of what is going on in case you want to pursue matters with the Police or Council. (You can obtain an Antisocial Behaviour Diary from Borough Council Community Safety Unit.)

The Council have a Duty of Care towards you under Section 17 of the Crime & Disorder Act to tackle antisocial behaviour but an ASBO is a failure (My personal view). The Police & Local Authority need to step in earlier to address the underlying causes. Once these have been addressed I would expect the problem to go away (on less this is not the sole cause of neighbourhood dispute).

DO NOT confront your neighbour when he is drunk - it will simply make the situation worse. Try to remain friendly but you don't need to be his friend.

A note through the door will make him feel that it is harder to come forward to apologise - if you get to this stage.

If you are living in fear raise it with the Police. If you fear for your immediate safety call 999.

Never share an internet connection - even the most respected people in the community can be up to no good!

Trust me - this is my line of work!

Alcohol can have this effect.

How old is your neighbour - it might be worth raising a concern with the local social services if his behaviour has changed suddenly. He may have a mental heath problem, be taking tablets that don't agree with him or have another medical condition that has lead to a change in his behaviour.

What was the disagreement about? Was it noise or abusive behaviour or was there another factor that lead to a ource of aggrivation?

I think you have had some good advice here Libby.

Hi Libby, I think you have 2 battles going here, and it depends really on what the 1st disagreement was about.
Do you want to try and mend the friendship although it will never be the same
or are you happy to call it a day after he has shown himself to be so abusive.
I understand what you are saying about the net sharing isn't the problem and chances are he hadn't lost a connection but realised he was taking from you.

I would write a polite letter about that saying I was sorry that he had taken that attitude but as he wishes you are withdrawing access to your connection.
As for the abuse request he refrains nicely, if you are trying to mend fences ....if not tape him and turn it over to the police each and every time he does it. Also I would talk to other neighbours and ask them also to complain.
No way should you have to put up with that. If you do wish to mend fences I would recommend caution as somebody who has been that abusive has to be thought about.

I hope you sort it out ...do let us know




ps if all else fails go round with a sledge hammer ( not recommended mind lol )

Hi Libby,
I would stop his Internet connection immediately, and never give him access again.
Regarding his drunken verbal abuse, I know it may be difficult for you if you are without an OH, but I would go out and front him when he does it next time.

People like him are normally verbal bullies, and a confrontation normally sorts it out....be aggressive, not wimpy..
Don't show you are scared of him otherwise he has the upper hand.
Do not put up with all his crap. (sorry for using that word ) but i get so angry when I hear about bullies.

Personally I will not or do not take any threats or harassment from anyone and neither should you.

Take care,
George

I think you have been given some good advice here. It sounds like he has a drink problem if its most nights, in which case he is not going to be rational or reasonable......as Shirley says he's crossed the line and it sounds to me as if he's out of control. You are doing right to not respond to him. Keep notes and get advice from the police as suggested.

Hi Libby
been reading this and my thoughts are he has crossed the line now with his abuse so I personally would write him off now as he is upsetting your family.
He told you to stick your internet connection so I would disconnect his access as he obviously doesn't want it any more.
Any more abuse I would report him too .maybe a quiet word from the police will calm him down
Shirley

Might be a good Idea to get your Local Bobby to have a word in his ear to tell him that his drunken Rants are not acceptable and he can and will be arrested for being Drunk and Disorderly if this persists..**M**.

Just to reassure everyone - no porn,financial or gambling sites can be accessed via any pc on our wireless connection. My son saw to this three years ago and it is password protected, password known only to him at our request. Will double check with him later this evening but I doubt anyone can piggy back off us because my son is very security concious (sp?).

As I say,it is more the screaming abuse that bothers me, none of which I can quote on here, all aimed at me personally. Don't get me wrong, I am no prude or a stranger to swear words but he can be heard at the other end of the street.

Libby
I don't mean to criticise but you should NEVER let anyone share your connections. The IP address for same id registered to you what if for instance he visits porn sites or worse (re children) then it is traced back to you. Remember if he is using your internet connection then he doesn't have an IP address to trace.

Anyone who is using wireless should have the lock on. If not anyone else (I think in a half mile radius or something) can gain access.

Please be careful no matter how long you have known someone we don't really know them.

Pat

Thanks for your replies everyone. I am going to speak to my son who works for our internet provider, I don't know the password for our wireless connection but he does. Strange that you mentioned our usage DET because my son had noticed a big increase last week so I am def. going to get him to sort it out.

To be honest it is the drunken rants that are upsetting (early morning) because my 15 year old daughter hears him and she is becoming very upset and scared. If we wanted our hair permed we wouldn't have to pay for it!!. He has been a family friend for over 12 years and she has always thought of him as like an uncle. I do not want to escalate things further so am unsure what to do about this