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Tower: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound.' United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to
the airport.'
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7' Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of
dead animal on the far end of the runway.' Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers.'
Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!' Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.' TWA 2341: 'We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?' Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm bored!' Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!' Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was bored, not
stupid!'
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LOL
I LIVE DOWN THE ROAD FROM HEATHROW AIRPORT
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LOL but
many a true word is spoken in jest.
Pat
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What PatKendrick said - lol
There is/was an after dinner speaker called David Gunson who was a Civil Aviation passenger jet pilot and trainer. He has produced a recording now on CD called
'What goes up, might come down'.
Ok, its a spoof, but very funny - you'll never want to fly again!
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Qantas Maintenance Reports
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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LOL never having had the finances or opportunity to fly in Concorde.......
the last post amuses me........why was it necessary to have a (outside facing?))window in the toilet, on Concorde?
I mean you are not likely to need to open it, are you? would be a bit disastrous at 1500 Mph.....at around 50,000 feet......Hmmm!! was it a round window? or a square window. square windows were fatal on the Comet!!
Bob
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right , try thisun!
Sven, a Norwegian pilot during World War I, was being interviewed on TV. He had been asked about the day he shot down 7 German airplanes.
'Well, Oi was jus flyin' aloong when suddenly Oi see this fokker flyin' oop at me,' explained Sven in his native accent. 'Oi looked aroun' and saw there woos another fokker off me right wing and then two fokkers off me left wing. There was a fokker behin' me, and two fokkers comin' doon at me.'
At this point the interviewer interjected, 'Perhaps I should explain to our viewing audience that a Fokker is a kind of German aircraft.'
'Ja,' said Sven. 'That, too. But these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts.'
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PILOT: Control tower, what time is it please?
CONTROLLER: Who are you flying for?
PILOT: Why does that matter?
CONTROLLER: If you're Air Force it's 15 hundred hours, if you're BA it's 3 o'clock, if you're Swiss Air its 15 03 and if you're with Virgin its Thursday.
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