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Hi Supersleuth,
think your wasting your time on here, don't think jokes go down very well.
Mind you I love a good joke.
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Anyone got anythimg to add?
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Court Room Bloopers
Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips' by Richard Lederer
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are
uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language
spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom
reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by American 's keepers of the word:
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness
chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake,
tell them your first name!
*****************************************************************
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
****************************************************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*****************************************************************
Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*****************************************************************
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*****************************************************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
*****************************************************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*****************************************************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by
Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
*****************************************************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*****************************************************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*****************************************************************
Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
*****************************************************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his
words.
*****************************************************************
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
*****************************************************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*****************************************************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information from your minds, if you have any.
*****************************************************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*****************************************************************
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
were able, for the time being excluding all
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A TEENAGER IS...
-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone
number.
-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.
-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
This article was added to LaughNet on Monday 20 July, 2009. )
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Signs observed by Eric W. Johnson:
In a kitchen: If the icebox catches on fire, ring the towel.
In a restaurant: Don't tip the waiters --it upsets them.
Another resturant: Eat here --why go somewhere else to be cheated?
Yet another resturant: Come in and eat before we both starve.
At a store: In God we trust; all others pay cash.
Another store: Credit extended to those over 80 if accompanied by
their grandparents.
Yet another store: Your face is good, but it won't go in the cash register.
And a couple of beer joints: (1) We don't sell any beer on Sundays and mighty
darn litle during the week. (2) Our beer contains vitamin P.
Above the door of a physical therapy room in a nursing home in Olathe,
Kansas: "Faith, Hope, and Therapy."
In a science lab: Tragedy is the murder of a beautiful theory by a brutal
gang of facts.
In a science lab: The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
On a marriage counselor's door: Back in an hour. Don't fight.
On a ski slope: Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss
of skiing privileges.
At the entrance to a school administration building: Education will
broaden a narrow mind, but there is no known cure for a big head.
In a cemetery: No trespassing Violators will be haunted.
Inscribed on a prison: Cease to do evil. Learn to do well. [George Bernard Shaw, who reported this sign, remarked that it was on the outside where the prisoners couldn't read it.].
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Aging Is When...
1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eye, is the sun hitting your bifocals.
3. You feel like the night after, but you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
5. You get winded playing chess.
6. Your children begin to look middle-aged.
7. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning.
8. You join a health club, but don't go.
9. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
10. Your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep.
11. You look forward to a dull evening.
12. "25 Years Ago Today", is your favorite part of the newspaper.
13. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
14. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
15. The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
16. Your back goes out more often than you do.
17. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
18. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
19. You forget, why you are reading this.
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Prison Vs. Work
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK...You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out
and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.
This article was added to LaughNet on Sunday 02 December, 2007.
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Great Truths
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
***
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
***
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
***
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
***
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants
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Do you know any jokes to make us laugh .... I'll start it off. Found this one by Colin, - Geraldton West Australia:
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten school teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, " I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " That's right the boy said, " but how did you know ? " "Oh, just a wild guess, " she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets. " " That's right, but how did you know ? " asked the girl. " Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. " Is it wine ? " she asked. " No the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. " Is it champagne ? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, " I give up, what is it? With great glee, the boy replied ............................................................ " It's a puppy! "
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