General Chat

Every year I send a Christmas card to an old friend of my Mum's, she grew up in the same area with Mum and then they met up again when Mum took me to school and found her old pal taking her son to the same class as me. Mum and Ivy renewed their friendship.
Ivy had had a hard time, her first husband died (I think in the war)leaving her with a daughter, then she remarried and had three sons, the eldest was at school with me, right through from 5yrs old to 16. Tragically Ivy's youngest son was killed in a car accident on the way home from his first holiday with his mates in Cornwall, he was just 18. Ivy was strong and carried on even tho her daughter fell out with her, and her own children, so that the grandchildren moved in with her and her husband. Meanwhile the middle son had married and was doing ok, but the son who was my age, had two broken marriages and no children and things got on top of him in 1998 and he hanged himself. I had a card ready to write to Ivy on the date he died - I wrote to her every year to tell her I was thinking about her and her lad, and she appreciated it, especially when her hubby died too.
She had lots of health problems but stayed in her house, and kept everything lovely, and enjoyed making me welcome when I managed to pop round.
Last Christmas in her card, she wrote that she had to go and have a foot amputated in the New Year, due to problems with her diabetes. I meant to call her and see how she got on, I had sent good wishes in with her C. Card, but it didn't happen.
With the year I have had, I have missed out on catching up with many people by phone as o.h. has been here a lot more than usual and doesn't like me using the phone much.
Last week Ivy died, peacefully in our local hospital the notice in the paper said. She was 90 years old, bless her.

I suppose there is comfort in the thought that she is now reunited with her loved ones who went too soon and with both her husbands (wonder how that works out) but her grandchildren and their own children and her son, will miss her so much.
There was no notice in the paper from her daughter, so sad that they probably didn't become reconciled before it was too late.

Rest in Peace Ivy, a lovely lady who never grumbled or complained.


Lizx

Coincidentally when I moved into my house in the city, it turned out that my next door neighbour worked with Ivy at a handbag factory for a while and they went on outings together where Ivy met her second husband. Small world!

Liz, she sounds like she was a lovely lady who faced lifes problems with stoicism. Im sure she will be very missed by all who knew her.
R I P Ivy.

Cath xx

Liz


she sounds a lovely lady



We've had 2 "losses" in recent years, that we haven't found out about for a couple of years.

One was a childhood friend of OH's father, she emigrated to Canada ca 1959, spinster, met and married an older man within the year, was then disowned by her father because a) she had married without his permission, and b) the man was a foreigner (he was of Dutch origin). Can you believe it??!!

She was living here in Vancouver when we arrived, and OH's parents insisted on going to see her. Somehow, we inherited her ....... she became honourary grandmother to my daughter until she declared in her 80s that she couldn't possibly have a granddaughter because she didn't have a child and to please stop referring to her as Grandma S. I phoned her every Sunday morning for about 10 years ..... by this time she lived in another town, and I don't drive. Then she turned nasty, said some extremely hurtful things ........ and I refused to take the abuse. Of course, looking back, it had to be the start of Alzheimers

We heard she had gone into a care home, got her address, and sent her postcards when we went on holiday, and a Christmas card and letter every year. Daughter also sent Christmas cards from the other side of the country.

In December 2008 I phoned the care home to find out if she was there because we had lost contact with the only 2 other people who had been visiting her.

She had died in November 2006 ............ no-one had returned any of the mail to us, even though the Christmas cards at least had return addresses on them

Even sadder ................... we cannot find out where she was buried, whether she was cremated, and her will has not been probated so far as I know.

A woman she had met in about 1990 had worked her way in E's confidence, ended up handling her bank accounts etc, and was made executor of her will. I had a lot of contact by phone with this woman Alice ..... and she seemed genuine although my daughter was always suspicious. The last time I spoke to Alice was about 6 months before E died .... and she was then fighting a return of cancer.

We talked to E's lawyer after finding out that she was dead ............. I wanted to know what had happened to her. The lawyer said the file was still open because the executor had never been in contact with him, and he had been unable to contact her. He didn't know where E was buried, or if she was buried.



Second lady was in England. She was the widow of OH's godfather, who died around 1980. They had no children. She told us that she loved to get our news at Christmas, but would not be replying to us. I got a bit worried in 2007 as to whether she might still be alive ....... but Jean on Records looked up the electoral rolls and she was still listed, both at her home and in a care home! So we sent Christmas cards in 2007, 2008 and 2009.

Last week, I again wondered, so Ginny checked her electoral rolls for me ....... no sign of her. After wondering how to find out anything, I googled her husband's name (he was very well-known in the area in which he worked), and on the second page of references for him, found her name ............... an obituary, dated April 2008.


So, we had two cases where care homes could at the very least have written deceased on the envelope, and returned at least one card to us, so we would know!




sylvia

Thanks, Sis, Cath and Sylvia. Ivy was indeed a nice woman to know.

Sylvia, how sad that the care homes didn't bother to let you know about the people who died, would there have been other family members who perhaps were handed the mail and didn't bother to contact you?

It's always sad not to know what happened to old friends. I have mislaid a list of phone numbers and addresses from before I had a mobile and for several years I got a Christmas card from Ann and John, a couple who I was responsible for them meeting and marrying, altho we weren't close, and I had never been to their house. Eventually the cards stopped coming. Now I hadn't been able to send them a card for the last few years of those cards coming at Christmas as I had mislaid the address list, if only she had once thought to put her address on the envelope, we could have at least just kept in touch. I expect she finally thought I wasn't bothered about responding or something had happened.

I feel sad that I hadn't been in contact with Ivy since her op but this year has been so difficult and I would have at least made contact on the 21st with my usual card and message about her son. If she wasn't very well after the op she probably didn't feel much like phoning me or maybe lost my number too.

Lizx

Liz

I don't think there was ........ just our cards, which ALWAYS have a return address on the outside. It's expected that return addresses are put on all envelopes here.


E, the lady here, was the only member of her family on this side ....... and she had fallen out with every one of them, just as she had fallen out with every friend that she ever had on this side!

That was one queer thing about that friend Alice ...... she would phone E every morning, E would abuse her up hill and down dale, calling her all sorts of things, telling her not to phone etc. Alice would hang up ......... but then phone again the next morning. That went on for years.

If I'm beng charitable, I'd say she was sorry for E. If I'm not feeling charitable, then ....................

In spite of phoning her regularly, and being charge of E's bank accounts etc, I don't think Alice actually visited her in person very often.


The other lady was very involved in local activities, but they didn't have any children, and I think she was an only child herself ............... I don't think any of her friends would have known about OH unless M had told them. She married OH's godfather when OH was 10 or so, so she sort of acquired him as it were.



Sorry to hear that you've lost contact with that couple ........... that happens to us as well.




sylvia

Nowt as queer as folk Sylvia !


One of the grandchildren - she had several and great grandchildren too - put a photo of her on the Family page of the paper, it's lovely but I am not sure I can make a copy of it. I would like to have one to keep, silly I know but I always cut out the notices of people I know and stick them in my address book at the back and it could go there too. She gave and received so much love from that generation of her family and I am glad they cared so much for her .

Lizx

Ivy's funeral went as well as these things can, the crematorium was packed and her lovely grandchildren and great grandchildren were there, and some of them remembered me which was nice, as did her remaining son who was pleased I went along. I didn't go back to the pub where they were meeting afterwards, it was a big effort for me to get to the crem at 11.45am and too far to drive across the city and back while still tired.
One of her granddaughters read out a poem that always tickled Ivy, and that raised a smile and a great granddaughter spoke about the lovely fun she and her siblings and cousins had when spending time with Ivy, cooking and playing Scrabble, she reckoned Ivy used to make up words lol

Here's the poem:

The Shape I Am In

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


And arch supports I need for my feet...
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.

My memory's failing, my head's in a spin...
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.


Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.


I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.


The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old....

It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.


Author: Diamond C Aloes

nudge so you can read the verse

That is so lovely.

Linda x

Thanks for sharing it with us Liz, x

Dear Liz, thanks for the poem, I have seen it before but I still had a giggle, I am sorry you feel sad about not getting to seeyour friend this past year ,but you never stopped loving her and I am sure she knew that , and also her family .
Cheer up dear friend we all have to go our own way at times .
Dont feel guilty , you are a caring person and life has been hard for you this year.
Just remember you are loved and know by many on Renes Reunited. I am sending you a big HUG and a grin to help pick you up.
LOVE & HUGSSSSSSSSSSS
Marie

Oh thanks Marie and G. for the love and hugs.

I too had heard the verse before but it was just so typical of Ivy that she would never complain of her health problems, or if she talked about them, she didn't say Why Me? I thought about her ticking her son off for taking his life, his 12 year anniversary was this Sunday gone so the first one they spent together again..

Slowly her family chain is linking up again.


I sent a message via a friend's son on facebook several weeks ago, she was the woman who had the student houses I managed and we became friends more than boss and employee over the 15 yrs I did the work.

Usually she sends a card on my bday and this year there was none, I sent a card later for her bday and no response so I was a bit worried she was unwell and didn't want to tell me or was too poorly to let me know.

Yesterday I got an email from her after her son forwarded my message to him. She apologed for not responding to an email I sent early in the year and for not sending me a bday card etc etc.
Seems she has been very poorly lately and earlier this year had a pacemaker fitted and recently had to have a stent fitted too - luckily she seems to be feeling better now and has asked me round for coffee one morning. I have replied telling her I don't do mornings but will see whether we can sort out a different time. She lives quite close to my son and was so supportive of me and him at times, she even gave him a redundant freezer from one house and other bits and pieces if not needed, when he first got his flat. She is in her late 70s now so I must see her soon, and not do what I have done so often and leave things too late. I have other people to catch up with too who are elderly so have to make a real effort to call them or visit.
That's my old year end resolution lol


Love
Lizxx

Thanks G, I did make a call last evening to my son's aunt in Essex, found out (they forgot to let us know) that his 83 yr old Nanna in Malta was rushed into hospital in October, she is fighting chronic leukaemia altho she doesn't know it and now has a virus round her heart so apparently is a walking timebomb. Her daughter who is 51 never married or left home so is there to help care for her but all the sons are being lazy and doing little, which is a shame. My son last saw her when we visited in 2007 for her 80th birthday year, and she was well then. He had been saying for a few weeks that he might go over and visit, so now instead of using the money he saved up from his part time job (his full time one doesn't pay much) to do more to spruce up his flat, he is looking online for a cheap flight and will visit before Christmas. He can stay with friends of ours, he wouldn't stay with his dad and stepmum as they aren't very nice people, he never hears from his dad and his stepmum is very pushy, but she is the one who stopped his dad staying in touch a few years ago. He is in contact with his half brother, ten years his junior, via facebook but the boys aren't close and we have better friends than that family. However his Nanna and aunt have always had time for him and used to send him money for Christmas and birthdays when he was small which was more than his father did, so it's only natural he wants to try and see his Nanna again. The family in Essex, his dad's brother and English wife and their daughters and families are all very caring but just busy people, hence them rushing out to see Nanna and forgetting to tell us!

I just hope my lad can make it in time to see his Nanna one more time - they won't be able to talk much without his aunt there as Nanna doesn't speak more than a few words of English and son no Maltese, but his Nanna does understand what is said and will just be pleased to see him I think.

Will try and do another call tonight and gradually work through my list

Hugs back for you and anyone who needs them

Lizxx

G, when I was saying one day that I kept seeing the death of yet another family friend in the local paper etc, my son said Well Mum you shouldn't know so many old people !!! Sadly now I am seeing many of my contemporaties names too, only in their 60s so way too soon to go really.

My son's rellies in Essex are lovely people, but it's almost always me has to call, they do occasionally but mostly it's me picking up the phone to call them. Same thing with my cousin in Bucks, who used to call a lot but is now suffering from depression I think, she is 10 years older than I am, so 73 and has free calls on her phone so it's not the money that stops her. I have also to work out what's on tv for several of them, mustn't call when Emmerdale or Eastenders or Corrie is on lol

I will be writing little messages in the C. Cards in the next couple of weeks but will try and call and talk too to the ones in the UK.

Lizx

We got a Christmas card from England today ...... the 3rd one to come in.

This one was from a school friend of mine .............. together with a little note to say that her husband had died in June. He fell and broke his hip and died about 5 days later in hospital.

He was 99.

almost 30 years older than she was


He was an incredible man ... went blind about 10-15 years ago ...... but still played cards, and was as clever as he'd been as a young man.

so will have to add a little note to her card.



sylvia
xx

Sylvia, you must have been very sad to read the news of the death of your friend's hubby, poor old chap to die after a fall, after coping so well without his sight for so long.
May he rest in peace, your friend must miss him dreadfully.

Lizx

she says she's devastated, and I can believe it.

They've been married about 35 years, she was his second wife, they ahd no children of their own, and I don't know what contact there was with the childen from his first marriage.

They do live in a close-knit village, so she will have a lot of support from friends and neighbours there.


He was a really nice man, we met him in 1985



sylvia
xx