General Chat

something to do,
someone to love,
something to hope for."

Which I believe is pretty well right, but I am struggling to find something to say to the question "What have I got to live for?" to an elderly lady who has no family and has lost her husband.

She can find the 'something to do' ( albeit limited by age and disability), even 'someone to love' and look after in her pet...but 'something to hope for' is what she really needs (and to be honest it is a question I ask myself, so a quick, optimistic answer does not trip off my tongue!).

I know all the platitudes, "time heals" and the like ( which it does) but any advice on an 'honest' answer ? Especially if you are older yourself and have had to build a life alone.

Thanks,

How elderly is elderly Rose? I does depend on the person I'm sure and it is difficult for others to come up with her 'something to live for' as really it need to come from within. What sort of community does she live in? Could she become an 'adoptive' aunt or grandmother to any young children nearby who live away from family?

I am not in that situation myself but have a friend who has just lost her husband of 51 years and she is struggling. She does have a large family so you might say that is her something to live for but I am not sure it always is.

Does she have a garden? To see another spring, another summer might be my aim (If I lost my OH although I have family they are not near so would be in a similar situation). But I have hobbies which absorb me so maybe I would be OK. (Thinking out loud here).

I suspect that nothing you come up with will answer her problem and that it is something she has to 'work through' if she ever does. A salutary lesson for those of us older and married to not become too dependant on our OHs I guess.

I hope you find something for her <3 <3

she has her self to live for......I understand the situation someone can be in when they lose a partner but then also know how they can slip into a misrable place that they will not try to remedy and in that can heap,family &friends down the same path with them.Often too much sympathy doesnt help the person to get to grips and face they must see that the world goes on,and glossing over the reality is holding them back from moving foward.

Just dont be so avaliable to have their unhappiness lumped on you at every given whim.......

I think that's it really Ann, she has said herself that she never had her own hobbies or interests and so has nothing to fall back on, her husband did but most of their time was spent together, either at home or they would drive out, maybe go to garden centres or a general 'potter'.

She's not 'old' at 78 but not in the best of health. I am going to go up soon and help with a general spring clean so that she can get a house valuation and possibly move, she doesn't want to spend another winter there, it's not isolated as such, but is on a very busy main road and no one speaks. Without a car it is well nigh impossible for her to get anywhere.

As Dan said when he was talking to her on the phone, it is a case of 2 steps forward and then 3 back for her, she has sadly also lost her dog last week... I knew it was coming but still a 'shock' to her.

lol Kay I have resisted the 'very' straight talking and only intimated what my mum would have said ( they were friends for 40 odd years) kindly but 'bracingly' lol.

It's a hard one because I haven't had a long loving relationship like that, 44 years married , neither had my mum come to that lol...so I'm used to coping on my own, even just the practicalities that she is finding so hard because OH dealt with them.

Oh she will be feeling extra sad then. And not really young enough to buy a new one. Could she maybe buy an apartment or bungalow in a retirement complex where there will be other people in similar circumstances? There are a couple in this area which are flats but with a communal social area, plus I think things like hairdresser chiropodist etc. Might there be something like that? If there are there is her something to hope for.

That's one of her thoughts Ann, she has looked at a brochure from retirement apts in the local area, or perhaps a bungalow.

She is worried about the actual process of selling and buying, going to see properties, but I've said that the agents will be happy to drive her if they think they are going to get their share of both her sale and purchase, and a good agent makes the whole thing easy, especially now when they are scrabbling for income. I'll try and get the ball rolling for her anyway.

Rose,,

you may have to step back at some point as if shes allowed she will swamp you and its better to remain on firm friendly ground than you feel you are swiming against the tide with her,say something that will send her scurrying and never speak again......dont let Dan become her sponge for soaking up her unhappiness.......when you speak try and steer the conversation away from her own situation...as much as I feel for anyone in her boat there has to be a gap.

I do Kay, steer the conversation on to other things that is, as my good friend did with me when my mum died lol, she didn't flinch from including mum in conversation (as many did) but rambled on to as many different subjects as possible especially things that she knew would make me laugh lol.

Dan only talks to her for a little while, if he happens to be around and he's very good I must say, kind but with the right amount of 'self-centredness' that young lads have lol, so he talks to her about himself ;-) and his mobile phone business etc while i have a bracing cup of coffee :-)

I'll go up next week and sort out the house a bit with her/for her and give her a gentle but firm pep talk.

Rose, just say to her....'ME! do it for me, I'm here!'

lol Teresa who'd want to stay alive for me?! :-)

*slaps Rose*, stop being negative, she might, it may be all she needs to know someone is there for her.