General Chat

consideration of how what you say (and how you say it ) may affect someone and leave them feeling distressed.


There have been a number of threads over the weekend where a little ( no, a lot!) more sensitivity in the wording used, the approach to the topic, would have caused much less upset...and the upset, distress, was real not feigned, and hurt some people to the core because it touched memories that they had sought to forget. ( or at least to make less brutally clear in the mind).

We all know people on here, and in life, who 'don't think' before engaging mouth, that what they find easy to speak of or deal with is not easy for others. Why cause upset for want of a few minutes 'thinking time'?

Most of us if pushed can imagine what it might be like to put our selves in someone else's position, and can see if we say something which upsets...that what is needed as a response is "Sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone,I may not personally find this topic upsetting but I can see that you DO,so I will change the way I word it ".

I know I've sometimes been in conversation with a friend and recognised that a subject was too close for comfort and steered the conversation away to something comfortable, perhaps one has to be aware of that even more when in conversation with strangers?


I think it might be a wider issue, where what the the press and politicians say and how they say it, is contributing to a society which sees the weak, old or ill, as a nuisance at best and parasites at worst, where the unemployed are 'scroungers', where the sad and lonely are 'pathetic losers'.

"telling it like it is, calling a spade a spade, being 'direct'" is great, but aren't the people we admire most the ones who do just that, but do it with a degree of sensitivity, state their case, but do it with 'care' for others?

Have we forgotten how to 'care' for each other on a day to day basis?


;-) here endeth the ramble for today...and possibly for this year lol

We all have our personal triggers. I watch some threads where all sorts of rude and abusive comments are thrown about and nobody seems to mind.

I think Genes must weed out spiteful comments about a poster and a posters' comments that the spitee has no idea about. Sometimes I think bile is applied to a poster just for the gratification of the bilee and his or her friends. It can ruin threads.

And people don't post because they are afraid of disagreeing with either the poster or the bilee cum spitee :-( :-(

I agree with You Rose. If you are going to post a thread about a topic, the subject of which WILL ( Not Might, WILL) have caused some people real heartache and sadness, then do so with the utmost sensitivity, be certain of your facts and keep a very close eye on the thread.

It might well be a topic close to your heart, Fine, you have every right to post about it, but please, PLEASE do so without causing others hurt.

It called COMPASSION

Absolutely agree our Rose. I do call a spade a spade as you know but I hope I DO know when to temper my posts that might just be a touch too insensitive.

In general everything is fair game but not when death or disability is concerened. What I may say in private to a friend is always phrased appropriately to how I know said friend feels about a subject. On a discussion board we know very few readers' responses to a remark we may make on ANY subject.

I am not a great fan of professional handwringers. We can all read the news, watch or hear it I don't need to have the latest ghoulish details of any ongoing media item thrown at me.

For a Saggi you do very well Sue LOLOL ;-) they do say that tact is not our strongpoint...but goodness don't we try hard ! :-D

Seriously though, as you say about speaking to a friend and knowing how to phrase things, with my 'best friend' we both know the subjects that have to be approached with care lol, over 30 odd years we both now recognise the point when one of us has to change the subject and we do it seamlessly lol.

Hello Superiorcrutch, :-D Do hope you,re getting better. I agree with you and Rose, Re "Professional Hand Wringers" They used to call them "Professional Mourners" at one time, seems they are coming back into Fashion again. ;-)

Hello Merlin :-D I am getting better thank you hence my being grumpy on the boards..lolololol I just love the 'superiorcrutch' :-D :-D

Rose, you are right, subtlety is not high on our list of social niceties ;-)

Thought you might like it now you,re on the mend, :-D You should keep it. Take care. ;-) ;-)

RRose

Beautifully put!

Over the last few days I have come to the conclusion that
certain people enjoy upsetting others, not insensitive IMO
just downright horrible.

Emma

Feel free to correct me.

Who would Dare?? :-D :-D Just the thought of being Clobbered with a highly dangerous "Flying Haggis" is enough to deter. :-D :-D :-D ;-)

I don't know what threads you mean Rose, probably because I don't read them all, and in some cases I don't read certain posters.

But sometimes when I read a post, I wonder if the poster would say the same thing in a roomful of strangers, there are certain things I'd say to a friend, like an opinion about something that was say controversial, but wouldn't air my views on a website. It's uncomfortable reading when "Mary from Mars" "thinks" that "Fred from Frobisher" who is on a charge for robbery, looked dodgy, so she knows he must of done it, no you don't Mary.

Whilst I totally agree with all that Rose says, I think we should also remember that there are many folk who simply do not understand what we take for granted as far as compassion and sensitivity is concerned.


This is a subject close to my heart, as may be guessed by my avatar and occasional comments on GR.


For clarity as to what I mean, I have taken the following from the National Autistic Society website.


People with autism often have difficulty recognising or understanding other people's emotions and feelings, and expressing their own, which can make it more difficult for them to fit in socially.

They may:

not understand the unwritten social rules which most of us pick up without thinking: they may stand too close to another person for example, or start an inappropriate subject of conversation

appear to be insensitive because they have not recognised how someone else is feeling

prefer to spend time alone rather than seeking out the company of other people

not seek comfort from other people

appear to behave 'strangely' or inappropriately, as it is not always easy for them to express feelings, emotions or needs.


My own daughter has difficulties in these areas but, if one can't help the person concerned, then sometimes it is best to accept that that is how some people are,...........and move on.



Cx :-)

Be afraid Merlin, be very afraid :-D

I go green, you wouldn't like me when I go green ;-)

Joking apart when someone is down, unwell and worried
why be horrible to them and make it worse.

I agree, also with what Cynthia says,but in the cases/reasons she states there are reasons for it ,in others its just to get a "Kick" out of upsetting others and generally causing mayhem for fun. :-( By the way, As you say you go green, Does that mean you are related to those "Litte Green Men" we so often hear about.? From Mars. :-D :-D :-D

Very good point, Rose.

We none of us know the circumstances of others but, I would hope, most of us realise that there are topics that can cause deep distress to others. This because we may have personal experience of the subject or we are close to someone who does.

The upset is compounded when these deep feelings of distress are dismissed by insensitive posters. It's nothing to do with being PC, although some may like to pretend it is in order to excuse their gross ignorance and lack of compassion.

This behaviour goes way beyond the spats they break out on the boards from time to time and points to some kind of personality disorder or a deliberate attempt to cause distress.

It also appears, on a not unrealted topic, that some people are only too keen to dish it out but turn into sensitive flowers when they get it back.

Gwynne

Am now wondering what i missed :-S

That's a very good point Cynthia, I only have a little personal experience of autism, and unless you have personal experience it may be hard to recognise, especially when one is confined to reading rather than knowing the person.

It's certainly worth bearing in mind :-)

We used to have a young member who was autistic, Rose, back in the day. It was pretty obvious to those of us with experience of autism and a parent later added an explanation.

Lynda I have sent you a PM, just to put this in context :-)