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End of the line

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

RolloTheRed

RolloTheRed Report 9 Nov 2017 16:55

"Old people invest their last living space with their soul, their stuff and their creations. It is of no use the small insistent waves wash away a once dear place called home now no more than a place marked by its ordinaryness and emptiness.

We who remain are left with the the disconnected and unknown which used to represent a person. "




Nyx

Nyx Report 9 Nov 2017 17:18

:-( Hard isn't it.

It is all still there, but it takes a while to realise that the 'things' are not necessary to preserve the memories.

Talking to friend yesterday who is finally sorting through her late husband's clothes, (7 years on) and finding it very upsetting, it is impossible for her to open the shed and consider the gardening and woodwork tools within, without falling apart physically.

The immediate danger is that you cannot remember how the person was before their illness, I could not 'see' my mother in any other way than in her last days in hospital for a long long time. Now I can not see her in any other way than how she was before that :-)

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it Report 9 Nov 2017 17:37

Well I think I am ticking over two years on

Have recycled his clothes to a local charity shop and trying to get some routine back to me

Soo haven't been out since Monday as the cat went out early evening Saturday and didn't return til 12 15 am Sunday despite constant calling him

Think he was traumatised by all the fireworks
So Monday noticed he was limping and had a emergency visit to the vet
He has hurt his leg. Probably caught it and has a hairline laceration
Two jabs and £85 later he is ok

So today I thought I have to go out. I have a card to post so will do that and go to the shopping mall for a coffee and get some rinse aid I forgot when I did the shop on Monday

I did my shop then got a baguette and a coffee and sat down to eat
Looked around and saw folks sitting together and chatting and felt very alone
Thought Michael and I would do this together and then had watery eyes and felt very lonely

Have felt very lost all day

Grandson has just rung as he saw my post on Facebook saying the same thing and he was very supportive saying we miss him too

It's rears its head every so often when you least expect and bites you in the bum!!!

Nyx

Nyx Report 9 Nov 2017 18:15

Shirley, I think that is one of the situations when you do feel very alone. My friend mentions often that she feels jealous when she sees neighbours going out as a couple,as it reminds her of how she and OH used to potter out to a garden centre for coffee and so on.

I noticed recently ( in M & S cafe ) the number of ladies (and a few men) who look a bit lost when having a coffee or a snack out. I do sometimes stop for tea and a scone, if I have to go into the centre, but it's not the same as going with someone else. Actress Sheila Hancock wrote about dining alone in her book, "Just me" I think it's called, a good and encouraging read if you happen across it.

I'm glad the cat is ok, ours were also very spooked by the loud fireworks this week.

LaGooner

LaGooner Report 9 Nov 2017 18:18

I often stop and chat to people who look upset and lonely. If we all did this the world would be a much better place :-)

Dermot

Dermot Report 9 Nov 2017 18:36

You can easily judge your true friends by the way they help you when you are in a spot of bother.

LaGooner

LaGooner Report 9 Nov 2017 18:37

To right Dermot, I have had a few fair weather friends in the past. I also though have some really true friends :-)

RockyMountainShy

RockyMountainShy Report 9 Nov 2017 19:10

When my Mum died, Dad was very busy within a month she was 'gone' so to speak. Everything was transferred from her name to my name, her clothes were donated. and he was wondering when he would not feel so sad :-( :-0

2 years, 9 months, 4 days, 4 hours and a odd number of minutes he is still wondering when he will feel better and I am still 'fighting' him to keep some of her clothes, so I can wear them.

Do you know how hard it is to live with someone who is constantly sad? :-|

Nyx

Nyx Report 9 Nov 2017 19:31

RockyMountainShy 3 years is not long to feel constantly sad if they were together a long time, it is a different relationship isn't it, husband/wife to daughter/mother so the feelings are inevitably somewhat different, as the memories are. That applies with siblings too...my brother knew my mum longer than I did, and through different times, he dealt with her death differently perhaps.

Being busy straight after, getting things 'sorted' is one coping mechanism, holding on to things is another.

Keep something by all means, item/s of clothing to remember her by perhaps, but, with respect, I think (though very practical) your wearing your mums clothes would be very difficult for your father to cope with.

RockyMountainShy

RockyMountainShy Report 9 Nov 2017 22:17

Nyx - That's is why I want to keep her clothes for after he joins her (when and where ever that may be). They are all in dust-safe bags and hanging in a room that used to be their bedroom, (he moved into the front room.) Maybe I won't be able to wear her clothes either but yes I will wait until later to find out. I have kept her handbag. Dad thinks he gave it away. I have no intention of using it but it's in my closet and it's nice to know its there. :-D

Mary J

Mary J Report 10 Nov 2017 09:10

I have a cardigan that belonged to my Dad, it was his best cardigan from C&A. When he had a stroke and was unable to go out so much he used to wear it just in the house. I helped my Mom to sort his belongings when he passed in 2002 and I kept the cardigan as it held such precious memories of him wearing it. Whenever I feel sad I wear it as it feels liked being hugged by him. I also have several of my late Moms clothes that I wear day to day, I was with her when she bought a lot of them and I know she would be pleased I kept them to use myself. Sadness comes quite often now as I have a baby Grandson who they would have adored.
Hugs to all who feel sad.

Dermot

Dermot Report 10 Nov 2017 09:25

Mary J - a lovely uplifting posting. Well said.

LaGooner

LaGooner Report 10 Nov 2017 09:42

That is so lovely Mary J <3. I have very few things of my Dad's ,he died when I was 17 and I still miss him a lot. I have his pipe and I can still smell his tobacco when I open the box it is kept in. It is a comfort to me when I feel down and I also have a beautiful picture of him in a frame which I often talk to. <3

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it

Shirley~I,m getting the hang of it Report 10 Nov 2017 09:49

I have Michael's dressing gown as well as his glasses ,wallet and hearing aids and watch

They were so much part of him I can't part with them

+++DetEcTive+++

+++DetEcTive+++ Report 10 Nov 2017 11:52

Our neighbour is a bit like MaryJ. She’s kept her husband’s dressing gown hanging on the back of the bedroom door & occasionally wears his fleece if she’s cold. Like Mary, she feels as if she’s being hugged by him.

Clearing a home is difficult. It’s so sad realising that a loved ones life has been reduced to a few boxes. There were some items that initially I couldn’t bear to part with & brought home. Over the last few years the raw emotion had lessened & a number of them have been passed on.

Thinking of all those who are still coming to terms with their loss. <3

Barbra

Barbra Report 10 Nov 2017 12:43

My late Dad had an Arran Sweater I still have it remember him wearing it always looked smart he died 2005 as Mary J says its something I wont part with <3 <3

JoyLouise

JoyLouise Report 10 Nov 2017 12:55

I have a few reminders of my parents but I am lucky enough to have a tape of Mum playing the piano and Dad singing. The original recording was on one of those old round tapes in my uncle's and aunt's effects as it was done one Christmas when we all got together at their house when we were children.

When my cousin discovered it after their deaths he transferred it on to a cassette and gave me a copy. It was a lovely surprise and I shall always be grateful to him. It's great to have.

I also have a couple of cassettes of family members talking, some now deceased. They were sent to us when we lived overseas and, again, they're fantastic to have.

Mary J

Mary J Report 10 Nov 2017 15:13

I have a lot of things that Mom knitted and I had all her knitting patterns, needles etc. There were a few items that she had started knitting and never finished and some wool that had been knit and unraveled. I have used some of it to knit things for my grandson which his Mom is thrilled about as the wool has passed through my Moms hands. I haven't had to clear the house of ornaments etc as my brother still lives there but I know I will find it very difficult to deal with things that meant such a lot to both parents as I don't have room to keep them all.