General Chat

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once, by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________


Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

That's OK then ;-)

"Read ' it ' "GP ?

PF made 4 postings today between 15.51 and 16.10, with many jokes ,
did you see those too ?

:-D :-D :-D :-D :-D

Good to have you back PF :-D :-D

Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old...

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels









SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
and may God cleanse your dirty mind..

:
The Outhouse

>DO YOU THINK THE CHILDREN OF TODAY HAVE IT
TOO EASY?

>
> Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
> "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
>
> Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
>
> Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
>

> So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
> "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
>
>
> "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
>

> Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
>
> "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
>
>
> So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
>
> "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
>

> Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
>
>
> Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
> "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
>
>
>
> To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

Old ones but worth repeating.


7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children


??A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.




??A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'



??A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'




??One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

??

I love this one!

?? The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


??A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted, ?? 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'


I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

?? The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'


?? ~~It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

British Hospitals - True Stories

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells . . . 'My wife's going to
have her baby in the taxi'.

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the
lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the
wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow


2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..

Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath


3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that
he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . .. I
asked.

'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St.. Clair , Norfolk General


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How
long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered ..'Why, not for about
twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . ... 'So how was your breakfast this
morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get
used to the taste.' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.


7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an
immediate operation..

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

You haven't run out of jokes have you PF ?

I so enjoyed your postings.

Love to see you back on here. :-D

My Dog!

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.
I think my dog is an IMMIGRANT

Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute.. "Do you know who the father is?"


"For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!

Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

The Baptist Cowboy
>
>
>
> A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
>
>
> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>
> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
>
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>
> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>
> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>
> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
>
> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
>
> "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

> Subject: Wife's Affair
>
>
>
> A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
> midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
> witness.
>
> The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch
> her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.
>
> Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
> The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there
> is his wife in bed with another man!
>
> The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts,
> 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money’
>
> HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
> HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
> HE paid for your season Bulls tickets.
> HE paid for our house at the lake.
> HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
> HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
>
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He
> looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
> The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.

Sign That winter is going to be cold this Year?





It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'In fact, it's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting thousands of tons of firewood!'

Sheds of Grey

> The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and
> baffled blokes.
> Now an alternative for men, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a
> treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey
> recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the
> garden. Here are some extracts...
>
> Fifty Sheds Of Grey
>
> We tried various positions - round the back, on the side,
> up against a wall...
> but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the
> garden was the only place for a good shed.
>
>
> She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
> "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do
> whatever you want with me."
> So I took her to McDonalds.
>
>
> She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently
> at first, then harder until finally it came.
> I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
>
>
> Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds
> of ropes, chains and shackles.
> She still manages to get into the shed, though.
>
>
> "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
> "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
> "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that
> asbestos in the shed roof."
>
>
> "I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I
> need to be punished."
> So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
>
>
> "Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly.
> "Harder!"
> "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of
> Nicaragua?"
>
>
> I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed
> window.
> Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had
> come up a treat.
>
>
> "Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded,
> brandishing stilettos.
> "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and
> showed me the receipt.
>
>
> "Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over
> my workbench.
> "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no
> dress sense."
>
>
> "Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done,
> you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
> She nodded.
> "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
>
>
> "Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real
> man can!"
> "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
>
>
> "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,"
> she said, gently
> massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
>

London Cabbies!

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio
because as decreed by his religious teaching from the Koran,
he must not listen to music
because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and
opened the door.

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so
Kiss my ass and wait for a camel!!"

NHS

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree.
She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes……
I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

' No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b.
Nobody tells you f*** all in here! ’

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'



Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry…. How soon can I go home?'

Paddy went into Marks & Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra The assistant asked "What bust?"
Paddy replied "The condom"