General Chat

A small boy was lost at a large shopping centre. He approached a policeman and said, 'I've lost my dad!' The cop asked , 'What's he like?' The little boy replies, 'Beer and women with big tits'

Teee Heee did I just count right ???? Did I get that number afte all ???? L xo

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other woman replies, 'Yes I am, I married the wrong man.'

Q: Why do bagpipe players walk when they play? A: To get away from the sound!

Hey you noisy lotta chatterboxes, Im about 2 pages behind, where Fitz says he's in the mood for deep and meaningful conversation and here you all are telling dirty jokes. Oohhh wait till Lara hears about THAT!!!! pmsl Oh well, back to what I was doing 10 minutes ago! Jood

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Poiceman, Salesman,Chippy,Captain of Industry etc, . . . but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.' The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true. 'No' said Edward, 'He plays football for Collingwood, but I was just too embarrassed to say.'

Get with it, Jood, lol

Here's another lawyer one. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'

Okay, I'm breaking for lunch...... I'll be back!

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. 'The food we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous and . . .none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will eat it.' 'Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said; 'Wedding Cake.'

Fitz, in all the time Ive been with this group - I've never known them to tell jokes one after the other like this! Think they're trying to outdo each other !!! Just coz I don't know any :( .. pmsl Jood

Now, Fitz . . . I will get back to your comments re sweat shops . . . your way behind the times on that one !!! Even you own Government wont allow products into your country without standards being met. We have inspections without notice, staff are interviewed at random, and we have to meet all the requirements to be able to export products into all of the countries that our products go to - sweat shops are there, granted, but they are few and far between, and they are the small backyard operators who dont sell to developed countries. Our factory staff are paid well above the award (yes they have award conditions in this country) and are paid for 13 months every year - they get meals provided, have accomodation (motel style) on site, basic medical services are provided, and they are able to buy from the store on site basic food items at pre inflation prices. Most factories provide similar services, and it is the only way that we can save from having a big turn over of staff and not have to retrain. cheers Laurie

Did someone mention lunch???

Hi Honey...I'mmmmm...Hoooome...:>)) Netball was called off ( as expected ) An elderly man in Australia calls his son in England and says, 'I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.' 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. 'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' his father says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in New York and tell her,' and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.' She calls Australia immediately, and screams at her father, 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up. Their father hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, 'Okay, they're coming for Easter.......now what do we tell them for Christmas?' Tony Oz..:>)))

Afternoon all :) ~~~~~~~~ to everyone. My, my, we are all chirpy this morning. What pills are you all on??? lol As Gwenda said earlier, raining here too, very nice. Just come back from grocery shopping - been putting it off ever since I got back but the fridge was completely bare!! Hz, I'm going to tackle the Metcalfe's seriously next Thursday when John is away. My cousin obviously has some wrong info so I've got to straighten it out before contacting her. Pity she doesn't like computers cause she is a great researcher but does it all from visiting and finding original material! be on and off all afternoon :) Vonny

Sunday Sex A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the bible, the Priest says, ' My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.' The man thinks: ' What does a priest know about sex?' So he goes to a Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the Minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ' My son, sex is definitely play.' The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?' The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.'

You're welcome Fitz :) Jood, where did Lady Lucan get 'flips' from???(5 letters) I'm not complaining, just amazed!!! :0

oh, by the way, they think they're normal :) LOL

I'm off out now kiddies . . . but a parting gift . . . Do look up this one http://d21c(.)com/terri1/flash/smile(.)swf Dont forget to remove the brackets have a good one and cheers luv Laurie

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless Australia!....:>)))))