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adoption/please be gentle on adoptees *PART TWO*

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Apr 2005 21:39

Hiya Jess and everyone, Had a busy couple of days at home. I phoned up a place called 'After Adoption Wales', the lady on the other end gave me a number to call in Southport (the general register office) and said I should ask for a form to fill in to request access to my birth records. Does this mean my adoption file? I have the form now and I've filled it in, I will post it when I ask my Mam (adopted) for the date of my adoption so I can fill in the form properly. The accompanying letter says I will need some counselling if I was adopted before 1975 but I think I was adopted in 1977. I need to talk to my adopted mam and get some details off her, I know she has all the documents, she never throws things away! I have to be honest, I feel really awkward talking to her about this, she is fully supportive of me doing this, but I still feel uncomfortable about it. We very rarely talk about these things, she is my mam and for the most part, it is as if I was never adopted, as it should be I guess. So when we talk about it, the issue brings the reality of the matter into the fore front which can be a bit upsetting, when I left her house on Thursday after talking about my adoption, she said to me on the doorstep: 'Don't forget love, you are still mine and you will always be loved here' I hurried off biting my lip with a lump in my throat. I've been lucky to be adopted by her, she is 78 years old now, more active than me sometimes and awesome! What will my adoption records tell me? I know my b/mother's name, my b/brother and my b/farther's name, I know my b/brother is two years older than me and I am sure I have found him on this site. I want to have as much information as possible before I contact him, but the letter I have says the process of getting my records will take 10-12 weeks! Shiela, Sorry I haven't got around to sending you my info yet, I will do it soon, tomorrow I will get my adoption date and any thing else I can find out, then you will have a better picture to work with. Jess, Hiya! I'm still here! 'Hope everything is good with you and you are staying happy! Kind regards - Ian

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 20:49

Just ''JESS' to my friends Colin!! although 'Bow Bob Dog' has a certain ring to it Glad you decided to come and join us Jess

Sheila

Sheila Report 1 Apr 2005 20:45

Hi Jess, Has Colin already viewed his birth records? and if he met his birth mother is he aware of any other relatives that know about him, maybe they could give him some background information. Does he wish to re-knew contact with his birth mother? if he does tell him to e-mail me her name and last know area she lived in and I will see if I can find her on my disk. By the way, I enjoyed your message earlier about your sister, don't know if its a particular trait in adoptees (a warped sense of humour) you know natures way of us dealing with what we find, but both me and my sister joke about things in a similar way :O) Sheila

Colin

Colin Report 1 Apr 2005 20:44

fantastic chat thingy!have read all the storys and messages, so many different emotions happy,sad, i think people dont understand unless their adopted themselves. im trying to get my adoption file at the moment and hopefully have a story to tell soon thanks to bow dog bob is that right? spelling will improve in time thanks good luck!

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 20:19

Have had a really nice message from Colin - another adoptee. Hope he'll pop up soon and say Hi. he's had contact with and met his B/M but wants to know a bit more about himself. anyone any ideas?They have met and now lost contact. jess

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 19:21

Where has Ian got to ? IAN........................!! Said he was going to start to get his file and would report back.. Ian....IAN......!!! Jess, hoping all is well with Ian

Unknown

Unknown Report 1 Apr 2005 17:14

Hi Jess That's fab, although she must be mental to be camping in April! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 1 Apr 2005 16:51

Just though i would share this with you - I'm not cruel or unkind (just to be borne in mind!) Just to set the scene........ I have a full birth sister also given for adoption. We're best of friends. both have met B/M etc etc, any have been told that when B/M shuffles off this mortal coil we '' will be told'' by who were are not sure (B/M says our 2 half bro's dont know we exist...supposedly )but hey ho!- who's going to tell us, the tooth fairy?...!!! anyway - i digress. Birth sisters name is Ruth and she is away camping (daft sod)at the moment. There follows an exchange of text messages between us:- Yesterday-, me to her, '' trust all is well, give my love to Cromer'' Reply : ''Yes, all is well, tropical heatwave- i'm in my bikini, ha ha'' Today (and bear in mind the date) me to her '' had a letter from BB (1/2 bro name).says B/M has died and left us £100 each saying sorry....'' Reply '' Oh Heck - do we order flowers , go. to funeral..or not...'' Me to her ''says wear no black , come as you are, so you are in your Bikini then...'' Reply '' You daft sod, had me going for a minute'' Me to her '' just proves we're sisters then, both as daft as each other'' Reply ''and that why I love you.'' ............................................................................ Sorry If anyone is feeling down about their situation. What Ruth and I have is so special........ had to share it Jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 31 Mar 2005 23:35

Hi David I think it would mean that they were abandoned, I've never heard the phrase referred to as illegitimacy before. I know of one instance in the parish registers where a baby was left on someone's doorstep so they named her Mary Porch!

David

David Report 31 Mar 2005 23:29

If someone was said to be 'Left on the doorstep', did that mean they were illegitimate? or were they left on the doorstep of someone who was thought to be kind enough to take them in? or both? david

Unknown

Unknown Report 31 Mar 2005 18:15

Hi David Unfortunately there was no such thing as legal adoption until 1927. Prior to that, any arrangement to take in another family's child was a private arrangement with no legality or paperwork involved. Lou

Donna

Donna Report 31 Mar 2005 18:10

hi jules and everyone my meeting with my aunty and cousins went very well we are going to meet up next week again ,my cousin has been texted me alot and we have been talking alot on the phone . still no reply off my sister perhaps sheila was right she probably needs time to adjust to me being her family my other two sisters i think do not want to know lou has your mom got back to you since your last chat on the phone?,I am sure she will soon . Jules are you still meeting your grandad at the weekend ? have you had any more phone calls with your grandad ,I bet you can not wait till you meet your family Jess has your brother got in touch with you ? If not i am sure he will soon lorraine how are you ,I am ever so sorry about your birth mom treating you like that you know where i am if you want to chat just text me lots of love donna x x

David

David Report 31 Mar 2005 14:53

Hi Jess In the 1800's were adoptions as formalised as they are now? There are a number of ladies in our family that children were told that they wer 'left on the doorstep'. Also on the 1901 census, my grandfather and grandmother George 26, and Louisa, 24 Sherriff, had an adopted daughter, Ada M A Elliott. Ada was born 1894 the year before they were married, 1895, when Louiisa was 18. George and Louisa had 14 children, of which 9 grew to adulthood and 1 was run over by a horse and cart when he was about 8-9. My father was one of these 14, and he never mentioned an aadopted daughter. A ccousin says she remembers an aunt Ada who was a hairdresser in the Fulham Palace Road who sometimes worked at Buck Pal, and ocassioanlly took her out, but she (my cousin) ddoesn't know where this Aunt Ada fitted in with the family. Any idea how I might find out what happened to this Ada? I had an aunt ada, but she wasn't the one. regards david

Unknown

Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 13:10

Jess I know what you mean and I know that I can't change anything and get that letter back. I just can't help thinking that I've tied myself up in knots all these years wondering why she gave me up for adoption, did she love me, was I just an inconvenience that was 'problem solved' by the process of adoption, what kind of reaction would I get if I tried to locate her. As you know, that was one of my primary reasons for stalling for so long, that fear of being rejected by her again. If the agency had been a little more careful with their paperwork, all my questions would have been answered 16 YEARS ago and I'd have been spared so much anger, bitterness and heartache. That, I think, is what has made me angry, not the fact that I can't physically see the letter but that its content should have been available to me a long long time ago Lou xx

The Bag

The Bag Report 30 Mar 2005 12:17

I was never under any illusion that my birth mother ever 'wanted' me.She didn't want me, anymore than the daughter she gave for adoption 6 years prior, maybe thats why i got NOTHING from her....only lies later in life. I'd have loved a trinket or something. Even though you can't see it ,Lou, be glad she wrote it, sorry for doubting her. For somereason signing off i've filled up with tears, which isn't like me, guess 'thinking' has just re-inforced how much she hated me Jess x

Unknown

Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 11:47

Hiya all, I'm a bit more calm today after yesterday's revelation, I've done some digging around and found a few things out, my brother was being looked after by my b/grandmother at the time of my adoption and I have a newspaper cutting which seems to be from about Dec 1974; 20 months after my birth which has a picture of my b/mother and a notice from the police asking for info on a missing person (my b/mother). It says she was 20 at the time but that would mean she was born 54/55, and the person I am assuming is my brother has listed her D.O.B as 1950. At first I wondered if I had made a mistake, but the unussual names and other dates he put on this site are too acurate too be a co-incident. I am wondering now if indeed he was adopted himself and doesn't know alot about his mother, I also found out her middle name, which he omitted from his information. I also found out my birth middle name, it is the name of a place nearby, nothing funny like abergavenny! But it is Welsh, my mam (adopted) said she told me this when I was eighteen, I must have been too interested in girls at the time because I forgot all about it! Sheila, Thanks, I'll email you later with what I have, thank you for your offer of help. I have looked through the TTF posts but found nothing (it took ages!) I'm going to try and find out where to get my adoption file later today if I can, I'll let you know if I find anything. Julia, Thanks for support, I hope you find your mother and brother and wish you every blessing in your search, stay with it. You are right about this thread, it is awesome - many thanks to Jess for starting it. Jules, Thanks for message, wow you met your sister! Maybe I'll get to meet my brother, still wondering if he knows anything about me, what a suprise he could have! Jess, I'm gonna try to find out about my file today, I have had an email from Joan Allan who has asked if I would like to phone her for help - Thanks for the thread. Joan, I'll try and phone you soon, thankyou for your offer - 'bit nervous on the phone, 'bit nervous about all of this! Many thanks - Ian

Unknown

Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 10:46

Hi Jess Like I was saying to Liz yesterday, the woman I spoke to said it was quite normal for the birth mother to be encouraged to leave a letter and/or gifts for the child. She was also asked whether she wanted to sign a form giving consent for me to contact her when I was old enough but her mother told her to say no! The gifts she left with the agency I DID get, I have photos of me wearing the clothes and Mum and Dad were always quite open about the fact that my BM had left them for me with the foster mother for them to collect when they went to bring me home. However, with regards to the letter, the excuse was that my adoption was thru a private agency and when that closed and all the files were transferred to the local Social Services, a lot of information was lost in the move. Nothing I can do about it now though! Lou

The Bag

The Bag Report 30 Mar 2005 10:25

morning Lou; have copied and pasted below one of your thoughts ''She also said that she was encouraged to leave a letter for me to be given to me when I was 18. She painstakingly wrote this letter trying to explain why she had given me up for adoption and how much she loved me. That letter was not in my file''. Really? -i would have thought this most unusual for the times in which we were adopted.All the promises birth mothers were made about how they would never be tracable etc.... There is no reason for her to bullshit you although with the other seeming lies in your file it makes you wonder about 'truth's'. I know you don't look at all this thru' rose tinted specs and more than I do, I wonder if there was any way you could find out if it was the particular agency policy to ask for such a letter, and wonder why this document should be 'lost' and not other documentation My 'bottomline' thinking on this bit - Don't be angry - with yourself or anyone - You are taking her word for things that may not be true. Jess xx

Unknown

Unknown Report 30 Mar 2005 10:14

Hi All I'm back on the ground now after the shock of speaking to her last week with no notice whatsoever that she was about to call me! And now that I AM over the initial shock and can play back the conversation in my head, I'm remembering more things that were said that I'd forgotton immediately afterwards. It's struck me that, assuming she is telling me the truth and I've no reason to think she isn't cos she was brutally honest about everything, the majority of the information contained in my adoption file was total crap. There was NO mention of the fact that she had already had a child before me, it said she was 17 when she had me when in fact she was almost 21, it even gave the wrong christian name for her which is why it took me so long to find her. She also said that she was encouraged to leave a letter for me to be given to me when I was 18. She painstakingly wrote this letter trying to explain why she had given me up for adoption and how much she loved me. That letter was not in my file. I rang Social Services yesterday and spoke to the woman I had my counselling session with. I explained that I had spoken to BM and about this letter and she was very casual and just said 'Well things get lost over the years' I'm still really angry cos although I know everything now, I would still like to have seen that letter that must have taken her real effort to write. Not once during our phone call was my 'father' mentioned and much as I'd like to know whether what was said about HIM in the adoption file has any grain of truth to it, I'm not going to mention him unless she ever does. I don't know how painful the memory of 'him' is for her and he's of no interest to me really from a locating him point of view. I have no desire to go seeking him. I haven't heard from her since we spoke last week and although I'm itching to find out whether she has spoken to my half brothers and told them that we've spoken, I'm going to leave it and see whether she contacts me again! Lou

Sheila

Sheila Report 30 Mar 2005 09:44

Hi Jules, Not a bad idea have a few days away to re-charge your batteries and get your head around everything, we will still all be here when you come back, hope things go well for you, and if you need to chat were all here ! Ian Jess is right if your brother is older then there will be soemthing in your adoption file about him (its only when they are younger the cant give you information, at least you should find out if he was adotped) even though my adoption was private there were still notes in my younger sisters file, even though Nugents had not handled the cae (bad news is they take months to acess :O( . Have you your fathers name, e-mail me direct and tell me what you have and I will see if I can find him on my infor diska., also did you see if there was a message on the TTF board that how you can sometimes find adopted siblings names on here the post birth details but on the TTF board they willl show up with their current name. Donna, Hope everythign went well with your Aunty and cousins, maybe now they have met you they will report back to your sisters and this will give them to spur they need to get in touch, hope so,let us know how it all went. Enjoy your break Jules!! Sheila