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narcissistic mothers

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

KempinaPartyhat

KempinaPartyhat Report 20 Feb 2013 15:19

Thank goodness I was looking for this thread a few weeks ago ........So I,m not mad!! it was here

Just had a very nasty encounter with one of "these" types of people BUT guess what we will win!! not you ..........but then you will retract all the rubbish you have spouted lol :-D

Sharron

Sharron Report 20 Feb 2013 12:28

Nudged to celebrate it's restoration with many thanks to Phil.

moonbi

moonbi Report 25 Nov 2012 00:59

Hi there
Just checked in to my threads and found you conversing again on this topic.

Jill, and Sharron, you have got a lot to deal with and I understand. especially when there is stuff to pack and sort out.

Im still de cluttering, but the property is on the market and I have had 3 inquiries so far.
I understand the feeling of needing to do.......but not having the energy to do anything. Some days Im tired of everything. thoughts of "need to" really sap my energy. so im trying to learn to ask and tell myself Why do I need to and why should I?
If the answer is only "Because HE said so." then....... I let my self off the HOOK.

and a hook it is. oh to pull that hook out hurts, but I need to realize it sets me free.


But so lucky to have a few good friends. yesterday I had 3 phone calls. all must have sensed I was feeling down. Bless them. One I was invited to Christmas lunch, wow; another to come to a bbq later today.

Its at times like this I know I am cared for.
just to get out and do something different is taking my mind to a different level.

If only I could (untrain ) my mind. or is it retrain, things would be better all round.




JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 24 Nov 2012 18:16

Thank you for kind words Paula. <3

Uzzi. If you are still there, pm me your telephone number and you can rant to me in person for a few minutes. I can't remember the number I rang you on last time.xx

Paula+

Paula+ Report 24 Nov 2012 17:57

Jill . You are such a lovely person just try to put these demons behind you enjoy your life with your family. What an eye opener reading this thread.

Hugs to you too Uzzi

I count my blessings everyday. <3 <3

UzziInSunshine

UzziInSunshine Report 24 Nov 2012 16:09

Jill I was feeling a tad guilty because she hasn´t got to see me for 2 wks because I am here sorting her stuff out. I was also feeling guilty because a) I am running out of time and B) I´m having to be brutal with things.

Today I decided to attack the stuff in the garage.!

Stuff is a good word
Stuff her, Stuff it.

I spent 7hrs in there (and still haven´t finished) What have I found, the only photo´s she has of me stuffed in a tatty box with a load of cr*p. Oh and my Dads builders certificates that she shouldn´t have had anyway.
So with my back now killing me I´m teetering on tether edge... if it wasn´t for the fact I would still have to sort the stuff I would be on a train to Gatwick right now.

Sharron

Sharron Report 24 Nov 2012 15:40

No,I was never able to relax either. Anything the parents didn't fancy doing was my duty after they had tried to pass it over to each other.

You take it into adult life,the feeling that you are not doing enough.If only you could get hold of a few longer days.It makes you open for exploitation by others too I think.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 24 Nov 2012 15:13

I thought it was time to bump this up and also because I am having one of those 'struggling' days; a day when it's all just too much to deal with

I have so much to do that I want to get done but no inner strength to start any task. I want to craft or do a bit of family tree or even work on some writing. It's the old 'training' of feeling guilty because it's something for me when the house isn't perfect or tidy so I'm a bad person for that alone. How stupid is all of this?I even used to be made to feel bad for going to bed and sleeping. How dare I be tired and how dare I think about going to bed when there was a cup left to wash up or I hadn't dusted that day. Bl**dy parents and sibling.

Oh stuff it. I'm going to get a hot choc and pick a branch of the tree to work on. Or I might get my laptop out and write :-D

Of course I could do what I'm doing now and sitting here enjoying the company of daughter and son whilst the rugby is on. All of which, my family would never understand me enjoying. :-P :-P :-P

Moan over :-D

Sharron

Sharron Report 26 Oct 2012 10:52

I have been reading an article about a man who was sexually abused, which is the abuse that is everybody is appalled by when many are not quite sure if psychological abuse matters, and could so much relate the struggle he described as having to understand why it was happening.

I think I once came to the conclusion that it was one of those onerous duties of parents, and she had so many, to make us unhappy in childhood so that we would be happy when we grew up.

Well,I got that one wrong then!

Sharron

Sharron Report 17 Sep 2012 22:15

Yesterday, having nothing better to do, I re-read this whole thread and,if nothing else makes this thread seem worthwhile, reading Jill's posts does.

This is not even particularly for their content which I did not read in their entirety. In fact I couldn't read the first ones, they were so disjointed and full of anger and bewilderment. It must have felt good to get it all out

The last couple read as if they were written by a different person.coherent. logical and beautifully put together.

I hope we can all continue to suppoet each other for a long time yet.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 17 Sep 2012 19:45

Hi Merlin.

Thanks for that. And you are so right about choosing friends. I have some wonderful friends now who are the family I always longed for.xJ

Merlin

Merlin Report 17 Sep 2012 14:42

Just dinasorjill, Just read this again, Firstly a "Belated Happy Birthday" secondly, just remember when they get you down,You can always Choose your Friends, But Sadly Not your Family,And Its their Loss, Take care.**M**.

wisechild

wisechild Report 17 Sep 2012 14:30

This topic really has touched a raw nerve with so many people.
I think the thing I feel most is cheated.
Cheated of a proper home life.
Cheated of cousins & aunts & uncles because my mother lied about her family & now cheated of my daughter & my granddaughter because of the lies my mother told my daughter.
Anyone remember the phrase.....If you say anything to your father you will get twice as much when he´s not here.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 17 Sep 2012 14:21

I have a friend who is a retired mental health social worker (we have known each other since our teens) and she has often said over the years, I have never ever come across anyone like your mother. It is a miracle you are normal - you must have all of your father's genes'.

She lived until aged 97 - the last couple of years in care and apparently she would always enter the dining room late and announce I am here'.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 17 Sep 2012 13:41

Thank you so much Moonbi for posting this.

Reading it was amazing. Couldn't decide whether sit in a corner and sob but most overwhelmingly I wanted to laugh. Nervous reaction????

Golly. It's him. All the way.

I had a telephone conversation where I stood up to him (the first time anyone ever had) and said 'NO' to his latest demands which included me helping him to 'get these people' (hospital staff and hosp social worker) who had dared to collectively annoy him by their unreasonable behaviour. He was furious with me and he accused me and hubby of all sorts of underhand and dishonest behaviour. Insult me and I'm used to it but what he was accusing hubby of after he'd gone out of his way to help, including the week before which included losing five or siix hours work and I just flipped. I told him that he was a Pa ra noi d O ld M an. Forgive me for doing it like that but it makes it virtually unGoogleable I think. At some point after that I hung up on him. Next thing the telephone rings again and it's him. He demanded to speak to hubby and I said 'NO'. He was going to tell hubby to tell me to behave myself.

Apparently he told the sibling what I'd dared to say and how it I had obviously caused him great offence. When I was clearing out some of his papers I found his appointment diary. He'd written what I'd said and that was the only entry for that day.

He also saw himself as some sort of God-like figure. He always said that he prided himself on being an awkward customer. In the room that we cleared there were folders and folders of letters of complaint to various companies and his MP. I joked about writing to her to say she could probably lay off one of her helpers now. We found neat bundles of cash receipts from a local (national) supermarket. He had kept them for when he thought he could prove some wrongdoing against them and get back what they had cheated him out of.

By the time we had finished there were binbags full of papers. All that crap he'd kept but in his rubbish bin, I found the birthday card that the grandson he was ashamed of had drawn and made for him.

Then I found a bag of cards that probably the female parent had kept and he had found. I say that because I found other older ones hidden in cupboards she would not expect him to go into. Mostly from us, the kids and the sibling and her hubby. A handful from a couple of friends. They were intact but all those from us had mutilated - every single one of them. Beautiful cards that he had cut all our names out of. And okay maybe our names offended him but he mutilated the ones the kids had made too. The sibling said that she would have had back the ones she sent to the female parent as some sort memory but not after seeing the way he left them. I have them in my craft stash of cards waiting to be cut up and reused to make new ones.

Wisechild. I've had the same thing said to me. My reply has always been. It's amazing I'm not more screwed up than I am :-D

hazel

hazel Report 17 Sep 2012 11:04

oh my goodness, how true, a N truly believes they are the perfection of life, and it is everyone else who is at fault. even psychiatrists admit there is no help for them. it is never possible to fight your corner with one, as you will end up believing it is all your fault.sadly when children are involved, it is a different ball game. even now, if i hear the same name as the N, it makes me tremble inside, i feel there will never be an escape.he manipulated so many lives, and still does. we have tried to say, well it is over, he can't hurt us anymore, but the fear is always with us.

wisechild

wisechild Report 17 Sep 2012 07:25

One of my most embarrassing moments was when I was in my 40s. A friend & I were taking our first childless holiday & because we were flying from Birmingham, stayed overnight at my mother´s house (much against my better judgement). At the airport the following day, my friend said "How the h**l did you grow up normal with a mother like that"? :-0 :-0

moonbi

moonbi Report 17 Sep 2012 07:03

So I haven't ventured to say what I think N are for.

Seems to me they think they are here on earth as little demi-gods.
To be adored, and admired.
and have their emotional tank filled up upon request.

well not from me he aint, not any more from moi.

:-0

moonbi

moonbi Report 17 Sep 2012 06:55

taken from an answer to the question "are N cognizant or completely unaware of their....."
wiki answers
quote
"its very hard to know this and we may never know this for sure. The reason is you cannot get inside someone else's mind. But I surmise from many conversations with a N that they are aware. On a level that they usually hide, both from themselves and others, they are aware. They can get to this level if they try to, so I call that aware.
What they are aware of is that their minds are structured differently and work differently from others. They don't understand what it is for others to feel pain. They will do it if they think they can get away with it and it looks interesting or fun

They will do it to get attention. They don't care if it causes others pain, but they don't want to look bad because then they might not be able to think of themselves as the wonderful people they think they are. Others might stop admiring them. they don't always know what exactly is wrong with them, but they know its something and that they shouldn't let others know about it. They suspect its something very, very bad. They are often fearful and depressed.

They also have very bad memories and can spontaneously forget things or warp things in their memories. But on the deepest level they do know that they are different and that they are cold and that they are predatory or virus-like.
The N I knew even took pride in his predatory nature. I call that ware.
The deal with them isn't that they don't know what they do and how they do it.
The deal is they try to make what they do, seem like a good thing.

That's where the logic gets twisted. So I would say a N is aware of his maladaptive abusive behavior, but he would claim it is adaptive and amazingly good behavior, and that you are abusive and if his behavior seems maladaptive, its all your fault. That's basically how the line of the logic runs.
And then they laugh at you in their heads all the way to the bank.

Want to see something funny, tell a N you can see through them and that they aren't so great, and watch the freak-out begin. " unquote
Not for the faint of heart -- be prepared for some fireworks!

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Sep 2012 20:29

Well when it was the sibling's birthday a few months ago I sent her a card because hubby and I thought it was the right thing to do. This was even though she'd made it clear just how much - or rather just how little - she thought of me and her neice and nephew. Well it's my birthday today and nothing arrived in my post this week. I'm not really surprised and I wish I could work out how much I care. The thing is I reckon I'm sad because I suppose that a card would have proved that there was something of our relationship left.

My parents destroyed any pleasure in having a birthday. It became just an extra opportunity to be mean and hurtful. My in laws always made it mean something when they were alive.

I always hope that hubby and the kids will ignore the day but they don't so I get a present and they sing Happy Birthday. I tell them that I don't need anything beyond what I have - them.

Be Christmas soon. Guess that's one stamp I'll be saving on.

xxJ