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narcissistic mothers

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Jacqueline

Jacqueline Report 27 Jun 2012 22:59

I was abused as a child until leaving home but by father not mother.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 27 Jun 2012 21:49

My turn to nudge this up I think.

Hi to all. Stay strong. We have each other.

xxJ

Jean (Monmouth)

Jean (Monmouth) Report 8 Jun 2012 15:00

I agree, Chris, there will be new members who can take heart from this thread, and know that they are not imagining their problems with a parent. AT 77, I still feel the hurt that my mother inflicted on me all those years ago.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 8 Jun 2012 13:31

This thread must keep going. It has been a help to many including myself.

Sharron

Sharron Report 8 Jun 2012 13:24

Have come upon an article called 'The Mirror Seaks in the Mother-Daughter Connection' on the Psychology Today site.

I think it is worth a look.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 2 Jun 2012 15:24

Here's the one for male parents. I'm so badly bruised I can't use the 'f' word.

http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm

I wasn't able to read everything on this page. If I go too close to anything like this sort of article my head starts to pound and it sounds daft but if the text or page is too complicated it makes me feel panicy. My brain is okay with reading on Wiki and I've just realised why; the text is simple and there is no background. So I can read and stay calm.

This is the criteria on Wiki for Sadistic Personality Disorder although I have read that some people don't recognise it as there are various or similar conditions.

So if someone you know ticks four out of the eight that person has SPD. My male parent fits 2 to 8 perfectly.

A) A pervasive pattern of cruel, demeaning, and aggressive behavior, beginning by early adulthood, as indicated by the repeated occurrence of at least four of the following:

1.Has used physical cruelty or violence for the purpose of establishing dominance in a relationship (not merely to achieve some non-interpersonal goal, such as striking someone in order to rob him/her).
2.Humiliates or demeans people in the presence of others.
3.Has treated or disciplined someone under his/her control unusually harshly.
4.Is amused by, or takes pleasure in, the psychological or physical suffering of others (including animals).
5.Has lied for the purpose of harming or inflicting pain on others (not merely to achieve some other goal).
6.Gets other people to do what he/she wants by frightening them (through intimidation or even terror).
7.Restricts the autonomy of people with whom he or she has a close relationship, e.g., will not let spouse leave the house unaccompanied.
8.Is fascinated by violence, weapons, injury, or torture.

He hated me, my sibling hated me. I'm not sure that the female parent was capable of love either but now I know what her life was like with him, I feel sorry for her. That said, despite doing so much for them especially in their last few years, she learned from him to hate me as much as he did.

Her doctor, their neighbours and friends got told wicked lies by her about me. I was there when she told her doctor some of them. Looking me straight in my eyes one day, in front of two cousins she said that I had mistreated her.

Just one of her friends believed me because she says that the female parent confessed to having done something wicked to me but wouldn't tell her what.

I wish I could come back and share something later. Not sure if I can. It's an afternoon that I have learned to keep parts of in a mental cupboard. I refuse to think about certain things that she did and said. I just can't go there.

You know I was very sorry for those kids who died in that fire in Derby. I wasn't shocked as some seemed to be though, because like many of you on here, we have seen the cruelty that a parent can inflict on a child.

Going out for a while to forget.J



Sharron

Sharron Report 1 Jun 2012 23:07

Resurrected for somebody who needs it.

PiersFromKent

PiersFromKent Report 16 Apr 2012 15:52

So very sad Jillian. It's difficult to understand how any parent can behave in such a way.

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:46

Maybe didn't want daughters. Male parent made clear with one of eariest memories I wasn't wanted. Wanted boy, would never forgive me for not being. Don't remember who told me around same time I guess that parents could not afford third child. I was supposed to die so they could have another which might be son. All my life I was never forgiven or allowed to forget I am not supposed to exist and had to make up for it all.

Both parents gone now. No relationship with sibling truly chip off old block.

No more. Learning to come to terms with abuse but never understanding how person can hate their kids so much. He, sibling always hated. female parent remember as okay sometimes. Then taught to hate me as much as he did. Both died hating me. Sibling still alive. She hates me. She hates her husband. Treats him badly. Lots of bad language and put downs. My marriage good. Kids good. Happy family. Parents, sibling hated even more me being happy. Continued to try to destroy. Didn't work.

Am stressed so going to bake. Female parent made decent cakes. I make good cakes, everybody loves. Female parent would have hated that.

J

PiersFromKent

PiersFromKent Report 16 Apr 2012 15:25

Many years ago I dated a young lady who was the eldest of three children - she had a sister 2 years younger and a brother who was 5 years her junior. The mother was really odd and I couldn't for the life of me work out what was going on with her. At times she 'appeared' quite normal, but then she would go into some kind of depression and take everything out on her husband and two daughters, by not speaking to them. However, she would carry on speaking with her son.... very strange. This would go on for months and when I paid a visit I didn't even receive the courtesy of an 'hello'. I really felt sorry for my gf at the time because she said that when little she would worry all day when at school as to whether her mum would be speaking or not. She said that her mum would never listen to her or her sister read (aged 5 or so) - but always her brother. In the same way the mother would buy sweets for the son, but not for his sisters. Lots more I could say unfortunately. So, I was wondering what you folk think....was that mother narcisstic?

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:11

Example of abuse from sibling. Depending on her mood, would follow me when I went to the toilet. Stood outside door listening. If I made a sound doing what I needed to do, beating followed.

Expert at contact where wouldn't be seen so took a lot of punishment to head under hair. Had I told parents, wouldn't have been believed anyway and consequences would have been severe, if not from her, then male parent.

Grew up not knowing one day to the next if I would be allowed to live or not. Didn't realise couldn't just be got rid of or thrown out on streets.

J

JustDinosaurJill

JustDinosaurJill Report 16 Apr 2012 15:05

Not been able to read much of this thread. Too close to home in many ways. So much abuse, secrets and lies in my life. Some days I can't believe my own story.

Chris. I came on here to say had the 'you are lucky to have such lovely parents' No one ever saw what went on in that house. Actually I did talk to someone once and I learned my lesson not to. It was ex-colleague of male parent, became a driving instructor after redundancy, taught me, sibling and female parent to drive, became family friend along with his wife. They came to visit me in hospital after my daughter was born. Told them a bit then. One day at their house began to tell whole story. From that moment on, they wanted nothing to do with me or my kids. Stayed close friends with parents and sibling though.

Janet

Janet Report 16 Apr 2012 11:29

The article in the Mail on Sunday was informative.

It pointed me in the direction of a problem that I had with one of my siblings a couple of years ago. After being close for over sixty years the' grandiose sense of self importance' part of the complaint surfaced again as usual, normally I have gone along with the conversation, but just for once I tried to quietly say how things really were- in the real world as they say-.my sibling left and I have never seen him since. I don't have a problem with the separation, in fact it came almost as a relief. -jl

Sharron

Sharron Report 15 Apr 2012 21:58

There is an article about narcissism in the Review section of the Mail on Sunday this week.

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 1 Feb 2012 12:24

Sharron - you and me both - what sort of mother takes a loved toy from a child?

Didn't expect you to reply to me although to my surprise I received a couple of psm.

Have just been talking to a childhood friend this morning who said to me 'wasn't your mother a lovely woman'? She never noticed I did not reply as she does not often stop to draw breath!!!

Guess we are all stronger and learned not to copy our mothers.

Sharron

Sharron Report 1 Feb 2012 09:17

It seems like the world is swarming with the buggers!

What are they for I ask myself.

Sorry I didn't reply to you yesterday Chris but somebody was having a bit of aggro behind the scenes and I just couldn't handle your post as well.

My grandad bought me one of those Mobo push along horses. He died when I was five but the horse was uite dear to me.When I was about eight I came in to see my mother sticking grey material to my horse because the little girl down the lane had said she wanted a donkey. It wasn't long before my horse was out in the ditch rotting but,of course it wasn't my horse anymore.

Now I have written that I am crying again.

Val

Val Report 1 Feb 2012 08:57

I have read this thread and went on web site to have a read at the signs they have and to say my ex husband was like that is an understatement he still does this to my daughter she has gave him money for a car which she got a loan from the bank she paid it for him, she didn't talk to him for a couple of years and was talking to me again she wanted to take her lgv test which by then she was talking to him again he told her she wouldn't pass I told her she could do anything if she set her mind to it and she did pass then she started on me again saying horrible things to me like how I don't have nice clothes and how I wear my 2nd hubby jumpers and that my mum didn't buy me trainers years ago when my ex told me when he gave me money for trainers I said the kids need shoes also he said see who is more important me or the kids so kids got shoes according to her that never happened so we are not talking anymore as she has done things to me a few times her dad put her up to it and she done it though he was not nice to her most of time
I left after he attacked our son who was 10yrs old at the time I sometimes think I should not have left her behind but I would never have had a life with her around as she didn't want her youngest brother's dad coming round when she was there who I have been with now 15yrs and married 12 yrs in June

Thank you for putting this thread up

ChrisofWessex

ChrisofWessex Report 31 Jan 2012 15:27

With all this talk of the pandas in scots zoo reminds me of aged about 8 yrs I was give the ultimatum of give away your teddy or panda - another little girl needs one! I wanted panda and then was told daddy bought you the teddy and he would be so cross if you gave that away.

Have not forgiven her allthese decades later. :-|

SueMaid

SueMaid Report 31 Jan 2012 10:26

Nudge - hasn't been on page 1 for ages

Sharron

Sharron Report 17 Oct 2011 09:01

It's a lottery Liz.It's not about justice.

I can't imagine anybody who wins truly deserves to.

Don't give up your good works just because you haven't won. I won't give up mine, not that I have ever done any.