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Help please,

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 14 May 2008 03:14

Any suggestions to help this young man?

Got talking to the young woman doing my hair today at the training academy and she said her boyfriend was very upset and crying himself to sleep as his ex had done a runner before Christmas with his little boy of 4 and he can't find them. They hadn't been together for a while and then he met this young woman who was cutting my hair. They think the mother and child have moved to another town where she had connections, but as she has changed her mobile phone number and he has tried everyone she knew, and they say they don't know where she is, he is distraught. He used to pay her maintenance money directly and they have been in touch with csa to see if they can help find them, with a solicitor and now he is trying to get some money together to hire a private investigator.
I said I would ask you lovely folk if you had any ideas on how to track the child and mother down, as the man wants to continue contact with his son as he had since he was born. She is going to phone me Weds evening to talk to me about it in case I can offer any suggestions to help them get in touch again. The lad will be going to school soon if not already so I suggested the father write to the local education department of the area they think she is in, and see if they would help. The man's name is on the child's birth certificate.
Any ideas please, let me know. Such a shame when a man wants to help with his child's upbringing and the mother has stopped the contact, who knows what lies she has told the little lad and how upset he must be, not seeing his daddy.

Lizx

TaniaNZ

TaniaNZ Report 14 May 2008 04:24

Hi Liz I know you mean well but you actually dont know this man at all.He could be feeding you or his girlfriend a whole pile of balony for all you know.
His girlfriend may have legged it without contact for very good reason and her friends and family may be protecting her for very good reason.
I cant imagine hes going to announce the fact if he is an abuser and there tactics are many and varied
Regards Tania

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 14 May 2008 04:30

Hi Tania, I did think about that angle, but from how it came into the conversation and such, I think the girlfriend is telling the truth as she has been with this chap for a while and used to help him with the little one when he had him to visit so she would have known what was happening.
Will see what she says when she calls me - they do not have a computer so don't know what you can find from them, but they have a friend who has one they could go and use with their friend's help, if I give them anything to look at. I am sure if they tried to get the education people to act as go betweens or who would get Social Services involved to talk to the mother about why she has stopped contact, surely they wouldn't have contacted csa to see if they could help if they had ulterior motives as it could have backfired and they been made to pay more maintenance through them. They said they had no record of her so couldn't get involved, as he had been paying maintenance direct to her.
Lizx

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 14 May 2008 17:10

n

skwirrel 1

skwirrel 1 Report 14 May 2008 17:23

liz I pm'd you

Gill

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 14 May 2008 17:57

thanks Gill

Lizx

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 14 May 2008 19:03

n

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 18 Jun 2008 02:14

Hi all, I saw the young lady today when I was at the training academy getting my hair cut, and she said they had been to the Police as advised by one person and they can't do anything unless the lad can provide the address she has moved to, and they went to a solicitor and were told the same thing, which I find odd, as when I worked at a Private Investigation agency, we often did work for solicitors tracing people for various reasons.
Can anyone else suggest how they can find the girl and the little lad who is now 4 and probably at school in the new area, Colchester, Essex.

She said he is at his wit's end worrying that the little boy will think he no longer cares about him and wanting to see him.

Lizx

Muffyxx

Muffyxx Report 18 Jun 2008 07:56

I haven't any worthwhile advice to give but I hope he manages to see his son very soon. I can't imagine how awful it must feel to be parted from a much loved child. xx

SallyF

SallyF Report 18 Jun 2008 08:08

Hi Liz
Just to say working in a school we have a lot of kids who are there one minute and just seem to disappear off the face of the earth the next as the parents move around a lot. We also have quite a few who do so because an abusive partner has found them again. I don't think any schools are going to give out information as to whether a child attends even if the father is on the birth certificate. They have too much experience of outwardly loving people not being what they seem.
Tread very carefully Liz, and personally I'd leave them to sort it out themselves. Caring people can get caught up in terrible situations because they care.

Glenys the Menace!

Glenys the Menace! Report 18 Jun 2008 08:22


Hello Liz, just seen this thread resurrected and had wondered how they'd got on.

Our adopted childrens' birth mother leads a pretty nomadic lifestyle, together with the little girl she gave birth to shortly after we met our two for the first time .............!

We're in touch with other (innocent) birth family members, and they say her postal address always seems to be PO Box this and that, etc. so I don't know if that helps (probably not).

If your friend and her partner have nothing to hide - and I'm sure they haven't - would they be willing to have a police check done, and if the child is found, perhaps suggest to SS that if they have any doubts the man could have supervised contact. :-))

That would at least cover your friend and partner's backs.

Good luck.
x

Eldrick

Eldrick Report 18 Jun 2008 08:32

Phew - just read this and can only re-iterate the advice already given. Don't get involved - it will end in tears.

This girl obviously has her reasons to stay anonymous, whatever they are, and they should be totally respected by people who know only one side of the story.

I see this so many times on GR and it always makes me shake my head in disbelief. There are people on this site who have expertise in tracing living people and many times they give well intentioned help without knowing the full story.

Imagine what would happen when, after giving this help, the news headlines suddenly tell of a tragic domestic incident.....

Is it worth taking the chance? I think not. Leave alone. It's their problem and sometimes people just have to sort their own lives out without help from a lot of strangers.

Pat Kendrick

Pat Kendrick Report 18 Jun 2008 09:19

I agree with Eldrick do not get involved. You are hearing one side to the story which you do not know if it is true or false. For the mother to suddenly disappear after nearly 4 years then something must have happened.

Susan719813

Susan719813 Report 18 Jun 2008 11:59

I agree with Eldrick Liz,

People do things for a their own reasons and maybe one day the mother and Father will resolve their differences which should be left to them to sort out.

It has also been my experience that the helper gets the blame and wishes they had stayed out of it when the full story is revealed.

Unless the Father has positive proof that the child's life is in danger, I am afraid the authorities will not reveal the Mother's where-abouts, even if they knew.

One could just as easily have met the Mother and listened to her reasons, then tried to help her keep the Father away from them.

I have known abusive Fathers who have genuinely wanted to see their children and cried buckets....one feels sorry for them at the time...then when they do, the abuse starts again. This is not to say that the father isn't genuine, but that you and the authorities just can't afford to take the chance.

Susan
x

Alko

Alko Report 18 Jun 2008 12:05

I agree with Eldrick. Leave well alone. She had her reasons for going off. xxxx

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond

Purple **^*Sparkly*^** Diamond Report 19 Jun 2008 04:15

Thanks for input folks, I can see where you are coming from, but the way this situation was told me, and from what the girlfriend of this little boy's daddy said, the mother had been difficult for a while with the access, just to be awkward. I think she was annoyed he had found a nice girlfriend while she couldn't find a new man! I really don't think there are any reasons to be suspicious, but will just pass on information and suggestion that was pm'd to me and hope they can get somewhere like that.
Lizx