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PAUSE FOR THOUGHT!!

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 19:50

Some more of my favourites, which I've probably posted before ...

This one is really my very favourite, just because it is so utterly dumb.


In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That American S of a B wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"

2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

3. The American thought - "That ****ing Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".



And this one comes in two versions:



(a) An American, an Australian and a Canadian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his Budweiser beer, knocked it back in one gulp, threw the glass into the air, and shot it with his handgun. As he set the gun on the bar, he said to the Australian and the Canadian, “In the great U.S. of A. we have so much money, we never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Next the Australian drank his Fosters beer, threw the glass into the air, and shot the glass with the American’s gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he proclaimed, “In Australia, we have so much sand that glass is cheap, and we too never drink out of the same glass twice.”

Finally, the Canadian drank his Labatts Blue beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American.

As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian, “In Canada, we have so many Americans, we never have to drink with the same one twice.”


(b) A Texan, a Canadian and a Guy from Michigan

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!" The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."

So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 19:45

No, never fear, you've caused jokes. ;)

But you should tell the Canadian who sent that how unCanadian it is to boast so!



Dermot

Dermot Report 15 Jul 2008 19:45

Well done Brenda. Nobody 'fell out' either!

Brenda from Wales

Brenda from Wales Report 15 Jul 2008 19:43

Well,I have caused a debate,and all I did was C&P an e-mail I had from Canada.!!!

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 18:56

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds: "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 18:54

You wouldn't really catch a Canadian writing something like that about ourselves.

On the other hand, you wouldn't likely catch anybody but a USAmerican writing something like that about themselves. ;)

Dermot

Dermot Report 15 Jul 2008 18:53

Do I detect a little bit of 'grit' between Canada & USA?

Or, is it a bit like the English/Welsh/Scottish/Irish mild humorous jokes? Just wondered.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 15 Jul 2008 18:20

thanks for that Kathryn - something to think about for sure!

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 18:08

Sorry -- I went on by that one.

WalMart was mentioned in the context of ethical shopping.

WalMart is one of the most unethical corporations / employers in the world.

It would take ages to list its sins. I do have a friend in Colorado who worked there for about a year as part of a union organizing initiative, to gather intelligence and lay the groundwork, and that offered some interesting insights.

A brief rundown:

- demands huge property/business tax concessions from municipalities where it proposes to open, which they agree to because of the prospects of employment; small local businesses close, the tax base is eroded, the community becomes dependent on WalMart for jobs and goods and services.

- practices predatory pricing -- it can afford to price low in order to drive small competitors out of business, then raise prices.

- pays employees a wage that no one can live on

- offers employees a health care plan that no one trying to live on a WalMart wage could ever pay for (remember: no public health care in the US)

- gains vertical control of the production chain -- because of its buying power, it forces its suppliers to charge lower and lower prices, with the result that the workers at the bottom of the chain, usually in developing countries, are left with poverty wages and appalling working conditions

A succinct summary, with links to groups and sites critical of WalMart:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_Wal-Mart

The cartoon has a "greeter" welcoming shoppers with the words:

WalMart put my company out of business so I had to get a job at WalMart.
Thanks to WalMart, I can now only afford to shop at WalMart.
Enjoy shopping at WalMart.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 15 Jul 2008 17:55

and there we have it!!! you are quite mind-boggling with what you come out with you know!! I still want to know, vis a vis another thread - what is wrong with Walmart and why don't you go there - sorry to the poster of this thread to digress by the way

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 17:53

But Ann, you *know* I have to debunk it. ;)

What's really quite awful about it is that it's just a rewrite of a hoax that was originally about USAmericans.

http://www.snopes.com/rumors/america2.asp

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following was said to be written by a dentist in Australia.

An American

You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American. So I just thought I would write to let them know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them choose.

An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. The best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes.

Americans welcome the best, but they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.

These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers in the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. [I've been told that the people in the Towers were from at least 30, and maybe many more, other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.]

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

So look around you. You may find more Americans in your land than you thought were there. One day they will rise up and overthrow the old, ignorant, tired tyrants that trouble too many lands. Then those lands, too, will join the community of free and prosperous nations.

And America will welcome them.

*************

As the reaction to pieces from a Canadian and a Romanian demonstrate, Americans take great delight in encomiums to America and Americans authored by citizens of other nations.

This piece isn't such a case. The "What is an American?" article quoted above was not penned by an Australian (or a dentist), but by Peter Ferrara, an associate professor of law at the George Mason University School of Law in Northern Virginia. Mr. Ferrara's commentary was originally published in the National Review on 25 September 2001.

(Text enclosed in brackets was not part of Mr. Ferrara's piece as published, but was added by someone else.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


So that explains that Pursuit of Happiness bit!

The National Review is a right-wing rag, and this being written by a USAmerican about his own country makes it not quite as sweet as it being written by some foreigner about either them or us. ;)

Also explains why I'd never heard of that bounty on Canadians ...

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 15 Jul 2008 17:43

Well thanks so much to that Australian dentist! It's true -- one of our best skills is blending into a crowd. ;)

Unfortunately, our presence in Afghanistan runs counter to much of what the piece praises us for. And that's part of why we're apparently having bounties put on our head. (The Canadians that the bounty is directed at are members of our Armed Forces, of course.)

One quibble, as is the problem with chain mails of all kinds.

"Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each Person to the pursuit of happiness"

That's actually the US Declaration of Independence.

Our Charter recognizes the equality (and, by interpretation, dignity) of every individual, and everyone's right to equal treatment regardless of personal characteristics, and to life, liberty and security of the person.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 15 Jul 2008 17:40

I was wondering when Kathryn would spot it!!!

I would like to think though that we're all proud of where we come from - I know I couldn't live anywhere else in the world than Wales - country of my birth and my forefathers

Dermot

Dermot Report 15 Jul 2008 17:39

This will please KathrynB. Smashing!

Minnehik

Minnehik Report 15 Jul 2008 17:31

Right on!
And Canadians have the right and freedom to speak their minds, the right to vote as their conscience dictates and the responsibity to respect the rights, freedoms and opinions of others. Canada was built by people who came here who were, for the majority of people, seeking a a better future for themselves and their families and for the right to be free to make their own descisions and the opportunity to work to that end.
We are sure not perfect but this country is certainly the best place in the world to live - warts and all.
Like the Ozzies say - if you don't like the way we do things - go some place else.
A proud Canadian

Teddys Girl

Teddys Girl Report 15 Jul 2008 16:20

Well said, Lots of my Ancestors went to Canada.

I may have been one, if my grandmother had not wanted to stay in London near her family.

Brenda from Wales

Brenda from Wales Report 15 Jul 2008 16:17

In case anyone asks you who a Canadian is . . .


You probably missed it in the local news, but there was a report

That someone in Pakistan had advertised in a newspaper an offer of a

Reward to anyone who killed a Canadian - any Canadian.


An Australian dentist wrote the following editorial to help define

What a Canadian is, so they would know one when they found one.


A Canadian can be English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German,

Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. A Canadian can be Mexican,

African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian,

Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan.


A Canadian may also be a Cree, Métis, Mohawk, Blackfoot, Sioux, or

One of the many other tribes known as native Canadians. A Canadian's

Religious beliefs range from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim,

Hindu or none. In fact, there are more Muslims in Canada than in

Afghanistan. The key difference is that in Canada they are free to

Worship as each of them chooses. Whether they have a religion or no

Religion, each Canadian ultimately answers only to God, not to the

Government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government

And for God.


A Canadian lives in one of the most prosperous lands in the history

Of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the

Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each

Person to the pursuit of happiness.


A Canadian is generous and Canadians have helped out just about

Every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking

A thing in return. Canadians welcome the best of everything, the

Best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the

Best services and the best minds. But they also welcome the least -

The oppressed, the outcast and the rejected.


These are the people who built Canada. You can try to kill a

Canadian if you must as other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world

Have tried but in doing so you could just be killing a relative or a

Neighbour. This is because Canadians are not a particular people from

A particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of

Freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, can be a Canadian.


Please keep this going! Pass this around the World. Then pass it

Around again. It says it all, for all of us.




'Keep your stick on the ice' In Hockey means (keep your cool)