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Jokes wanted!!

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Brenda from Wales

Brenda from Wales Report 21 Jan 2013 21:12







An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true.
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************

(And this final one especially for me,)
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!








MayBlossomEmpressofSpring

MayBlossomEmpressofSpring Report 21 Jan 2013 21:03

Every day a woman stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord"
and every day her next door neighbour said "There is no Lord".

One morning the first woman shouted "Lord, I'm hungry, please send me food"

The next morning she found a big bag of groceries on her porch, and yet again she shouted "Praise the Lord"

Ther is no Lord said her neighbour, I bought the groceries!!

The first woman replied:

" Praise the Lord, not only for the groceries, he made the devil pay for them"

MayBlossomEmpressofSpring

MayBlossomEmpressofSpring Report 21 Jan 2013 19:59

Or even a bottle of Baileys or the cheaper versions may be more affective.

Brenda from Wales

Brenda from Wales Report 21 Jan 2013 19:36


Hope you enjoy!!




Wonder drugs come and go but the basics never change like aspirin,
paracetamol, etc...........

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?


Do you suffer from shyness?


Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Cabernet Sauvignon.


Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your
shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just
about anything.


You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and,
with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live.


Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had.


Stop hiding and start living.


Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.


Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss
of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked
Twister.


WARNINGS:


* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.


* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.


* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.


* The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many as you
feel may benefit!


Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz .