General Chat

Hi +++DetEcTive+++, Purple**^*Sparkly*^***Diamond Annie and all those whose names I've missed. Sorry to have missed you off the previous replies.

Thank you so much for your advice, it's all been very helpful.


Annie I'm so pleased for you and your daughter. Some people are just sheer nasty and selfish when it comes to their children, they say they have their best interests at heart - but really they don't all they want is to cause as much harm to their ex as possible and use the children to do it. It's sick.

All the advice offered has been very enlightening. We are convinced it's all to do with the maintenance. She was always running them into debt and he was constantly striving to get out of it - its one reason he left it was getting harder and harder to cope financially. The more he has them overnight the less maintenance she receives. She once admitted it to him when he asked her why he can't have them more!!!

Once again we can't thank you enough for your help and advice, it's very much appreciated.

I'd like to wish you all well,

Lou

My stepson spent about four years trying to get custody of his fhree children. In the end everything he had told the authorities was proved to be correct.

The mother is an alcoholic which is terribly sad but the effect on the children was truly awful. The house they lived in was a wedding present from my stepsons grandma but when the divorce was given my stepson was told to leave.
Finally a person from the authorities went to see her and found her unconscious through alcohol and all tree children in a dire state. Fortunately the father of this woman told the Authorites that he would care for the children and allow there father to see them whenever he wished.

The mother is know in and out of hospital. Lives with another alcoholic in Caravan. Is not allowed to see the children and her father told me she hardly knows who she is!

We see the children whenever we wish and they visit us in the school hols. All three have improved in e dry way and I think that the two youngest cannot realy remember their mother.

I hope and pray that your son one day has his children back.

B

I would think something on the lines of rather the father or you be ' palmed off ' with the children than a random boyfriend of the moment and his family. It could maybe be stated that unless she has been with the boyfriend for more than a year (or six months - your son's choice) then he is not to be left with the children or be expected or expect to act as surrogate father or childminder, if you get my drift.

It's so difficult with these situations, my son's gf gets aggro from her ex over her little boy of nearly 5, he even suggested that she come off benefits and go to work and let him have the boy full time as he is now married and has a second child, so his wife is at home during the day with that child and could care for M.
M. has diabetes and so his Mum gets a carer's allowance from which she pays the father some depending on how long he has the boy for, alternate weekends and some evenings after school during the week. He only started full time school last Sept - she had to stay all day every day for two weeks to do his blood checks and injections until the school sorted out someone to do it. My son gets on ok with the boy's dad and stepmum so is able to help mediate if there are difficulties but it's stressful.

Best of luck to your son to get the access he and the children want, and hope the mother sees sense soon.

Lizx

Annie, glad your girl has got things more sorted now and is in control of the situation.

Hi TaniaNZ - That's brilliant, thanks so much, never thought of that one, she has moved twice so never thought about a different location.


Hi Nolls from Harrogate - Another great one to add in, she's had 3 boyfriends since they split already.


and Hi Grannie Annie Your right the court case does cost thousands, he's had to come out of his pension to be able to afford it - but she and new partner are on benefits so it doesn't cost her a penny - hence she's taken him to court so often in the past for silly things which have all been unfounded.

All he wants is to be able to see his kids and all they want is to spend more time with him. This is not the 1st time he's been refused access - she's just using the children as pawns in her silly games. They are the innocent ones in all this.

Thank you so much for your comments. They are very much appreciated.

Kind Regards to you all, Lou

My daughter has been to court over access to her little boy and his father. He wanted shared residency. Little boys nan had interfered and told her son to take it to court as she had wanted to see the little boy. This woman had called social services, bad mouthed my daughter to her ex work friends and called the council to say she had someone living with her. All found to be her meddling.Court case cost thousands. She has agreed he can have him every other week-end from Friday to Sunday evening 1 weeks summer holiday that includes the week-end he would have him. She can have 2 weeks holiday and take him abroad. Mothers hold the passport. Now 6 months on and his mother has now butted out, my daughter lets him have more than the court order as she feels her son wants to be with his dad and benefits from this. There is a lot more to the court order like collection and dropping off. Only he is allowed this if he cant make it then no-one else can pick him up. Its just for father and son. No bad mouthing from both families in front of child.

Perhaps be informed If /When the mother has a new boyfriend/partner who will be staying overnight at the house . It's not fair on the children if strangers just appear or move in

Also add that they can't move anywhere that interferes with his rights to access and the children's right to access there dad.
Without permission
Nothing stops access faster than a huge distance

Thanks Kay, that's a good idea.

Thanks again

LOU

Best to make a llist of 20+? even if they are things already in place,these can be doctored to suit

then sort out a list of most importance which benifit all round to flow in his favour and also not be unreasonable to the mother.......

But not knowing any circumstances and both sides can only offer what I might do myself..

Hi Everyone,

Yes the children are all under 10 and 2 have completed court forms to express their wishes - which are to see and stay overnight with their father for half the time.

He has asked the school and several occasions for updates but they have not done so, before they divorced he was on the PTA, but they have a new head and he's useless and sides with the mother.

She stopped us seeing the children a year ago this month for no reason and still insists we only see the children when he has them. She still insists he has enough time with them yet she palms them off on her boyfriend and his family and hardly takes them / collects from school.

She's never informed him when they have attended hospital or the Dr's so that's a good one to add in, and he's not had any of them for the last 3 years on any of their birthdays = so another good one to add in.

Another great point Carol Paine as she has done that before, when the courts said he could see them in a contact centre every 2nd week - she chose not to attend as she was visiting a relative -- a brilliant point one we both totally forgot Thank you

The court issued that he pick the kids up at 3 when they finish school but the youngest is in play school - my son didn't know - so thats another great point.

Thank you to you all, our minds have gone blank today as he's just received his bill from the solicitor and none of us can think straight. Its been ongoing for 18mths now - so we are totally shattered emotionally from it all.

Thank you thank you Thank you again.

Sincere Regards Lou

Are the chldren of an age to say what THEY would like?

For his children to feel happy and relaxed in his comany.

That regular access is assured and can be mutually flexible in the interest of BOTH parties. ( dont say SIDES!) - when kids get to an age it gets hard not to allow them to go to Johnny's birthday cos they are at daddies.

Reasonable notice of changes, for whatever reason. If they are dads, can dad take him to Johhny's party.

For lines of Communication to be civil and constructive.

Joint custody/shared residency
School to send copies of all activities/reports
Have them alternate weekends (Friday evening till Sunday evening)
A week’s holiday with him during the summer in whatever country he wishes. He would have to check that their passports were valid for this. (A passport problem is a useful tool for an ex who wants to cause problems)
To be informed when a child is ill or injured
To be informed if their mother is taking them away from their home address for more than 1 night & given relevant dates at least a month before the event. (Not a phone call on the Friday morning of one of his access weekends to say “You can’t have kids this weekend because I’m taking them to see Great Aunt Betty”)
Paternal Grandparents to be given access to the children & permitted to take them out for days or have them to stay overnight during school holidays without their father being there.
Two BIG WISHES: That the children are allowed to form a good relationship with their Father & that their parents can work together to ensure this happens.

My son receives the weekly newsletter from his son's school, which helps us all stay in touch.

Sue

Hi first wish should be that the children want him as part of their lives,,,,,a wish list isnt all about what a parents wants for themselves but for the happiness they create for their children in what time is spent with them.

over I want ,me me,,,,,might not be seen an all in favour for the children but for selfish reasons towards the mother.

Maybe permission for them to visit you as grandparent, or at least remain in contact with you.

Never having been in this situation, probably suggestions rather than advice

Presumably your grandchildren are at school so

Permission for the school to send copies of their Reports to him, and copies of letters regarding ‘Performances’ they may be in.

To be allowed access on their birthdays, even if it means he has to visit, to watch them open their presents from him.

At least one day to celebrate Christmas with them, although not necessarily Christmas Day. Boxing Day perhaps?

To be told if they have anything ‘spotty’, broken a limb or been hospitalized.

If they are old enough, to be allowed to speak to them on the phone within reasonable hours.

Permission for them to visit or sleep over at his close relatives with out his supervision (unless of course they would then be 'at risk')

My son has been fighting to see his children more, his ex had stopped all contact with the children last year. It's been ongoing for a year. He does have them 1 day a week now, and he's fighting for shared access. She uses the kids for her own benefit and manipulates things in such nasty ways. She has done things and tried things we'd never imagine. She's even got people to lie for her in court against my son but thankfully got not guilty. the barrister told him he needs a 'wish list' for the last hearing, and I wondered if any of you out there have come across any ideas that she might throw up again in the future that we can try and avoid now.. The wish list is supposed to be about what wishes the court to grant with regards to the kids. Apart from shared residency we are concerned that she won't produce their passports if he ever booked a holiday.. We know we can mention this on the wish list but has anyone come across this type of thing and can advise us of their experiences and what to add.

Sorry but he's just phoned me about it and i've got to go out now and am on holiday monday, he's in court in 2 weeks.

Thanks to anyone who can give us any advice.

Cheers Lou