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That's how the fight started....

ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 11 Jun 2013 23:30

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

eRRolSheep

eRRolSheep Report 11 Jun 2013 23:48

I haven't laughed so much since I last heard a sermon.

That's when the fight started.

maggiewinchester

maggiewinchester Report 12 Jun 2013 00:07

:-D

TheBlackKnight

TheBlackKnight Report 12 Jun 2013 00:58

A couple are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain.

"Any chance of a push?", he asks.

"No way," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us with a push?

You should be ashamed of yourself, now go out and help him"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Ok, where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

~~ Jules in Wiltshire~~

~~ Jules in Wiltshire~~ Report 12 Jun 2013 14:14

These jokes certainly put a smile on my face today as im feeling under the weather... :-D

Jules x

AnninGlos

AnninGlos Report 12 Jun 2013 14:22

Sorry to hear you are not well Jules and yes the jokes made me smile too.

~~ Jules in Wiltshire~~

~~ Jules in Wiltshire~~ Report 12 Jun 2013 14:26

Thanks Ann, my fibro is really bad at moment and im in a lot of pain but hopefully it wont last long... :-S

Jules x

Trish Devon

Trish Devon Report 12 Jun 2013 15:39

I like a good old chuckle,
just what I need on a cold and rainy Summers day.
Keep em coming.
:-D :-D :-D

Mayfield

Mayfield Report 12 Jun 2013 18:07

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Elizabethofseasons

Elizabethofseasons Report 12 Jun 2013 20:39

Dear Black Knight

Hello


I laughed so much at the jokes I am printing them off to read to
my old man the dustman!


Take gentle care
Best wishes
EOS
xx