"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives":
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?"
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week.
One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was! While
they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,
"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"
"Why yes, that would be nice", the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.......
On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant
in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked
over at her and suggested,
"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?'
"Oh, NO," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "Whatever
would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so, he didn't say much until after
dinner when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked,
"Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, my goodness, NO!" said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday
School class if I did!"
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car, and as
he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn.
He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to
lose, so, he ventured forth with,
"Ahhh ... mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice,", she said in anticipation.
The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then
and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible
love making imaginable, the gentleman awoke first.
He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, 'What the h… have I done?'.
He shook her awake and pleaded,
"I've got to ask you one thing.....what are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them --- that you don't have
to smoke and drink to have a good time!