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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

Page 6 + 1 of 14

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 17 Mar 2012 01:38

A new phenomenon called

E-MOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass



Keith

Keith Report 18 Mar 2012 14:35

I think jokes should be given a time limit as to how long they stay on the board.

Keith

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Mar 2012 20:07

why? Keith...............

while many jokes may be old hat to some, there are lots of folks that they are new, to......

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 18 Mar 2012 23:24

I see AnnCardiff's original message 14th February has been RRd!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:28

and that was so mild - it's been on here for over a year!!!

so the phantom reporter has not dropped dead as we all hoped!! how sad

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:29

here's one worth zapping then


There was a young lady from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was small, hardly anything at all
But the other was large and won prizes

boom boom!!

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 18 Mar 2012 23:50

I copied Ann's joke and sent it to a friend of mine who would really appreciate it................. so here it is again............... if the ROTTEN RATBAG RR's this I'll kick and scream until something is done about him/her

Ann put her joke back on this board, so no point in having it twice, so I will delete it....

Good to know the phantom has been dealt with


:-D

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:52

now even a nun could read that and not get offended!!!

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 00:04

A man and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slammed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push”
"Did you help him?"
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring!"
"Well, you have a short memory. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pouring rain. He called out into the dark...............................
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please!"
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing!"

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 00:05

lol Ann - I emailed it to an ex priest !

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 01:06

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it to her for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It costs just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it real slow."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 20 Mar 2012 22:59

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street


He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'
she said with a Wispa.


'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise
for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made
her Ripple.


He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.


Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett
and he had Allsorts!



Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 25 Mar 2012 19:18

Subject: Fw: Robot Lie Detector


Father buys a lie detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.

Father asked the son, "Where were you last night?"

Son replies, "I was at the library".

The robot slaps the son. "OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says.

"What movie" the father says?

"Toy story", Robot slaps the son, "OK it was porn" cried the son.

Father yells, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was."

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."

Robot slaps the mother.

Julie

Julie Report 17 Apr 2012 06:09

How about 1 sentenance Jokes ....

What goes down but not up ? RAIN.

Corny, I know, but at least it's short and sweet !!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Apr 2012 23:39

A guy is driving across the desert, in the states a couple of miles an hour over the speed limit, nothing else on the road for miles........
as he passes a advertising hoarding a police cruiser pulls out and signals him to stop.
the cop says , where are you going in such a hurry?

I'm.so sorry says the guy, but i was miles away, i am on my way to a lecture, and I'm a bit late..........................

what lecture is that says the cop....writing out a ticket......

well i am a rectum stretcher, says the guy, i am a doctor.

how does that work then says the cop?as he is writing...

well says the doc, i take this normal rectum. and with some oils and care I work it till I get two fingers in, then my whole hand, and then two hands, and gradually i get it till its about six feet wide.

wow says the cop, that six foot rectum, thats some asshole...........what happens then?

well says the doc, theres a team of us, and when we get about twenty of em, we send them off to the county state government,and after about two years, they are ready.........
ready for what? says the cop...............well says the doc, mostly after they graduate, they are given a gun, a patrol car and a speed gun, and then get sent out into the desert, to catch unsuspecting drivers that stray a couple of miles an hour over the speed limits.............

Bob

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 2 May 2012 13:08

Traffic warden's coffin was being lowered into the grave, vicar doing his bit when voice from the coffin shouted "Let me out, I'm alive" to which the vicar replied "Sorry, the paper work has been done now

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 May 2012 17:33



Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila











Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 May 2012 19:44

Got this'un in a Email, as you do.............



CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO ! BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU ! BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 21 May 2012 13:33

How you know if there is a bodhran player at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster

:-D

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 3 Jun 2012 15:34

Man aswered the door to the police - they had a photograph - "Is this your wife?" Yes, it is he replied. "Well it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I know the guy said, but she's great with the kids and she makes nice gravy"!!!