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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 9 Jun 2016 14:24


Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.




One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried.




However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.




A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.




Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?




Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.'




'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'




'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'




'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?




'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.




'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

Tawny

Tawny Report 10 Feb 2016 23:26

I sat down next to my partner as they were flipping channels.

"What's on tv I asked?"

He said ",Dust"

And then the fight started.

My birthday was coming up and I said I wanted something shiny that went from 0 to 150 in about 10 seconds. He bought me a bathroom scale

And then the fight started.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 25 Jan 2016 13:38

Ploberly bin on before, but " not Quite what he intended?"



This is just too funny not to share!!!



Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -
Shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
Bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was
Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over............On the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
Bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

So here I am.

meefy

meefy Report 2 Jan 2016 23:54

Marriage Counsellor : So tell me, why is it that you want to leave your husband?
Wife: Its all the Star Wars jokes he keeps making, I cannot stand them
Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Q: Who in Star Wars has the longest arms?
A: Hands So Low.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Dec 2015 22:46



Always keep a positive attitude!!!


Thursday night he gradually came to, stiff as a board and in pain, in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


He somehow managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"


NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!!!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 4 Sep 2015 13:23

The Magic Penis Story
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, “Well,
I don't know that i have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except this

Magic Penis!”
The husband said, “The what?”
The man repeated, “The Magic Penis,” and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband
laughed, and said, “It looks like just a normal dildo!”
The man then pointed to the door and said, “Magic Penis, my Door!”



The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, “Magic Penis, return to box!” and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said, "“Magic Penis, my vagina.”
The Penis shot to her crotch.. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck,.She couldn't remember how to turn it off .

so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the nearest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.


Gasping and twitching, the woman said, “I haven't had anything to drink officer.


You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop


screwing me.”

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, “Yeah right … Magic Penis, my arse!”


The rest, as they say, is history … …



As for no 3, I don't need a gun, a rolling pin conveys a very similar message.


The first one I would say is my thoughts entirely.

Not that I have done it lately but when I set up timing there was often sound similar to gunfire. It worked for me.


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 1 Aug 2015 19:24


A beautiful blonde busty woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."


"That s right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"



"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Jul 2015 20:12


On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.


In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
Bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'







That's when she shot him.







You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut!











Women are like phones:







They like to be held, talked to, and touched often



But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!


























Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 29 Mar 2015 09:47

A teacher's story about Stuttering.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," But before she could say 'F**k-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 23 Mar 2015 19:17


A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.


The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C.

Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..


The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'


Without a second thought, he takes off after her.


A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.


The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.


On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.


He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.


The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.


She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.


Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.


This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.


So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.


He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.


'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'


'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds


A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,


'If I catch you, you're mine.'


He lost 31kgs that week...

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 10 Jan 2015 20:24

A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop.


The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice.


The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "You’ll never beat that!"


The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "Watch and learn!"


He says to the baker "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!"


The baker gives him the biscuit which the Aussie promptly eats.


Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."


The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.


Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit."


The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.


The Australian eats this one too.


Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?"


The Australian says: "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket! "

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 7 Dec 2014 17:03




The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the Papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.


'Hold on a minute! ', said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, '...two million dollars...'

'TWO MILLION DOLLARS! ' replied the housekeeper,



'They must have seen you coming!





How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?



ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !



American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !



'Click'...Reload...



BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !




Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Dec 2014 09:52

A man went to confession.
Father. he confessed it's been one month since my last confession.

I had sex with Fanny Green twice recently.

The priest told the sinner. You are forgiven, go out and say three Hail Mary's.

Soon after a second man entered the confession box.

Father, I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.

This time the priest asked. Who is Fanny Green?

A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replied.

'Very well' sighed the priest. Go out and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver his sermon, a tall voluptuous red headed woman entered.

The eyes of every man in the congregation fell upon her as she sashayed up the aisle and

sat down in front of the priest. She wore a very short green dress and shiny green emerald shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as she sat with her legs slightly apart but just enough to realize

that she wasn't wearing underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered. Is that Fanny Green?

The altar boy couldn't believe his ears but calmly managed to reply.

No father, I think it's just a reflection off her shoes.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 29 Nov 2014 19:53

Goodbye Granddad

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
he never had a day off crook-gone before his time,
we found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
a startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.



The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
the Constable he had his say,'foul play'was not ruled out.
There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without a trace,
of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
no-one had a clue at all-the judge was in some doubt.
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'
'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
and they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil,
so they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials.
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles,
well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste,
And I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
so I moved the dunny over it-real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again-I'd never be 'caught short'.
The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
but I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night.
Now I reckon what has happened-poor Granddad didn't know,
the dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.
And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash,
well, he always used to hold his breath ...
until he heard the splash!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Nov 2014 23:31

Today I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time.

I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today.

I told him I was not paralysed.

Ten minutes later he came back and laid his hands on me again and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my bloody bike had been stolen.

meefy

meefy Report 21 Nov 2014 20:40

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones - but the people of Abu Dhabi do!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 20 Nov 2014 23:18


A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.

They got on famously and ended up in bed.

The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in

by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.


In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1.

It won by two lengths.


In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes..

He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.


In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.




He backed nothing.

After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.


'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'

meefy

meefy Report 19 Nov 2014 22:26

I used to have a recurring nightmare about fruit machines, my wife would always give me a nudge and hold me but that just made it worse.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 Nov 2014 20:58



One morning three women are putting on the fourth green at the club when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.







As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well, he's certainly not my husband."

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances down and says, "He's not my husband either."

He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as he runs by her. "Wait a minute", she says. "He's not even a club member!"

Graham

Graham Report 28 Sep 2014 12:07

A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife. One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side. "Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time." The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside. On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife. "Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?" "Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."