Quizzes and Games

Lifted from a Email........

A lady is suing her husbands' hospital, because after his latest round of treatment, he seems to have lost all interest in sex..........


an Opthamology spokesperson said,
We really cant put our finger on the cause for this,

all we did was correct his vision as he had defective eyesight...

Brilliant Bob!!

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.
In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his manhood sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arriss'.

Irish hospitality


“As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in Cork at my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of these claims. The Irishman swore every word was true, but they asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

THIS IS TOO CUTE!!




A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.



"Not yet," said the little boy.



His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.


He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? "he asks.

"Well" his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.


I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks their pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.



The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,



" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter....."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologist won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

Velcro - what a rip off !

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
I'm not a complete idiot.....some parts are just missing!

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some terrible language this week and feel terrible about it"...
"When did you use this terrible language?" asks the mother superior...
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"...
" Is that when you swore?"...

"No mother" said the Nun " After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away"...
"Is THAT when you swore?" the mother superior asked again...
"Well no" said the nun " You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away"...
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed mother superior...
"No not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws...it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball"
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the mother superior becoming impatient...
"No because the ball fell on a big rock...bounced over the sand trap...rolled on to the green and stopped six inches from the hole"...

The two nuns were silent for a minute...

Then the mother superior sighed and said " YOU MISSED THE 'KING PUTT...DIDN'T YOU?"

WOMEN'S BUM SIZE STUDY


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny..
.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

George

Just dug this up from years ago Yes i know i should have buried deeper:-D

got this, in a Email, as you do.......



60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous
evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”



--
Impossible only means you have not found the solution yet!

an aunt once went to the dentist with a raging toothache,

she happened to say, i dont know whats worse, having toothache or having a baby..........make up your mind says the dentist, i need to know what angle to set the chair!!!

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod . and how was your day?

That's what happens when old people start using technology!

pessimist says , we are only just over halfway there

optimist says its less than halfway to go

Masochist said "Beat Me! Beat Me!"

Sadist said: "NO!"

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

bought my friend a fridge for his birthday - you should have seen his face light up when he opened the door

Man aswered the door to the police - they had a photograph - "Is this your wife?" Yes, it is he replied. "Well it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I know the guy said, but she's great with the kids and she makes nice gravy"!!!

How you know if there is a bodhran player at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster

:-D

Got this'un in a Email, as you do.............



CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO ! BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU ! BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!