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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Graham

Graham Report 28 Sep 2014 12:04

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 7 Sep 2014 20:47


A suicide bomber blew himself up and went to his heaven, just as his mad mentor had promised.

When he arrived there, he met Allah, and he said to Allah that he was ready to claim the virgins, he was promised.

Out of curiosity he asked Allah “Why are there were so many virgins in heaven?"

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied: "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.

So you're here to service them.


Since they're virgins, they're quite Sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty.

And be warned, I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!"


The bomber responded: "Well, I guess I can live with that.

How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity ? ”





And Allah replied: "Who said they were women ?”






and on another note..........




Subject : a modern prayer

Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow Becomes a criminal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offence; it's a freedom scene..

The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all..

In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the State.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks...

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong..

We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles...

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take!

meefy

meefy Report 21 Aug 2014 20:06

I'm hoping to get a few people together to sing "Old MacDonald Had A Farm". Nothing definite yet, but they're making all the right noises.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 20 Aug 2014 09:37

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.

Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! ... You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.




link to alainas Women thread

http://www.genesreunited.co.uk/boards/board/general_chat/thread/846804

Mike *

Mike * Report 5 Jul 2014 18:54

:-D :-D :-D @ Bob

How does Moses make his tea ?
Hebrews it !

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Jul 2014 02:08

ploberly been on before.............

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at traffic lights,
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside
them.

"Hey, show us your tits, yer bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister
Immaculate,

"I don't think they know who we are, show them
your cross."

Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts,

"Toss off yer feckin' little wankers, before I come
over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculate looks back at Mother Superior,
quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

Mike *

Mike * Report 29 Jun 2014 22:42

What does a clock do when it's hungry ?
It goes back four seconds

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 29 Jun 2014 21:46

A Guy phoned into his boss that he cant come to work because of a blinding headache
Thats tough said the boss, tell you what, heres a tip, whenever I get a headache, I go and have a real rumpy pumpy session with my missus for an hour or so, Certainly clears mine up......... 2 hours later the boss gets another phone call, its the sick workman........

Bloody hell says he, that was brilliant, me headaches gorn completely now.........be in this after noon,



By the way, you got a smashing house........

Mike *

Mike * Report 28 Jun 2014 19:59

Jokes about German sausage are the Wurst

Mike *

Mike * Report 27 Jun 2014 18:58

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime !

Mike *

Mike * Report 26 Jun 2014 23:43

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Jun 2014 08:48

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it.
When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
"I'm an undertaker," responded the friend. "That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."
There is plenty of excitement in this racket, explained the friend. Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat..... You want to talk about excitement.

I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 Mar 2014 00:44


Very funny













An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a

source of water. It got so bad that even his camel died of thirst.

He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last

breath, when suddenly, he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him

He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that

he had a Manischewitz wine bottle.

It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he
unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie.


BUT this was no ordinary Genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic

Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzis.


'Vell kid,' said the genie, 'you know how it voiks. You got tree vishes.'

'I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. 'I'm not going to trust a

Jewish genie!'

'Vott you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!'

The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie

was right. 'Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink.'

* * * * * * * P O O F! * * * * * * * * *





The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever


seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?'

'My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

* * * * * * * P O O F !!* * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with

rare old coins and precious gems.

'Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Best you should make it

a good vone!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, 'I wish that

no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!'

* * * * * * * P O O F!!! * * * * * * * * *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's always

going to be a string attached.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Feb 2014 15:50



MY FIRST CONDOM

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, No, not really.

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. Just a minute, she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don't have much time.

So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that condom on? She asked. I said, sure did, and held up my thumb to show her.

That's when she beat the shit out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.....


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 15 Feb 2014 16:44

GOOD CATHOLIC JOKE


Two nuns are assigned to paint a room in the convent, with a warning
from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.


After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...


In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.


"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.


The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.


"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"




and in the playground............




Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 9 Feb 2014 20:37

Wonder if this escapes the anti-racist campaigner who didn't like the Irish story on the General thread today!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 9 Feb 2014 20:26

In the street of the thousand lanterns
The East of Limehouse Reach
Lived a bland Chinee, who loved the sea
For he was a son of the beach.

At his pub called the Thousand Bung-holes
He would serve up dope and hashish
To a motley group who drank hair-soup
That was flavoured with Chinese moustaches.

He'd a wife called Who-flung-poo-poo
And at night when he came home merry
She'd jump out of bed, sling pots at his head
While the neighbours cried, 'Stick it, Jerry.'

They were married in umpteen-what-not
But they had no children sweet
She was fifty and fat, he was fatter than that
So never the twain shall meet.

They'd a beautiful niece called Wong-Wong
And Wong-Wong was yellow alright
Her father had been a Royal Marine
But two wongs don't make a white.

She'd eyes like the stars of the orient
And lips like hot cherries... yes, Sir
And the Chinks round Limehouse basin said,
'Oh, we must have a basin of her.'

She'd serve out the drinks and dance to the Chinks
And sing them an Eastern Pow-wow
If the tiddley Chinks had too many drinks
They'd go out to see a man about a bow-wow.

To the Port of a thousand Stenches
Came a Chinese junk one day
They'd sailed all the way from Suckitan Bay
That's an island off Houndsditch Way.

They'd a cargo of Chinese crackers aboard
But the crew had been wining with Bacchus
The ship bumped the dock, the crew got a shock
And the Captain sat down on his crackers.

To the bar of a thousand ales
From the ship came a conjuring man
A Celanese, from over the seas
By the name of Hugh Pi Kan.

In the bar each night the Chinks he'd delight
And out of a Chinese caddy
He'd bring three rabbits, two bucks and a doe
And he'd ask them to find the lady.

He'd bring oranges out of his nostrils
And present them as souvenirs
He'd bring flowers and plants from out of his pants
And raspberries out of his ears.

Poor Wong-Wong fell for his magic
For Hugh Pi Kan's love she was burning
And Uncle Wun Lung and to Auntie Who-Flung
'Wong-Wong's going to take the wong turning.

When the bar was closed and Limehouse dozed
Uncle watched and Auntie kept nix
They saw the young man called Hugh Pi Kan
Showing Wong-Wong his box of tricks.

With a yell that awoke Limehouse
Wun Lung drew his snicker snee
He stabbed Wong-Wong in her em-bong-bong
And sliced Pi Kan's vertebrae.

Then he tied both their pigtails together
And the pair in the river he threw
As they floated away tied together
He sang, 'I'll string along with you.'

All is silent in Limehouse Causeway
There is nothing but peasoup fog
It's so thick you can't see the lampposts
That's tough luck on a limping dog.

And that is the story of Wong-Wong
For a floating corpse is she
With her conjuring man from Suckitan
Who sailed o'er the Suckitan Sea.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 9 Feb 2014 20:18

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sightfilled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 8 Feb 2014 19:38

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available



















Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Feb 2014 12:46

HOW MOSES GOT THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Africans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'


'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'


'Commandments?' they said,'How much are they?'


'They're free.'

'We'll take TEN.'

(This posting should upset just about everybody!!)