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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:21

In the Scottish Highlands, an impatient farmer knocked at the door of a neighbouring farmers house whose bulls he used from time to time to service his cows. The daughter of the house answered the door and the impatient farmer asked her if her father was in.
.
No said the daughter he's at the Inverness farmers market but if it's the services of the red Ayrshire bull you want, the cost is £50.

No it's not that said the neighbour.

Well said the daughter if it's the Galloway belted bull you want, it's £40.

No, it's not that. said the neighbour.

How about the small Highland bull said the daughter the service of that bull is only £30.

The neighbour rudely interrupted the daughter and said that's not what I've come about, your brother Sandy has made my daughter Fiona pregnant and my wife and I want to know what your father proposes to do about it.

Oh, well said the daughter, you'll have to see my father yourself as I don't know what he charges for Sandy.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:20

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 27 Aug 2013 01:20

rofl @ Bob


Well done!

:-D :-D :-D :-D ;-)

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:19

Just for you Scozz

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:19

Three Scotswomen, all neighbors, are walking home at night and find a Scotsman passed out partially under a wagon. His upper body is under the wagon, and they can't see who it is. However, they would like to help him get home.

The first woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband."

The second woman looks under his kilt and says "That's not my husband, either."

The third woman looks under his kilt and says "Well, he's definitely not from this village

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:18

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Now, he must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt... and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been lad... but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:18

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:17

Big Angus kept pestering Wee Mary to go out with him.

Come oan Lassie, go out with me!

Oh no Big Angus, you have a bad reputation with the lassies.

Months and months, Big Angus kept asking.

Eventually, Big Angus asked Wee Mary... "come on lass, come to the pictures with me"

OK Big Angus, but you have to behave!

They enjoyed the pictures, and Big Angus behaved himself.

On the way home Big Angus kept asking... "How about a wee cuddle Wee Mary?"

No Big Angus, you have a bad reputation, and I'm a good girl.

Big Angus was very persistent, and Wee Mary gave him a wee cuddle.

A few minutes later "How about a kiss Wee Mary?"

Oh No Big Angus, you have a bad reputation, and I'm a good girl.

Never one to give up, Big Angus persisted, and he got his wee kiss.

Then......... "Wee Mary..... will you put your hand up my kilt?"

"OH NO Angus, I won't! You have a terrible reputation and I'm a good girl"

Ofcourse Big Angus persisted............. and Wee Mary put her hand up his kilt!

"OH ANGUS! It's gruesome!"

"Do it again Wee Mary, it gruesomemore!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:16

3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing.. A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand"

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

MUM FAINTED !!!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:15

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a rat's A*s anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:15

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?

A: When you take it off you wonder where your t*ts went.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:14

THE COST OF PREGNANCY

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he
paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to
Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was
born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a
postcard, and

Write “Spaghetti” on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to
begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his
confused wife.

“Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange postcard
today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he
said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:14

Politically Incorrect Joke of the Day.

What do you call the first Refugee off the boat?
Amhere.

What do you call the second Refugee off the boat?
Amhere Azwell.

What do you call the third Refugee off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:13

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.



He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.

It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.



I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.


His funeral is this Thursday.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:12

"Do you and Mummy have sexual relations, Daddy?"

"Er, yes son, we do"

"Then why don't we ever visit them?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:12

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Harry: “9?
Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Harry: “36?
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principals' eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong…”

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:11

Paddy's wife says to him, Paddy we've been married along time, you're good looking and I think you've slept with a lot of women, I won't be mad but I would like to know how many, if any, you have slept with.

Paddy says to his wife, my lovely lass you should know I've never slept with any woman but you my lovely - with all the rest I was awake

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:10

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar £50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one chap brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away,every bit as good as Jimi Hendrix. The man took £50 from the chap who was gobsmacked.

Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another £50 from the chap with the trumpet who then left in a "taxi" shaking his head.

Then a Scotsman said I bet he cannae play these and produced a fine set of bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

The Scotsman said ' I knew it, so you can't play these fine bagpipes I believe £50 is mine?"

"Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna make love to her as soon as I figure out how to get her pyjamas off."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:09

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little toerag, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:09

Women. We are all unique

Three phases of a woman’s life:

1. Upsets her father.
2. Irritates her husband.
3. Drives her son-in-law crazy.