Quizzes and Games

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Traffic warden's coffin was being lowered into the grave, vicar doing his bit when voice from the coffin shouted "Let me out, I'm alive" to which the vicar replied "Sorry, the paper work has been done now

A guy is driving across the desert, in the states a couple of miles an hour over the speed limit, nothing else on the road for miles........
as he passes a advertising hoarding a police cruiser pulls out and signals him to stop.
the cop says , where are you going in such a hurry?

I'm.so sorry says the guy, but i was miles away, i am on my way to a lecture, and I'm a bit late..........................

what lecture is that says the cop....writing out a ticket......

well i am a rectum stretcher, says the guy, i am a doctor.

how does that work then says the cop?as he is writing...

well says the doc, i take this normal rectum. and with some oils and care I work it till I get two fingers in, then my whole hand, and then two hands, and gradually i get it till its about six feet wide.

wow says the cop, that six foot rectum, thats some asshole...........what happens then?

well says the doc, theres a team of us, and when we get about twenty of em, we send them off to the county state government,and after about two years, they are ready.........
ready for what? says the cop...............well says the doc, mostly after they graduate, they are given a gun, a patrol car and a speed gun, and then get sent out into the desert, to catch unsuspecting drivers that stray a couple of miles an hour over the speed limits.............

Bob

How about 1 sentenance Jokes ....

What goes down but not up ? RAIN.

Corny, I know, but at least it's short and sweet !!

Subject: Fw: Robot Lie Detector


Father buys a lie detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.

Father asked the son, "Where were you last night?"

Son replies, "I was at the library".

The robot slaps the son. "OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says.

"What movie" the father says?

"Toy story", Robot slaps the son, "OK it was porn" cried the son.

Father yells, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was."

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."

Robot slaps the mother.

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street


He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'
she said with a Wispa.


'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise
for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made
her Ripple.


He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.


Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett
and he had Allsorts!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it to her for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It costs just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it real slow."

lol Ann - I emailed it to an ex priest !

A man and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slammed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push”
"Did you help him?"
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring!"
"Well, you have a short memory. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pouring rain. He called out into the dark...............................
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please!"
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing!"

now even a nun could read that and not get offended!!!

I copied Ann's joke and sent it to a friend of mine who would really appreciate it................. so here it is again............... if the ROTTEN RATBAG RR's this I'll kick and scream until something is done about him/her

Ann put her joke back on this board, so no point in having it twice, so I will delete it....

Good to know the phantom has been dealt with


:-D

here's one worth zapping then


There was a young lady from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was small, hardly anything at all
But the other was large and won prizes

boom boom!!

and that was so mild - it's been on here for over a year!!!

so the phantom reporter has not dropped dead as we all hoped!! how sad

I see AnnCardiff's original message 14th February has been RRd!

why? Keith...............

while many jokes may be old hat to some, there are lots of folks that they are new, to......

I think jokes should be given a time limit as to how long they stay on the board.

Keith

A new phenomenon called

E-MOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Subject: FW: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA , .
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:18:47 +0000

Subject:* FW: Fw: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA

*These are his --- brilliant! (Tommy Cooper)
*
1*. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

*2*. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key.'

3*. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4*. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I
couldn't find any.

*5*. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him
in.

6.* A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've
cut off your hands'.

7*. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8*. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the
craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

9.* Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10* Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11*. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'

12.* A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm
going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy

13*. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't *you* start.'

14*. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15*. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

16.* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5
people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu--- but I think it's Colin.

17.* Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18*. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19.* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'

*20* . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

Since you started on the one-liners




You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the

packet 'Best Before End'



So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said

"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a

kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't

care what star sign it is."



I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of

lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't

remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and

I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke

just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a

tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel

a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece

of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone

for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full

of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,

"Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you

an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can

I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not

stopping you!"



So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and

he says "Audi!"



So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,

"Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I

went "Moo" He said "You're closest"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing

Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.





I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. You

couldn't swing a cat in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while

balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged

with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach

me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can

I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not

your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He

said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"