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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:08



Q: What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist ?


A: A genealogist looks up your family tree. A gynaecologist looks up your family bush.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:08

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?


A: Snowballs.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:07

A woman was involved in a serious car crash and there's blood everywhere.

The paramedics & fire brigade arrive and they gently ease the woman out of the car and lie her flat on the ground.

One of the paramedics says to the woman I'm going to do some tests to check your reflexes.

The woman says - OK.

The paramedic says to the woman - how many fingers am I putting up.

The woman says - Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:06

A woman walks into the local dry cleaners and she places a garment on the counter.

I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress she says.

Come again? - says the dry cleaner, cupping his ear.

No she replies - this time it's mayonnaise.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:05

A woman goes to the council to register for child benefit.

How many children do you have asks the council worker.

10 replies the woman.

What are their names asks the council worker.

Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne replies the woman.

Doesn't that get confusing asks the council worker.

Naah says the woman its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout Wayne yer dinners ready or Wayne time for bed and they all come in.

What if you want to speak to one of them individually says the confused council worker.

That's easy, says the woman I just use their surnames

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:05

A Chinese man saw Steven Spielberg in hotel Ambassador, as he was a fan of Steven, he asked for his autograph. Instead, Steven gave the man a slap and said

"You bombed our Pearl Harbor.”

Heart broken, the Chinese man said, “it was the Japanese, not us.”

Steven said, “Japanese, Chinese, Bhutanese, your all the same.”

Angry, the Chinese slapped Steven and said, “You sank the Titanic, my fore fathers were in the ship.”

Surprised, Steven replied, “It was not me, it was the iceberg.” The Chinese said, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Karlsberg, your all the same.”

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:04

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:03

The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his pants and throw them at her.

He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your pants."

"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!"

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies, "I can't get into your panties!"

"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:03

One night a couple was lying in bed. The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:02

Assorted musings.......

Why are men like floortiles?
If you lay them properly you can walk on them forever.

How can you tell if a man is thinking about sex?
He's breathing

How can you tell if a man is lying?
His lips are moving.

Why are men like bottles?
They're all empty from the neck up.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose? Foreplay.

What is a husband?
Its an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves put up.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.

What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs while you vacuum.

How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head

What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack of beer

How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!

How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) 1 - men will screw just about anything
B) 5 - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it

Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by

What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares???

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

If men got pregnant.... Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.


What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Why can't women park cars?
Because men tell them this || is six inches.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
long it'll stay.

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:01

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......

Back and forth.....

Back and forth.....

In and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding.....

Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, and then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,


"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug ba***rd!!!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 01:00

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table.

The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes- ever since we had an efficiency expert in, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table, so by carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal and as he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do, the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room, so the other end of that string is tied to my manhood. When I need a pee, I simply pull the string, do the business and return to work, having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands, saves a lot of time."

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get it back in your pants?"





Well said the waiter, I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 00:59

A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small manhood.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes - that should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the little boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "Are these all for me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 00:58

My son is a lawyer advocate and has a fantastic sense of humour I know these would make him smile

Ignorance of the law excuses no man from practising it.

A Lawyer is a person who prepares a 50,000-word document and calls it a brief.

The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.

The man who said "talk is cheap" never hired a lawyer.

Judge: What is your name?
Witness: Anthony Laurence
Judge: Are your married?
Witness: Of course!
Judge: Whom did you marry?
Witness: What else? A woman.
Judge: Mr. Laurence didn't you ever hear of anyone marrying anybody but a woman?
Witness: You said it. Mine sister, she married a man.

Judge Smith was about to sentence a sixty-year-old prisoner:
Smith:I hereby sentence you to thirty years.
Prisoner: (sobbing) Your Honour, I won't live long enough to serve the sentence.
Smith: It's all right. Just do what you can.

Defendant: it is difficult to see how I can be a forger. Why, I can't sign my own name.
Judge: You are not charged with signing your own name.

Fitzgerald was sitting beside the deathbed of his lawyer, The attorney knew he was doomed and said, with a sigh, "Dear friend, I've a confession to make. A year ago I robbed you of £250,000 in your firm's merger deal, and I also put your firm's control in my possession. I talked your wife into divorcing you and …."It's all right, old friend," said Fitzgerald .... "I poisoned you."

First Lawyer: Possession is 9/10 of the law.
Second Lawyer: Tried any drug cases lately?

Better to be a mouse in the mouth of a cat, than a man in the hands of a lawyer. - Spanish Proverb

Carter was a little concerned about his pending court case. He asked his lawyer, "How should I plead?"
"On your knees," said the Lawyer

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Patsy, an elderly prostitute, stood before the newly elected Judge Cortland. Her appeal for leniency was so convincing that Cortland had doubts about sentencing her. He called a short recess, then went to the chambers of an older judge. "Say, Butler," he asked, "what would you give a sixty-year-old prostitute?" "Oh," said his learned friend, "no more than £6.00 "

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 00:57

A man to his wife on their wedding night, " Let's have adventurous sex. How about the wheelbarrow position ?"

The wife says " Ok, but promise we won't go past my mum's house."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Aug 2013 00:57

Paddy is having a drink with a woman in a bar and the woman notices
something strange about the wellies Paddy is wearing.

She says, excuse me Paddy, I aint being funny but why does one
of your wellies have an L on it and the other one have an R on
it.

Paddy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
well, I'm a little bit thick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
right foot and the one with the L is for me left foot.

Cor Blimey, exclaims the woman - so that's why my knickers have got
C&A on them.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:36

In an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a preacher and he had a large congregation.

One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumours!"

The congregation were silent as the preacher said, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of some secret society whose members hide their identity by wearing a hooded cloak.'

This, of course, is not true so I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologise now - right here - before my congregation of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and said, "preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be...........




I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:36

Mom was getting on in years and was having some difficulty looking after herself so it was decided that she should go into a care home. Her son and daughter in law loved her dearly so they visited quite a few homes before they found one that they thought might be suitable. To make absolutely sure they arranged for the old lady to stay there for a few days as a trial before the final decision was taken.

The home staff made a great fuss of the old lady when she arrived. They allocated her a pleasant bedroom overlooking the rear gardens, the room had an en-suite and was well furnished with a television. Next morning they brought her a cup of tea in bed and helped her to dress. Then they escorted her to the dining room where they laid on a wonderful breakfast comprising OJ, Cereal, Egg and Bacon, Toast, Marmalade with a choice of tea or coffee.

After she had eaten her fill they took her into the lounge and found her a seat by the window overlooking the road so that she could watch the comings and goings of the neighbourhood. After a while a staff member suddenly noticed the old lady leaning sharply to the left and fearing that the old lady might fall off her chair and injure herself the staff member rushed over and put her back into an upright position. A few minutes later another member of staff observed similar except that this time the old lady was leaning to the right. The second carer did as her colleague had done and restored the old lady to the vertical once more.

Anxious to discover whether she was pleased with their choice of care home for her, the son and D-I-L came to visit her.

"What do you think of the home Mom, do you think that you would be happy living here?" her son asked.

"The home is great, my bedroom is perfect as indeed are all the facilities, the food is excellent but I don't think that I could live here."

"Why is that Mom?" her son enquired.

"The staff won't let you fart," %3B-%29

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:35

A young couple married, and celebrated their first night together doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

In the morning, the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he gets out of the shower so he asks his bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his whole body for the first time in daylight to his bride. Her eyes went up and down his torso and they stopped at his groin.

The bride asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy. The groom, also being shy, thought for a minute and said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:34

A couple after their marriage decided to spend a few days of their honeymoon in London.

When they arrive in London they book into a hotel for 2 days and spend them in their room, when they check out the receptionist tells them that the hotel would like to pay them £1,000 for spending their honeymoon there. The couple were surprised, said thank you, took the money and left the hotel.

The couple then thought, let's try another hotel, so the checked into the hotel next door to the first hotel. They check in for 2 days and spend them in their room and when they check out the receptionist tells them that the hotel would like to pay them £2,000 for spending their honeymoon at the hotel. The couple said thank you, took the money and left the hotel.

Once outside they decided to go back to the first hotel and tell them how much the second hotel had given to them for spending their honeymoon there.

The couple asked to speak to the manager and when the manager appeared they said to the him "you only gave us £1,000 for spending our honeymoon at your hotel while the hotel next to yours gave us £2,000- so why the difference"

The manager replied "Sir we only make video cassettes but the hotel next door show it live"