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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:32

I've seen three versions of this joke, the other two were..........Are you a REAL cowboy, long description of his life as a cowboy........

and a writer sat at a bar............Are you a REAL Author?

relates his writing career


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,

Are you a real pilot?


He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat there sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked,

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:28

A Girls First Time

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty - Excuse me, what were you thinking

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:28

An elderly couple were driving cross-country, and the old woman, who had hearing problems, was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The old woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The old woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The old woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst night of passion with a woman that I have ever had."

The old woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:26

If My Old Body Were a Car

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull...

And even worse................

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the good weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But there's worse............




Because every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,
Either My Radiator Leaks or My Exhaust Backfires

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:25

NAG NAG NAG!!!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news..

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:24

Paddy & Murphy were farmers, they'd been friends & neighbours for years.

One day Paddy went over to Murphy's farm, couldn't find him........ wandered about, then heard raunchy music coming from the barn.

There was Murphy, stripped down to his underwear, dancing like he was the star in "The Full Monty", surrounded by all the farm equipment.

"Murphy, what are you doing?"

"Well.... Bridget and I have been married a long time, our love life isn't what it used to be"

"That happens to all of us. But why are you dancing in the barn?"

"I went to see a therapist, he said I should so something sexy to attract her"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:23

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your left side is a sharp drop off.

And on your right side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:22

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite ... all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:21

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The pet shop owner shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the pet shop owner, "It used to live in a house of ill repute and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up,

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "Oh goody, a new house of ill repute and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a house of ill repute," scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Unbelievable squawks the parrot. A new house of ill repute, a new madam, and now two new ladies of the night," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not ladies of the night" complain the girls but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"This is Incredible squawks the parrot, a house of ill repute, a new madam, two new ladies of the night, but some things never change as I see we've still got the same old clients..........................






How ya doin', Dave?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:20

House of ill repute.

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill..

There were four men .......

One was walking briskly up the hill;
One was inside the brothel;
One was walking slowly down the hill and
The fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.




What were the nationalities of the four men?




* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finnish


Now wait for it ....
Ya gonna love this ...................................................



* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:19

A young guy having just met his blind date in the pub bought her a drink and as they were sitting there, some jive music came on the jukebox.

She said, "There is something about the jive I find sexy."

So, to impress her, he waved his arms about doing the hand jive.

She started moaning that she was getting all wet.

He said, "that's good I must be turning you on?".....................




"NO" She said "you still have your bloody pint in your hand."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:18

An 18 year-old girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl and tells them:
that their daughter has informed him of the problem.

However he says, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take care of her and the baby.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a town house,
a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account,

If she gives birth to twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However the man says, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says to him......................




"You'll sleep with her again!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:16

A guy asked a girl in a crowded university library: "Do you mind if I
sit beside you?"

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was
truly embarrassed and found another table to sit at.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly over to the guy's
table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is
thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$200 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy
whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:16

The Old Sailor & the prostitute.

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:15

Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe the shop assistant to finish serving a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

Joe replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had sent her to buy.

Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge, and from the backroom Joe yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

To which Mary Louise replied.....................





"No, but for the teapot...........

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:14

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. They were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use.

Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.

“That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”




He asked the second girl what system she planned on using.

“I plan on using birth control pills” she said.

Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.





He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using.

Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”

After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.





They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant. Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong.

She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'





He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”





He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”





She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.





Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers




I kick the bucket out,from under him

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:12

Story told by a woman:

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a
personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys.

They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed
nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is
that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory
was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but
then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen
your car."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:11

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside? she asked.

The therapist told her - the only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,and she came across a young scruffy guy with the biggest pair of trainers on his feet that she had ever laid her eyes on.

She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment and promised him she would pay him $500 if he could satisfy her.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had gone, but on the bedside table was $50 not the $500 he was promised.

The note read.....................................





With my compliments, $50 should be enough for you to buy a pair of trainers that actually fit your feet

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:10

You've probably heard this one before, but............;
MY Garmin - For those who have or don't have a GPS(Tom Tom)in their car - PRICELESS



I have a little Garmin
It sits there in my car
A Garmin is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Garmin
I've had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Garmin is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:09

Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked
her husband.

"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage covered by a
soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked
her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and said there is more.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Never" ...he said (breathing even quicker now as he was becoming very excited at the thought of what she would do next).

She gave him another sexy little smile and leaned forward and whispered in his ear ............................



"Well I had a problem while I was driving back from town after doing the shopping - so I suggest you open the garage and take a look at our car"