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The British Newspaper Archive

British Newspaper Archive

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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:08

The American Indian was showing his new born child to the moon,, and one of his other children was watching, and asked "father , is it true that a new child is named by the first things that you see after showing the child to the moon?" "yes my son, your sister was named after the rising sun, and your brother by the sound of the Howling coyote..........."
Ah! says the lad.............that must be why I am known as "Copulating Two Dogs"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:07

The teenage granddaughter came downstairs wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she went.

The next day the teenager came downstairs, and the grandmother was sitting there with no top on. The teenager wanted to die! She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

The grandmother said, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:06

Apologies to anyone named Valerie,

or Glaswegians...

THE GLASGOW BROTHEL

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5
000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand
pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,
the man calmly left..


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a
row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was
still £5 000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.


The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh .."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
was instructed to deliver your £15 000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:05

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors' male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.


However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice.

After having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:04

A traditional Irish wedding took place just outside Dublin in Ireland. True to tradition everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all the members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the witness stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional at an Irish wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing with the bride to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing with the bride to the third song...when all of a sudden the Groom leaps over the table, ran towards me and the bride and unmerciful kicked me in my groin."

The Judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy says to the Judge "it definitely hurt, after all he did......................












break three of the brides fingers"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:03

A man went on holiday to a beautiful Pacific Island resort.

Unfortunately, he fell asleep on the beach and was badly sunburned.
The sunburn was so bad, he was taken to hospital

The doctor examined him, advised him to drink lots of fluids, and that he would prescribe V!agra.

The man asked "Does V!agra help sunburn?"

The doc replied "No, but it will help keep the sheet off you"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:02

A guy met this woman in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?".

Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good because I am not that kind of girl."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says "Oh, that's different......................
















I'll go up to the bedroom so send her up.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Aug 2013 19:01

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome,
people with that condition walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome as he walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help But notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think it might be."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought it was Peltry Syndrome - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought it was Zovitzki Syndrome- but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"...................









The old man said, "I thought I had let some wind rip - but I was wrong, too!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 2 Jul 2013 19:22

Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a bloody good ting we didn't use WD-40.


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 21 Jun 2013 13:45

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,

"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or ..
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,

"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here."



A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,

"Come on kid.

Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 11 Jun 2013 10:01


Blonde Dyes Hair Brown !

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?

Mike *

Mike * Report 26 May 2013 14:52

Nick Clegg

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 May 2013 00:05

Irene turned up for the fancy dress ball.....stark naked!!
the doorman refused her entry saying,
you cant come in like that you havent a costume!!
you have have a theme or something...........
so she borrowed a pair of black gloves and a pair of black shoes, and said.............thats it then.........i'm the five of spades!!

Greenfingers

Greenfingers Report 25 May 2013 19:39

A slinky is literally a coil toy that when put on stairs makes its way down

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 22 May 2013 11:49

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS


Edit: I don't think I know what a slinky is

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 May 2013 22:44

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.


Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.


She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, I am older and wiser; and looking for a girl with big tits.

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 8 May 2013 15:19

· Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
>
> · Murphy is doing some roofing work for Paddy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Paddy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Paddy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Murphy replies "No I only live round the corner."
>
> • After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
>

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 1 May 2013 21:28

> Short but sweet Australian humour
>
> A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin
> brandishing a revolver yelling,
>
> "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
>
> A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
>
> "You don't have enough ammo mate!!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 28 Apr 2013 10:21

THE SCOTTISH COW.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,

the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,

the cow would move away from the bull,

and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:


"My wife is from Scotland"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 Apr 2013 23:09

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory in Ontario had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment - they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the Nova Scotian kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

Have a wonderful day!