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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 2 Oct 2012 09:13

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

Velcro - what a rip off !

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
Blessed are the cracked for they let in the light.
I'm not a complete idiot.....some parts are just missing!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 25 Sep 2012 19:26

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some terrible language this week and feel terrible about it"...
"When did you use this terrible language?" asks the mother superior...
"Well I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going only about 100 yards"...
" Is that when you swore?"...

"No mother" said the Nun " After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away"...
"Is THAT when you swore?" the mother superior asked again...
"Well no" said the nun " You see as the squirrel was running an eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away"...
"IS THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed mother superior...
"No not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws...it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball"
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the mother superior becoming impatient...
"No because the ball fell on a big rock...bounced over the sand trap...rolled on to the green and stopped six inches from the hole"...

The two nuns were silent for a minute...

Then the mother superior sighed and said " YOU MISSED THE 'KING PUTT...DIDN'T YOU?"

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 7 Sep 2012 19:30

WOMEN'S BUM SIZE STUDY


There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny..
.

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

George

Just dug this up from years ago Yes i know i should have buried deeper:-D

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 Sep 2012 10:56

got this, in a Email, as you do.......



60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous
evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”



--
Impossible only means you have not found the solution yet!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 29 Jun 2012 00:22

an aunt once went to the dentist with a raging toothache,

she happened to say, i dont know whats worse, having toothache or having a baby..........make up your mind says the dentist, i need to know what angle to set the chair!!!


AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 27 Jun 2012 12:40

I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.

The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod . and how was your day?

That's what happens when old people start using technology!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 11 Jun 2012 00:45

pessimist says , we are only just over halfway there

optimist says its less than halfway to go

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 10 Jun 2012 05:58

Masochist said "Beat Me! Beat Me!"

Sadist said: "NO!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Jun 2012 22:04

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Jun 2012 22:02

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 3 Jun 2012 16:50

bought my friend a fridge for his birthday - you should have seen his face light up when he opened the door

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 3 Jun 2012 15:34

Man aswered the door to the police - they had a photograph - "Is this your wife?" Yes, it is he replied. "Well it looks like she's been hit by a bus" I know the guy said, but she's great with the kids and she makes nice gravy"!!!

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 21 May 2012 13:33

How you know if there is a bodhran player at your door?

The knocking gets faster and faster

:-D

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 May 2012 19:44

Got this'un in a Email, as you do.............



CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ENERGY AUSTRALIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO ! BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...............

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU ! BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 May 2012 17:33



Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila











AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 2 May 2012 13:08

Traffic warden's coffin was being lowered into the grave, vicar doing his bit when voice from the coffin shouted "Let me out, I'm alive" to which the vicar replied "Sorry, the paper work has been done now

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 Apr 2012 23:39

A guy is driving across the desert, in the states a couple of miles an hour over the speed limit, nothing else on the road for miles........
as he passes a advertising hoarding a police cruiser pulls out and signals him to stop.
the cop says , where are you going in such a hurry?

I'm.so sorry says the guy, but i was miles away, i am on my way to a lecture, and I'm a bit late..........................

what lecture is that says the cop....writing out a ticket......

well i am a rectum stretcher, says the guy, i am a doctor.

how does that work then says the cop?as he is writing...

well says the doc, i take this normal rectum. and with some oils and care I work it till I get two fingers in, then my whole hand, and then two hands, and gradually i get it till its about six feet wide.

wow says the cop, that six foot rectum, thats some asshole...........what happens then?

well says the doc, theres a team of us, and when we get about twenty of em, we send them off to the county state government,and after about two years, they are ready.........
ready for what? says the cop...............well says the doc, mostly after they graduate, they are given a gun, a patrol car and a speed gun, and then get sent out into the desert, to catch unsuspecting drivers that stray a couple of miles an hour over the speed limits.............

Bob

Julie

Julie Report 17 Apr 2012 06:09

How about 1 sentenance Jokes ....

What goes down but not up ? RAIN.

Corny, I know, but at least it's short and sweet !!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 25 Mar 2012 19:18

Subject: Fw: Robot Lie Detector


Father buys a lie detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at supper table.

Father asked the son, "Where were you last night?"

Son replies, "I was at the library".

The robot slaps the son. "OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie" the son says.

"What movie" the father says?

"Toy story", Robot slaps the son, "OK it was porn" cried the son.

Father yells, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was."

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son."

Robot slaps the mother.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 20 Mar 2012 22:59

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street


He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole'
she said with a Wispa.


'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise
for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made
her Ripple.


He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.


Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett
and he had Allsorts!