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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

Page 7 + 1 of 14

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 01:06

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their chequebook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it to her for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It costs just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it real slow."

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 00:05

lol Ann - I emailed it to an ex priest !

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 19 Mar 2012 00:04

A man and his wife were woken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud banging on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked for a push.
"Not a chance," said the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slammed the door and returned to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push”
"Did you help him?"
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring!"
"Well, you have a short memory. Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man did as he was told, got dressed, and went out into the pouring rain. He called out into the dark...............................
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," came back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes, please!"
"Where are you?"
"Over here on the swing!"

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:52

now even a nun could read that and not get offended!!!

LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 18 Mar 2012 23:50

I copied Ann's joke and sent it to a friend of mine who would really appreciate it................. so here it is again............... if the ROTTEN RATBAG RR's this I'll kick and scream until something is done about him/her

Ann put her joke back on this board, so no point in having it twice, so I will delete it....

Good to know the phantom has been dealt with


:-D

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:29

here's one worth zapping then


There was a young lady from Devizes
Whose breasts were of different sizes
One was small, hardly anything at all
But the other was large and won prizes

boom boom!!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Mar 2012 23:28

and that was so mild - it's been on here for over a year!!!

so the phantom reporter has not dropped dead as we all hoped!! how sad

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 18 Mar 2012 23:24

I see AnnCardiff's original message 14th February has been RRd!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Mar 2012 20:07

why? Keith...............

while many jokes may be old hat to some, there are lots of folks that they are new, to......

Keith

Keith Report 18 Mar 2012 14:35

I think jokes should be given a time limit as to how long they stay on the board.

Keith

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 17 Mar 2012 01:38

A new phenomenon called

E-MOONING

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) an ass hole


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass



LadyScozz

LadyScozz Report 13 Mar 2012 09:24

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 24 Feb 2012 19:25

Subject: FW: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA , .
Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2012 15:18:47 +0000

Subject:* FW: Fw: JUST LIKE THAT ! - NOSTALGIA

*These are his --- brilliant! (Tommy Cooper)
*
1*. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them
would have seen it.

*2*. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press
the hash key.'

3*. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4*. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I
couldn't find any.

*5*. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him
in.

6.* A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've
cut off your hands'.

7*. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8*. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the
craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it.

9.* Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10* Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11*. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'

12.* A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog
and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm
going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy

13*. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't *you* start.'

14*. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15*. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

16.* Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5
people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu--- but I think it's Colin.

17.* Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The
second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18*. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19.* 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice.'

*20* . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'




Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 24 Feb 2012 19:14



Since you started on the one-liners




You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.



I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the

packet 'Best Before End'



So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said

"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."



I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a

kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't

care what star sign it is."



I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.



My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of

lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't

remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and

I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke

just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a

tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel

a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece

of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone

for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full

of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said,

"Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you

an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can

I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not

stopping you!"



So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and

he says "Audi!"



So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said,

"Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I

went "Moo" He said "You're closest"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing

Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.





I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. You

couldn't swing a cat in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while

balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged

with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach

me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can

I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not

your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He

said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

GinaS

GinaS Report 21 Feb 2012 08:10


Some places I've visited ---

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work. I live close so it's a short drive.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favourite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the
stimuli I can get!
And, sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not.
People keep telling me I'm in Denial but I'm positive I've never been there
before!

I have been in Deepshit many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get
there. I actually kind of enjoy it there.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Feb 2012 21:11

SUBJECT: The Pastor

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday,he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...


I love it when I make you smile...and I KNOW you are smiling!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 16 Feb 2012 14:53

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . .

My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began
To take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - and I was in the wrong
One.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco
______________________________________

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
Slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle , WA
__________________________________

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
Husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a 'massive internal fart. '

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
___________________________________

4. During a patient ' s two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
Out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new
One.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA
______________________________________
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR
_______________________________________________
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
On a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very
Good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,
___________________________________________
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . . It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the
Operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing,
Which said ' Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,
_______________________________________________

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

___________________________________________________________

One More


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!
_______________________________


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
Little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came

Persephone

Persephone Report 15 Feb 2012 04:34

GOOD
A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting
many..
Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign
reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
radar post in the Manawatu (NZ) with a Fine of $160 included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
Policemen's Ball.'
He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'
There was a moment of silence while she just smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Feb 2012 20:42

LOL Ann you must get the same mail that i get?!!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 8 Feb 2012 16:53

with snow on the forecast we are encouraged to travel with a can full of petrol, a torch, a spade, a warm blanket, some food, salt and a mobile phone. Well to be honest I felt a right twit on the bus this morning!!!