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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

Page 8 + 1 of 14

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 6 Feb 2012 00:20

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar..He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,really hard on the top of its head

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it -




Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

GinaS

GinaS Report 3 Feb 2012 22:43


WHY?




Why do American supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?




Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.



Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.



EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?



Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?



Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?







Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 2 Feb 2012 10:11

there was an audio version of that...........hilarious!!!

was rendered as an after dinner speech!

GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 10:04

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....... Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional informationin Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the emptybarrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry

GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 09:43




ouch!

9 months later!!!






Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about nine months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?.. you know you smiled... now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)


GinaS

GinaS Report 2 Feb 2012 09:27


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?





If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?



If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
(I have wondered this for years!!!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together,
it spells 'THEIRS'?

GinaS

GinaS Report 25 Jan 2012 09:11



The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH :

Please enjoy and understand the following


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE
TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE
SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


GinaS

GinaS Report 23 Jan 2012 10:49

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)







"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 22 Jan 2012 20:05

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a famous Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!! It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Greenfingers

Greenfingers Report 21 Jan 2012 19:30

Very good Gina

can I add one ?

CUCS......Can't Understand Computer Speak

and sorry one for the men

WAMG.....Where are my glasses ?

My OH would use that a lot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GinaS

GinaS Report 20 Jan 2012 18:06

Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.).
I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have
all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:

* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 16 Jan 2012 14:53

just (HAD) to slip this one in..........

dr's visit...




During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level,
and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped
from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky
hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of a muddy marsh,
climbed underneath several evergreen trees and jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be some outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a sh***ty golfer.

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 6 Jan 2012 19:31

Subject: A German Tourist


Han's, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Han's. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Han's and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.













Han's leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"


George

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 31 Dec 2011 01:17

Anne

not the one from Glos or Green Gables

stood up in the local pub, and said it was time to get ready for the stroke of midnight to signal the start of the New Year...

She said that it would be nice if all the husbands stood next to the one person that had made their life enjoyable and worth living.

as the clock struck.........12

the bartender was almost crushed to death

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 21 Dec 2011 18:47

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three wise women instead of three wise men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped to deliver the baby, cleaned the stable,made a casserole, brought practical gifts AND there would be peace on earth.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 13 Dec 2011 13:52

Paddy sent his wife a text - it read "I'm in the pub having a drink, I'll be home in twenty minutes"

"if I'm not home in twenty minutes please read the text again"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 24 Nov 2011 14:42

another one, unashamedly borrowed from an Email

Aye koodnee resist!!!


Scottish Romance
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently.
Finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... Perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


Bob

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Nov 2011 23:15

Softly I called her to me, and she settled beside me, I caressed the back of her neck, but she realised that I had intentions in mind and she struggled for a moment, as I held her firmly. the deed was done and she wimpered a little and then relaxed as I released her from my grasp and she slid from my side..........................at last, this months dose of frontline was done........

Kicks

Kicks Report 8 Nov 2011 22:50

Love Story



I will seek and find you......


I shall take you to bed and have my way with you...


I will make you ache,shake and sweat until you moan and groan...


I will make you beg, ...


I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you ...


And.when I am finished, you will be weak for days.


All my love ,







The Flu,

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 7 Nov 2011 17:54

The Elderly Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin, and very proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma, but finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:










"RETURNED UNOPENED"





George