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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 2 Nov 2011 21:49

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'






********************************************



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.




*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'



***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 21 Oct 2011 14:01

Murphy - "Christmas Day is on a Friday this year"

Paddy - "Crumbs, I hope it's not the 13th"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 21 Oct 2011 11:13

LOL george very droll!!

but good....
Bob

Me n the wife are going on a round the world cruise..........she's going east- west, and I'm going west-east, and we'll wave as we pass each other!!

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 20 Oct 2011 19:26

husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"






She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."






"Excellent," he replies,
"I just won £10 , here's £5 - now Sod off!"











George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 20 Oct 2011 19:24

New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all')...

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i..e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.



George

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 17 Oct 2011 10:05




A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.




Lynski

Lynski Report 8 Oct 2011 00:49

TECHNOLOGY

AFTER HAVING DUG TO A DEPTH OF 10 FEET AUSTRALIAN
SCIENTISTS FOUND TRACES OF COPPER WIRE DATING BACK 200 YEARS AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT THEIR ANCESTORS ALREADY HAD A TELEPHONE NETWORK MORE THAN 150 YEARS AGO..

NOT TO BE OUTDONE BY THE AUSSIES, IN THE WEEKS THAT FOLLOWED, AN AMERICAN ARCHAEOLOGIST DUG TO A DEPTH OF 20 FEET. SHORTLY AFTER A STORY WAS PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES: "AMERICAN ARCHAEOLOGISTS, FINDING TRACES OF 250-YEAR-OLD COPPER WIRE, HAVE CONCLUDED THAT THEIR ANCESTORS ALREADY HAD AN ADVANCED HIGH-TECH
"COMMUNICATION NETWORK 50 YEARS EARLIER THAN THE AUSTRALIANS".

ONE WEEK LATER, ESSEX COUNTY COUNCIL, REPORTED THE FOLLOWING:

AFTER DIGGING DOWN TO 30 FEET IN COLCHESTER, JACK LUCKLOW, A SELF TAUGHT ARCHAEOLOGIST, REPORTED THAT HE FOUND " ABSOLUTELY BUGGAR ALL".

JACK HAS THEREFORE CONCLUDED THAT 250 YEARS AGO .
BRITAIN HAD ALREADY GONE WIRELESS."

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE BRITISH.

I apologise for the capital letters but that is how it was sent to me.

Lynski

Lynski Report 8 Oct 2011 00:46

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes,crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table by candle-light; she put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimps, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which time the two had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.... and to spite the ex-wife they even took the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 27 Sep 2011 23:07

he handed the bartender a £5 note for a pint of beer
the bartender gave him £15.40 change
he said - I only gave you a fiver
the bartender said - you gave me £20 actually - nice try though!!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 27 Sep 2011 20:50

got this in a email, as you do.........I'm not clever enough to think these up!!

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'


First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 22 Sep 2011 19:41

My membership at the gym didn't last long - I bent down and saw a hole in my trainer so I stuck my finger in it - she put in a formal complaint and I was immediately banned!!!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 22 Sep 2011 18:05

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:



"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....








"Didn't feel a thing."

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Sep 2011 23:42

oh dear!!!! :-D

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Sep 2011 22:18

dunno about that, Anne, for ME to fit some of the clothes in MY wardrobe, I would have to have been starving!!



Bob

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 18 Sep 2011 20:59

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to push off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 18 Sep 2011 20:30

A tourist came across a Rabbi, praying at the wailing wall.....after waiting a while for him to finish, the tourist asked him how long he had prayed at the wall.........45 years he said,
and what is it that you pray for?
for there to be Peace in all the middle east and peace between all these warring nations...........

wow said the tourist, thats quite a while to have been praying.tell what does it feel like after all those years?



Like ive been talking to an £??(*&) brick wall was the reply..........

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 16 Sep 2011 18:41

Four Worms in Church
(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)



A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.



The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.





The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.




The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,



"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 14 Sep 2011 22:21

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Fortitude Valley Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 11 Sep 2011 18:41

>An older
gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients..
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.
>
>In a very loud voice, the
receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE
DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
>
>All the patients in the waiting room
snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He
recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
>The room erupted in applause

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 11 Sep 2011 16:58

As we get older, we sometimes begin to doubt our

ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by

the remarkable achievements of other "seniors"

who have found the courage to take on

challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

?I'm often asked:

'What do you do now that you're retired?'


Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering

background and one of the things I enjoy most is

converting beer, wine, whisky and port into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling.

I do it every day and I really love it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.