Quizzes and Games

I can't find it!!

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.
SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.
ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.' SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.
IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE ....'

PMSL ANN a good one, but think you are wasting your time on here with jokes.

I love a good joke, but don't think they go down too well on here which is such a shame.

beginning to look that way Foggy!!

The poor nun, knowing that she had to wait another 12 hours for the next flight, thought "why not?" and inserted yet another coin.

Back out came yet another card. This time it read "Ryanair don't do refunds. You won't get fooled again"

Sue x

nud

nud??

cant do "n" any more gotta be 3 letters.......

NUD ge

Thicko here.

NUD ge? Is this some kind of txt spk?

Sue x

NUDGE

Thicko says "thanks" - and feels a bit daft

Sue x

I've just c & p'd this to send to a friend who's flying to Melbourne soon!

I think it is funny!

I hope this censoring of the jokes doesn't go too far - a lot of them were very crass but still made us laugh - I did find I was opting not to send the crasser ones to my friends and relations but I always got back to the thread hoping to find something suitable! (I have found this a good way of keeping in touch in an undemanding way with my more distant family)

Ah! a sympathiser,

Elizabeth,welcome!!

Bob

At the risk of being given a GR holiday for posting a joke, here goes.

Subject: dilemma


Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual
signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been
going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names
she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them. I try to
stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall
asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a
good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with
'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse,
which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this
something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I
bought it?





George

Well golfers always have their priorities right!!!! P.S. OH, SIL and gson all golfers!!!!!!!!!!

here's some from yesteryear!!!



Winter Drawers Ever Near 8th Nov 2004
Anyone out there old enough to remember these jokes. Mummy, mummy daddy's fallen on the fire. Well don't poke him he might last until Friday!!

Winter Drawers Ever Near 8th Nov 2004
Very witty. Mummy, mummy I hate daddy's guts. Well leave them on the side of your plate!. (just put myself off my dinner).

Mags in Bristol 8th Nov 2004
Mummy, mummy I keep going round in circles!' 'Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!' 'Mummy mummy - can I lick the bowl?' 'No - flush it like everybody else!' (now I'm off my dinner too lol)

Speedy . 8th Nov 2004
Or this one... Mummy, mummy why do I keep running round in circles?...shut up or I'll nail the other foot to the ground. Bev

Speedy . 8th Nov 2004
ok Mag's you bet me on that one...how about Mummy, mummy can I play with granddad, no you've already dug him up 3 times this week...

Mags in Bristol 8th Nov 2004
'Mummy, mummy, can I play with Granny?' 'No - you've dug her up three times this week already!'

Mags in Bristol 8th Nov 2004
And you beat me Bev LOL!

Speedy . 8th Nov 2004
Mags we think too much alike :))) Bev

Pat Going Around In Circles 8th Nov 2004
Mags, Might change my name after that one, LOL oh dear, Aileen suddenly I'm not too hungry either. Pat x

Winter Drawers Ever Near 8th Nov 2004
Or.... Mummy, mummy daddy's been run over by a steamroller. I'm in the bath at the moment. Slip him under the door.


Anne in Selhurst 8th Nov 2004
mummy mummy daddy's going out, well put some more parafin on him then

TESTICLE THERAPY

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

"Feels great", he replied, "but I still think my thumb's broken"

A Guy phoned into his boss that he cant come to work because of a blinding headache
Thats tough said the boss, tell you what, heres a tip, whenever I get a headache, I go and have a real rumpy pumpy session with my missus for an hour or so, Certainly clears mine up......... 2 hours later the boss gets another phone call, its the sick workman........

Bloody hell says he, that was brilliant, me headaches gorn completely now.........be in this after noon,



By the way, you got a smashing house........

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn't finished, so i have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot; a bottle of Chardonnay; a bodle of Baileys; a butle of wum; a pockage of Prungles; the remainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins; the res of the cheesecake; an a box a chocletz.. yu haf no idr how bludy fablus i feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu feel r in need ov innr pissss An telum u blody luvum !!
I Blody luv u 2 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx