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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 10 Mar 2011 16:47

apparently research has just proved that birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live!!!!

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 10 Mar 2011 17:10

Advantages of living after 50!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true....

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 80!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.


02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.


03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.


04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"


05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.


07. Things you buy now won't wear out.


08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.


09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.


10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.


11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.


13. You sing along with elevator music.


14. Your eyes won't get much worse.


15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.


17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list.


20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Forward this to every one you can remember right now!


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.








George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 10 Mar 2011 17:13

NAG, NAG, NAG...



An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.


As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed:

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'



George

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 10 Mar 2011 17:26

THE IRISH TALKING CLOCK




After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.





'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You ASSHOLE! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'



AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 11 Mar 2011 15:58

DARWIN AWARDS

The Darwin's are out! Yes, it's that magical time of year
again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least
evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to
the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received
the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how
close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15 , which begs the question: If someone points
a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he
bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man
curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman
said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged
his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner
of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.

As you start the new year with a smile on your face and joy in your heart, just keep in mind ...they walk among us, they reproduce.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 14 Mar 2011 00:30

A DENTIST WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR ....



The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said..
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist,
"but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.


Bob

Easter Bunny

Easter Bunny Report 14 Mar 2011 10:52

THANKS FOR THE NUN JOKE ANN.xx

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 14 Mar 2011 23:35





HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP


DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4




Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.







Twice.




Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 20 Mar 2011 20:16

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.

Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.


The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that
lion out of there."

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 1 Apr 2011 16:40

After a visit to the local whorehouse, a man noticed a collection of green nodules on his manhood, so he decides to see a doctor.
The doctor takes one look and says, "Hmm, this is serious!"
"What is it Doc.?" asks the man, now decidedly worried.
"Well!", says the doctor, "You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"
"Yes!", says the man.
"Well!", says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts!"

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 4 Apr 2011 20:19

Two Native Americans and a British banker were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Native Americans ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until
he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his
clothes and ran into the cave.



The British banker was puzzled and asked the remaining Native American what
it was all about, 'Was he crazy or what?'



The Native American replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
we men see a cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
waiting for us.



Just then they came upon another cave.



The second Native American ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran
into the opening.



The British banker wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge
opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is
bigger than those other guys found. There must be some really big, fine
women in this cave!'



He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on
his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.





The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............



















You'll like this



















































NAKED BRITISH BANKER RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!



AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 4 Apr 2011 21:10

nice one Elizabeth!!!!

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 6 Apr 2011 23:34

My mum gets email ... and passes them aaaallll on.

At least this one isn't the bigoted racist filth coming out of the US that a couple of her "friends" send an incessant stream of ...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.



The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.



The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'



The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.



She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'



To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.



'There's no charge,' she says.



'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.



'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'





'So I just switched the heads.'



(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 3 May 2011 10:25

Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.


The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

InspectorGreenPen

InspectorGreenPen Report 3 May 2011 10:41

No Pun Intended


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,’ Dam'!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because', he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so; thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

wtw

wtw Report 3 May 2011 11:29

mummy why is daddy zigzaging across the garden?
shush babe and just pull the trigger ,

Greenfingers

Greenfingers Report 5 May 2011 15:32

I needed a laugh thanks to William and InspectorInkpen :D

Persephone

Persephone Report 9 May 2011 09:36

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -
"Is that one word or two?”

JaneyCanuck

JaneyCanuck Report 10 May 2011 21:34

My mum gets more email ... and passes it on. ;)



TRAIN TICKET

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the football match.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.

'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please.. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.

'Watch and learn,' answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 May 2011 23:43

About those Church Hymns!
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

The Pastor then said "SEX" The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES."

Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.