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HAS THE JOKE THREAD BEEN ZAPPED AGAIN?

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 24 Nov 2012 13:58

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'


TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'


WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about this rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman...

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92,
if he could screw, he could fly.'


FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'


SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'


SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'










Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Nov 2012 00:52

Reminds me of the scribble on a toilet wall...........

" my mother made me into a homosexual........"


written below.............If I donate the wool, would she make me one ???


Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Nov 2012 00:56

and on another

was written I Love grils............

written a bit lower the word GRILS was crossed out and Girls added.......
lower still Girls was crossed out . and someone had added the words
Whats wrong with us Grils?

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 30 Dec 2012 09:55

some of you might enjoy this one

http://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 30 Dec 2012 13:58

beats paying postage...........LOL

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 9 Jan 2013 09:46

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you xxx."

I replied........"I am having a crap. What should I do?"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 Feb 2013 08:52

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50..

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 Feb 2013 22:30

So…anyway, there's this here yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda p....d off because he doesn't want to be yellow anymore, no way, Jose!
Life would be sooo easier if he were brown like the other toad dudes...
He'd sure be less visible to predators that's for one thing.
Anyway like....this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother who's like hanging out in this Timberland.
"Hey! Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm real hacked off being so visible to the bad guys. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown
Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Whoa, hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "You ain't done like the business, man, my compeller still yeller!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,
"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Ah, Fairy Godmother! You're the very person I need to see!" says the purple bear, "I'm in a spot of trouble, old plum, you see I can't seem to raise any interest in the cute little bearesses, mainly because they don't really want to be seen with a purple bear like myself on account of the hunters. I'm rather an easy target, wouldn’t you agree?"
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand.

"Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..
"I don't want to put you to any more bother, my dear lady!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "but the 'Wheels' on my undercarriage appear to be still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Ah Well, all's well and good my fine woman but how on earth does one find this Wizard of Oz?", the once-ever-so purple bear replies.
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............

you know what's coming don't you ?

~~~

She flew off, saying........


"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 1 Mar 2013 13:59

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:

>> 1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was hot in bed last night.

>> 2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

>> 3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

>> 4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

>> 5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

>> 6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

>> 7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

>> 8) The patient refused autopsy.

>> 9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.

>> 10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

>> 11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

>> 12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

>> 13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

>> 14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
want to work her up.
>>
>> 15) She is numb from her toes down.
>>
>> 16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
>>
>> 17) The skin was moist and dry.
>>
>> 18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
>>
>> 19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>>
>> 20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
>>
>> 21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
>>
>> 22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
>>
>> 23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>>
>> 24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>>
>> 25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>>
>> 26) The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stockbroker instead.
>>
>> 27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.
>>
>> 28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>>
>> 29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank, who felt we should
>> sit on the abdomen and I agree.
>>
>> 30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
>>
>> 31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 5 Mar 2013 15:50

A Lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore Is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank ya, ma'am. Ah'm real pleased. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'

'Don't be flattered she said...... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 8 Mar 2013 23:26

Sharron n Tracey

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

" Can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "Ive had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno!"

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 19 Apr 2013 23:09

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.


A toothpaste factory in Ontario had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.

They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment - they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.

"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the Nova Scotian kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

Have a wonderful day!

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 28 Apr 2013 10:21

THE SCOTTISH COW.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,

the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,

the cow would move away from the bull,

and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:


"My wife is from Scotland"

AnnCardiff

AnnCardiff Report 1 May 2013 21:28

> Short but sweet Australian humour
>
> A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin
> brandishing a revolver yelling,
>
> "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
>
> A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
>
> "You don't have enough ammo mate!!"

George_of_Westbury

George_of_Westbury Report 8 May 2013 15:19

· Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
>
> · Murphy is doing some roofing work for Paddy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Paddy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Paddy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Murphy replies "No I only live round the corner."
>
> • After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
>

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 12 May 2013 22:44

The Journey of Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I had a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen,cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.


Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.


She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now, I am older and wiser; and looking for a girl with big tits.

Elizabeth2469049

Elizabeth2469049 Report 22 May 2013 11:49

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS


Edit: I don't think I know what a slinky is

Greenfingers

Greenfingers Report 25 May 2013 19:39

A slinky is literally a coil toy that when put on stairs makes its way down

Bobtanian

Bobtanian Report 26 May 2013 00:05

Irene turned up for the fancy dress ball.....stark naked!!
the doorman refused her entry saying,
you cant come in like that you havent a costume!!
you have have a theme or something...........
so she borrowed a pair of black gloves and a pair of black shoes, and said.............thats it then.........i'm the five of spades!!

Mike *

Mike * Report 26 May 2013 14:52

Nick Clegg