Genealogy Chat

Hi Sam.I too am shocked at the carers unkind letter.There have been many good suggestions already but I would like to add perhaps a tape with a message and some photos sent via a social worker or other person may just help her to see how much it would mean to both of them.It was probably a terrible shock to her too and she might be feeling guilty because she had lost touch..................Just had another thought.If she is so ill he has a right to know the nature of the illness incase it is likely to affect him in later life. Margaret

sammy ,tell b-in-law to get round there quick,even if he poses as a salesman or something,he must'nt miss his chance,he is still a young man and should the worst happen and the mummy dies,he will be left with much regret.hope all goes well.

Over the padt few years I have been in a similar situation and received a very simialr letter from a woman who could have been my grandmother (step) I grew up never meeting my father nor any set of grandparents, and so began my quest for wanting family.. My grandfather and his older brother and sister emigrated to Australia in the 1920's after both parents died. My grandfather is the only living person from his original family and 2 weeks ago turned 90 I have still to this day never met him My mother was fostered out at 13 and unwanted by either of her parents after their divorce and she was deemed as too much hard work. My grandfather remarried and around 1997 I rang my grandfather, after locating him in the White pages, I spoke to him and later found out he was diagnosed with early onset of Alzheimers A few weeks later after that phone call, I received a letter off his 2nd wife asking me to stay away and she didnt want me to interefere because he would then take it out on her. Back then I wasn't strong enought to fight it, but now I am and I have matured also.....and you know what else....I have broken down that barrier that she built up against every corner I turned for fear of what I wanted.. I have kept her informed by letter of what I have found that no-one else ever knew, I have met Aunts Uncles and cousins of this maternal side to my family and she now respects the fact I am not here to interefere in my grandfathers life, I just want recognition for his family that was cast aside and the joy he missed out on meeting his grandchildten and great grandchildren.........I know I will never meet my gf, I know this, but last week I too received another letter, this time mine was kinder, and his wife asked me to call so she could answer any of my qstns....and because now she understands what I want!!! And I can now accept things for how they have turned out, I'm only saddened that I will never meet him, but risking his health further is simply not worth it...I just love him from a distance. It's what we all want and why we are here....good luck in your quest and I hope you find a way to break down that wall that has been put before you. Just dont give up, there are ways and I have proven this. Michelle

Just a suggestion.............why not try once more by sending a bouquet of flowers and a card to say he so sorry to hear that she is ill and his thoughts are with her and hope that when she is feeling stronger they will be able to meet etc. She might be afraid of recriminations etc and by breaking down the barriers gently she might feel happier to see him. If after a reasonable time she hasn't replied he could start making enquiries about her circumstances. Mandy

I don't know if my input will help or not, but here goes: Some years ago I was friendly with an elderly lady and her husband, who just happened to be Polish.The husband spoke no English.The lady was taken ill and went into a Psychogeriatric Hospital. I went to visit her and was very shocked by what I saw. Previously to being taken ill, she had told me that they had Polish relations in the area, and that she knew 'they will try to get my house if anything happens to me'. I spoke to the Ward Sister, who flatly refused to discuss the matter with me. Eventually, after worrying for days, I phoned the local Social Services,who also refused to discuss the matter with me, however, the Social Worker I spoke to promised to look into the matter.My concerns were the conditions in the Hospital and the undue influence of the 'relatives' on the husband. The relatives told me to go away and mind my own b**** business. The Social Worker phoned me a few days later and told me that an Emergency Power of Attorney had been applied for by the Council - the husband was on the point of signing away the house to the 'relations'. What I am waffling about here (!!!) is that the Social Worker WILL take seriously any concerns you may have for your MIL as regards to any interference by Care Workers, whether they are council employees or not. Also, a Social Worker has the ability to visit MIL and find out what her true feelings are on the subject - as others have said, she may have some disfiguring illness, may be feeling dreadfully guilty, or simply may not wish to relive those times and have to explain her actions, to a possibly hostile son. I hope all goes well with this.(I too would be compelled to visit her!) Marjorie

Well firstly I would want to know who was living at the same house as his mother and what their relationship was - might explain the letter. If she was on her own then I would contact a neighbour by phone and ask for information about his mother's health - using the phone doesn't give them much chance to think about what they say - more likely to get an honest response or none at all - but you have to take your chance. If that happens try another neighbour - even a few up the road!!! It may well be that the mother was in shock/fear when she read the letter and her first response was no contact which is possibly what this person who wrote back was genuinely conveying. She is relatively young so I would want to know what ails her - perhaps its hereditary. As your brother in law is a legal son and possibly her next of kin then if he is kept away from her I'd possibly ask Social Services to check the situation out (not sure if that's possible - but if she's a vulnerable person they might). Prepare himself for the worst scenario - hoping its not that bad. I think someone needs to go and see her and reassure her that nothing bad is going to happen if she meets her son. If there's a family member still in touch with her I'd contact them and see what the situation is. Alternatively the illness may be a ploy to keep you away but if its true then I would want to see her before its too late. So I would see what the neighbours say before arriving on her doorstep. It happened with my family - she didn't want to know, frightened of facing up to her children for what she had done. But being rejected again made us angry and we set out to track her down. At the first address we tried - so meant to happen) she was shocked but agreed to talk and after convincing her that her other children meant no harm - she phoned and there's been contact every since. However we promised no recriminations and not to disrupt her new life as her friends know nothing of her previous life. We've all kept that promise. If he doesn't see her even the once he'll regret it for the rest of his life - so tread carefully for the minute but go for it when it feels right. Good Luck

I'm sorry that your brother in law has received such a wicked letter from his mothers carer. Having been a carer myself I think you will find that if she is employed by the local council? she can not write letters like that, I would if I was your brother in law get in touch with social services in that area and make a complaint, as I think she has broke all the rules going.

Been thinking about this... get him to ring the local social services dept at the county council.Social care and health dept. use the lady's name(his mothers) and ask to speak to her 'Care manager'. Every person that as the help of social services will have one. Each care manager has a team of carers under her but will ultimately be responsible for particular clients even if the county council do not have responsibility for her care themselves (maybe contracted out). They should be able to tell him more about her and her case, and if her care is sub-contracted out to an agency they should know who. Good luck jess

careres have no rights regarding decisions therefore my advice would be for him to contact the social services in that area, it could all be done very confidentially because he may be the only next of kin she has.....I would presume because of her illhealth if carers are involved then a social worker will be involved and they would take a more professional approach and advise him of the situation and what would be the best course to take in everyones interest....good luck

I have to put my penneth in here after reading all this! Only 3 hours away??? thats nothing! I went to Canada 3000 miles to find my Father. I went for 3 weeks holiday and dedicated 3 days to try find him....found him on the second day. Phoned an older half Sister then got invited (ORDERED!) to go round. Met my father the next day also 2 brothers and 5 Sisters. My Father haddnt seen me since I was 10 months old. I was 45 at this time (56 now) I was prepared for just a glimse accross the road if that was all I could have. Lifes too short!!! so get ya self over there and hang around the front door.....Thats what I'd do! I'd stand there in rain/snow/ice and frost for hours just to get a glimse if this was me. 'DONT PUT OFF TILL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY' :o)) All the best, Luv n hugs xx Gerri

Sounds to me like Mum has written the letter herself. Rotten to say it, but if she feels like that ............. I think if it were me, I would have to stake out the place just to see if she is really ill.

Know how he feels although my situation is slightly different as an adoptee. his case IS different and legally he is her son, after so many years i guess the carer , who probably didn't even know of his existance, possibly was trying to protect her clients interests, although didn't go about it terribly professionally. Where are we talking about geographically? (off thread if you like) maybe someone could go an have a gander for you- long shot, but might work In the meantime, please give him a huge hug from me, i know just how it feels when the woman that gave life to you doesn't want to know Jess

Dear Sammy, My heartfelt wishes to your B I L. Sadly for me my Dad passed recently, and as he was my Mum's carer we had to get Social Services involved. There is so much they are not allowed to do without permission, I would think writing a letter on someone's behalf is disgraceful, unless his Mum gave permission. Phone the local social services office and see if his Mum gets any help from them. If you want to e mail me feel free to do so. Amanda x

He could write a letter to this Mrs Jones c/o that address and explain who is is and that if the wording in her letter is from his 'mother 'then all he can do is respect her wishes but if she has written it off her own back then she has no right to dictate what the wishes of his mother may be,, I would also ask if the 'mother' got the letter in the first place'' I think that the 'mother 'would have said please respect MY wishes,,this sounds like that she has taken it on herself to write this,and perhaps the mother knows nothing about it...why dont he go he could always ask the next door what the situation is,,and really 300miles is nothing compared to if he sits back and does nothing...and its to late,,only to live with regrets,,,

Sammy, What a sad thing to happen. Can you not write to the carer direct?if she has given you her name explain in detail that he is not looking for anything from her (she might think because his mother is sick he's after something,)Ask if the reply came from his mother herself or the words of the carer! Good Luck, and best wishes to your friend MOE!

Sounds very unprofessional for a carer to write a letter telling him not to write to this address again, especially if he is her only living relative, definately sounds a bit dodgy. If she is only in her late 50's she may still have her parents alive or brothers or sisters. There are some very nasty people around who prey on people who they think are on their own and have nobody to leave their property etc to. I would definately make a trip to her address and speak to neighbours and/or her Doctor. Good Luck. Maggie

Yes.........as her legal son ,he could ring +discuss the situation with the GP.. If you live away from your parents the GP's WILL discuss things on the phone............Well worth doing.

I feel so sorry for the BIL's predicament. I can't offer any advice (not been in the situation myself, thank goodness) but I really hope that she reconsiders.... even if she is the one who decided to write that letter. The carers don't seem to have much of a heart, and the lady is not that old at all - she's what 60? That's young!! I do hope things turn out for the best. Chloe x

Would it be possible to find out more about her medical condition from her doctor? Your brother in law may be her next of kin, unless another person has been nominated. Whilst Mrs Jones may think she can speak for his mother, our family like Linda's have experienced being kept at arm's length by someone who 'befriended' my aunt... She managed to get her bungalow off her too. Mrs Jones may not have exposed the full picture.

Not much to add to what has already been said other than to say that I do feel for him, he must be devastated and that I agree totally with Hannah. No care worker has the right to dictate that he cannot see her or cannot contact her without Power of Attorney over that person. The idea of trying to establish what kind of care she is receiving and for what is a good suggestion. That way he can gauge whether she really is as ill as the carer is making out or whether this is, as has been suggested, a rather suspect attempt at keeping someone with a rightful claim (not that that is his intention, I know that) on anything once she has passed away Lou