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The letter he received... They've been!!

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ProfilePosted byOptionsPost Date


Ann Report 1 Jul 2005 15:11

I couldn't help feeling there MUST be some criteria for establishing whether a person is being cared for properly. This has been nagging at me. What if they are not being looked after properly, being robbed, taken over by carers? SO I did some investigating: AGE CONCERN freephone 0800 00 99 66 If BIL rings them + explains HIS concerns re his mothers care they will help or give him a telephone number to speak to a local advisor who will help. ............................................................................... Regarding his Grandad there's Cruse Bereavement Care 0870 167 1677 (help for the bereaved + those caring for bereaved people) Hope this is of some help for BIL + others in his position. Ann xxx


Smiley Report 1 Jul 2005 10:58

Hi everyone NOPE! No news on the ''Mother'' front as yet. I think that's it... She's not going to reply now, that's assuming she has received the letter from BIL and the card from me of course. There is a visit in the offing though, this month sometime, not sure when, but I'll be sure to let you know. As for grandad, I'm seeing BIL later today so I'll let you know how he's doing. I do know however that grandad did NOT attend the funeral. Sam


Lucinda Report 29 Jun 2005 13:28

Nudge for Sammy. We're all hoping there will be some positive news soon for you and your family.


Smiley Report 25 Jun 2005 23:53

I know what you're saying with regard to BIL leaving his grandad alone. I must admit, it wouldn't have crossed my mind, I would have thought I must be there every spare minute, but I've spoken to my BIL today and the doctor has advised exactly what you are suggesting, leave him all day, as before, the only difference being his wife isn't there. My BIL is trying this as of today, Saturdays & Sundays are the nights he stayed at my sisters, Mon- Fri he slept at his grandparents. He's not ready to stay away a whole night yet, he would worry about his grandad too much. Both grandparents were hopeless individually, but managed to muddle through together. This became evident when each of them had seperate hospital stays recently. So today, BIL left grandad at 11am, and was not retutning til 10am. This will be the norm when BIL has to go back to work, so there is no other way really, especially as his grandad refuses any outside help. Thanks for all your ideas & comments and nobody ever offends me :) Sam

An Olde Crone

An Olde Crone Report 25 Jun 2005 19:45

Sammy It never rains but what it pours! Does the old chap have any Polish contacts? I knew a Polish chap in exactly the same position as this and the Social Services came forward with the offer of accommodation in a 'Polish Village' - its a community of Polish people, all elderly now, who were put into temporary accommodation over here just after the War. Most of them are still there. If he is not interested, then, hard as it is, I would do as the previous poster suggested - don't be too eager to help him. As he gets used to his grief he may realise that he can't actually manage on his own and needs help - or maybe he WILL manage on his own.It could be pointed out calmly to him that being violent, and not eating or otherwise looking after himself, will be the quickest route to being forcibly put in care - he won't like that idea and it may pull him together. It is desperately sad but at the end of the day, the old chap is an adult, not a child and in my opinion anyway, for what that's worth, is entitled to grieve himself to death if that is what he so wishes. I know many people will not agree with this. I do hope things settle down - I think your BIL is a Saint, I really do. My best wishes to him. Marjorie


Seasons Report 25 Jun 2005 19:21

So sorry about BIL's granddad's behaviour towards him but I can understand the poor man feels he has lost everything dear to him and he's lashing out at the person closest to him. I can understand him wanting to remain independent but if he isn't a danger to himself and can cook himself a meal then I'd let him be for the timebeing. Just ask BIL to pop around as often as possible and do a quick tidy up and perhaps ask one of the neighbours to keep an eye on him and if necessary give BIL a ring if things go awry. If he is likely to fall then have an emergency lifeline installed - the client wears a pendant and when pressed it alerts either the contact person or emergency services through the telephone. Social Services may do this for you. Instead of meals on wheels - in our area they have a weekly delivery of frozen meals which the client can pop into the microwave when required. There's even one company that delivers gourmet meals for a fiver!!!!! Alternatively a trip down to Iceland to stock the freezer with ready meals might be the answer. He could choose what he wants and gradually he may look forward to the trips and want to go himself. You can order from supermarkets who deliver too. If he is able you might find that he's off out and about and will get into a routine quite quickly, buying a paper, getting his pension etc. Unfortunately grief affects people in different ways but ask BIL just to bide his time and see what happens.


Amanda, Report 25 Jun 2005 18:59

Dear Sammy, I really do feel for you and your family as I am in a similar boat. My Mum does have some help now but it is not enough as she really can't manage alone, she simply refuses to have any more help as there are other people to help out, actually there is only me, I work full time and am a single parent. She has been to hospital 3 times in the last 5 weeks, one resulting in a 10 day stay there. I wanted to say a couple of things to you, I hope it helps a bit. If he doesn't want any help and is as stubborn as my Mum, there is not much your BIL can do except give up his own life to become a carer, which is not really an option for most of us. Social Services advice to me was to stand back and not be there as often, it's not an easy thing to do, but after 6 weeks I am beginning to feel like I am working 7 days a week. The other thing is I am helping a elderly lady with her tree, she is in a home (and hates it) and gave me some very good advice, which is to leave them in their own home for as long as possible, these bereaved folks have already lost so much and can't cope with more change too soon. They seem to act like small naughty children would, but they may get better when the shock of losing someone after so long starts to wear off. I'm sure it's only grief that is making Grandad behave badly, or he resents BIL father butting in, but there is no excuse to treat BIL badly, my Mum has been awful to me, everything I do is either wrong or not good enough. You and your family are not alone, I'm sure there are many of us on here trying to cope with similar situations. My best wishes to you and your family. Amanda I hope I haven't posted anything that offends you x


Ann Report 24 Jun 2005 09:28

Sam Just wanted to say I am thinking about you all today and that the letter you wrote was really exceptional. Well done Sam. I hope BIL copes today. I know when my gran died I was devestated. Take care, Ann x


Unknown Report 24 Jun 2005 08:42

Hi Sammy Such a sad situation. I think your BIL's Grandfather is being violent towards him because he is angry and upset at losing what he would consider his whole world. Lashing out is a way of dealing with his hurt and sorrow. My nana died 12 years ago and for the last 11 years my Grandad 'just wanted to be up there with his Angel'. My Grandad died last year in january but we all know he is with his Angel. He went downhill rapidly the last year or two so it is heartwrenching watching that happen. My two Aunties (his daughters) looked after him 24 hours a day between them and worked full time nightshift (one of them) and they were so lost when he passed over (even tho they knew he was where he wanted to be). My Grandad was Polish and in the same situation as your BIL's Grandfather - never knew his date of birth and was in both world wars - they gave him 24th Dec 1909 for his birth date as all papers were lost. Our family have been to Poland trying to trace rellies and have only found one distant cousin. I hope something can be sorted for your BIL's Grandfather. Thoughts are with you all today. Vikki xx

Linda G

Linda G Report 24 Jun 2005 08:39

So sorry to hear the news about BIL's Nan. Have been on holiday and just read the post. Linda x


Smiley Report 24 Jun 2005 08:21

Morning everyone, it is absolutely hammering down with rain here, although I don't suppose you need good weather for a funeral. The service is at 9.30am, and is within a stones-throw of my sister's house. She & my BIL are going to the service and then straight home. Things are a little strained between father & son to say the least, so they think it best not to go back to his fathers house afterwards. As for his grandad, bless him, he is so confused. He says he is NOT going to the funeral, and he will NOT pay for it. He offered his wife's clothes to the lady in the opposite flat on the same day she died :( They were together 52yrs he must be lost without her. My BIL has not stayed at my sister's since his Gran's death, he has spent most of his time with his grandad. This chap would probably not eat, nor would he see anyone if BIL did not stay there. Much as BIL's father has swooped in and organised the funeral, he want's nothing to do with his step-father at all. My sis & BIL have spoken this week with various people about getting his grandad the help he needs, but his grandad says he does not want any home help, nor to go into a home. What do you do when an elderly person digs there heels in like that? No one wants him in a home, but there has been an offer of home-help, meals on wheels etc... via the doctor, and grandad flatly refuses. His grandad is Ukranian, he cannot read or write in English, and he's not even sure how old he is. He knows his birthday is Feb 2nd, but he thought it was around 1927, no cert can be found. He lied about his age to get into the army as a young lad, and during his service he was put into a concentration camp, he escaped and fled to England. Here he met & married BIL's gran. What a life! They had no children together, she already had a 5yr old son (BIL's father) So all grandad has is my BIL. I know my BIL thinks the world of him but this is very difficult, BIL will have to back to work next week, he obviously does not like the idea of leaving his grandad alone. His grandad has become a little violent towards him too. No one wants to undermine his wishes, but does there come a point when we have to decide what is good for our parents/grandparents as they no longer see things clearly? Sam

Joy Kentish Maid

Joy Kentish Maid Report 23 Jun 2005 21:27

Good luck, Sam. :-) Joy


Unknown Report 23 Jun 2005 20:48

Hi Sammy, Will be thinking of you all tomorrow,,as I'm sure we all will,, we have been following thread with intrest,,, I certainly hope that your letter has the desired effect;, Kay,


Amanda, Report 23 Jun 2005 20:36

Dear Sammy, Just to say I hope tomorrow goes as well as can be expected for you all. The letter is a great idea, you are one strong lady, bless you. Maybe BIL will find it easier to deal with his BM after losing his Nan who he loved so much all his life, I do hope so. Hope his Grandad is doing ok under the circumstances. Best wishes Amanda x


www.Siouxhealer Report 23 Jun 2005 18:01

Have sent you a PM Sammy XX Sioux


treacle Report 23 Jun 2005 15:15

Sammy, Thoughts and prayers for you and your family tomorrow. Wish we could all do more for you Love Anne...x


Smiley Report 23 Jun 2005 09:11

Hi everyone I don't imagine BIL's mother will care about her MIL's death really, and I don't mean that in a callous way. I wrote in the hope it makes her think, the only person her own son had, remotely like a mother, was indeed his grandmother, and now he's lost her. He is so sad about that, understandably, she had reached the grand old age of 78, and I'm sure in time he will have lots of lovely memories to take the place of the sadness, but his grief is also magnified because of the recent rejection from his mother You have all expressed shock & disbelief at the first letter that my BIL received, be it from his mother or Mrs ''Jones'', with or without his mothers knowledge (we just don't know do we), I just don't want him getting another one of those in the near future. If she's going to reject him again then she can save it and do it face to face. BIL seems adamant now that he will pay her a visit next month.

The Bag

The Bag Report 23 Jun 2005 07:45

Sound like a good move. Hopefully his Mother will have an image in her mind of the Grandmother - my only fear would be that the mother hated the grandmother- still, its a chance that she may have a shred of compassion, ad will achieveve the letter/communication/contact he so wants. Jess


Seasons Report 23 Jun 2005 01:56

That's a really lovely message - I'm praying that it will deliver the right response. Just wish I could be a fly on the wall when/if she gets to read it. I have my misgivings about Mrs Jones - Is she genuinely passing on Mrs H's wishes or is she making herself indispensible to Mrs H and doesn't want intruders spoiling her cosy arrangement? Sorry I'm being a cynic here - I just wish someone could go and speak to Mrs H and get the full story from the horses mouth so to speak. It's so frustrating for you and for us who are following your saga. Say a prayer to St Anthony and St Jude.


Liz Report 23 Jun 2005 01:54

Hi Sammy - Excellent letter - good move. We can only hope it makes his BM look at things in a different and more positive way and respond accordingly. As for his 'stepmother's' reaction - I'd say 'unbelievable' if I didn't know a family where the mother wouldn't allow the young children to grieve when their father died, claiming that the loss was hers alone!! (But that was nearly 80 years ago.) It takes all sorts ....... ! I DO hope your b-i-l is being allowed to carry out the wishes of his grandmother and her husband. As someone said on here, these major family events can set changes in motion in family dynamics - I'm sure we all hope that from this very sad event will eventually come a new and happier era for you b-i-l. Warmest wishes to you and your family - they're so lucky to have all your warm and constructive support. Will be thinking of you on Friday. Liz