General Chat

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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is
for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams.

Pmsl....they're ace...!!

pmsl very funny x

really good-tommy cooper was a hero
c
xx

O.H will like that one.Loved Tommy Cooper.

Had me in stitches Suzy lol

Val x

:o)))))))))))

They don't make them like him anymore Suzy.

One of my all time favourites:)

Jean x.

So Pleased that you enjoyed them....Hubby sent it to me. :)))

My memory is a bit cloudy, but was it a Christmas day that he died on stage?

Jean...where have you gone on you know what :(((

Suzy, what are you on gal? !!!!! PMSL
Love Viv
xxx

I dont think it was Chistmas day he died. Was a long time ago - I was watching the show then turned over to watch Dallas just as it happened. I dont think I recall it being Christmas but was it night time or late in the evening.

I still love Tommy, thanks Suzy, chuckled my way through them. shirley.xx

Saw him live in the North-West in the 70s. He was absolutely great. One of the best. One more of his jokes:
"two blondes walked into a building -
Well, you think one of them would have seen it!"!

He was on "Live at Her Majesty's" when it happened - I remember watching the show. He walked on with a giant tube of "Tunes" on his fez and said - "I've had tunes running through my head all day."

I went to the doctor's the other day and said to him: "Do you have anything for a creaky hip joint?" He gave me two tickets to Ronnie Scotts.

He would be 88

I didn't like him till the time I saw him live sometime in the early 80's ) after that *just like that* he made me laugh

Ed I can remember seeing it also ...the audience was laughing because they thought it was part of his act .

He always wanted to go out making his audience laugh .....and he said he would go out laughing ... he did both

Another lot of jokes to ruin my mascara

Mo