General Chat

LOL Wenders and Foggy ,
i havent laughed so much for ages ...
thanks .....
Hazelx

Night Foggy

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Night Wenders...thanks for the jokes...lol

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied, "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

John went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient.
The Doctor replied 'Of course not, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' John said, and proceeded to
drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.

It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
John said... "It's swollen"

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife....."Back off!" she said, they're for the funeral."

A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

"Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts.

"Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die,they
inflate and float you up to heaven."

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite
satisfied.Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes
into the kitchen.

"Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!"What do you mean? says his mother.

Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons
are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling
"God, I'm coming! I'm coming

Lol - they are brill - all of them - really made me giggle to myself
Please keep them coming

xx

lmao Foggy
be back later

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and
neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her
lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the
side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then
in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up
her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued
in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and
became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.

pmsl naughty

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead
of going home, he spent the weekend partying
with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night,
his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming,
his wife paused and
pointed at him and made him an offer.
'How would you like it if you
didn't see me for a couple of days?'..

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so
he looked up, smiled and said,
“That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't
see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by
and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and
he could see her a
little out of the corner of his left eye.

wmsl Foggy brill

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims:

"If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,

"If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,

"If the Vicar stays, I will give him Sex."

There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her:

"Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"



Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:



"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'F*** the Vicar'.

might have to wait for the 9 o'clock watershed Jac for some of them lol

More please.......if you dont mind!!! ))))

these are the cleaner ones i have pmsl

PMSL Wenders...you'll have the old maids complaining soon....lol

pmsl!!! excellent!