General Chat

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and
asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the
homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying
food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless
woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying
to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for
dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your
husband be furious with you for doing that? I know
I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see
what a woman looks like after she has given up
shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

BEHAVE

pmsl Wenders
i looked at the title and thought
eye ..eye .. Wenders giving up wine lol ....

wmsl ..........
sorry i deleted cos it came up 3 times lol

Well dont lose the key will you Poshpixie ...
cos you wont get back in ...lol

what you on about LWH
fights >>>>>>>dont no anything about fights >>>>>>>LOL

LWH is always fighting its her middle name
LW fighting H lol

Hi all ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ big wave

no sorry LWH its not only you pmsl

dont look at me Wenders ...lol
when you say that ........im a good girl....pmsl ......

ohh LadyCutie your name says it all lol would never dream of saying such a thing to a Lady pmsl

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

did warn you lol and these were the clean ones i could use

pmsl like it .... Wenders .... oh....
and yes i am a lady.......... splutters.......


LWH , .... you try very hard to be good ........
wmsl .......

can you tell im realy bored

Postman Pat's Last Day:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

The 'Perfect Password'


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:






**** PASSWORD REJECTED
NOT LONG ENOUGH***

wmsl...

pmsl Wenders.

Have you started on the wine early today?

Ooops, sorry I forgot, you gave that up last month along with shopping & the beauty salon. lol :o)))

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>RUNS OFF THREAD>>>>>>>>

ohhhhhh Stevie .....
your treading on dangerous ground ...lol

you cheeky so and so come here and let me clip your ears pmsl

...............*Pops head around door*

:o))

there got you Steve right on the head with my handbag lol

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
By an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
Silver is brought to Him,
And he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
Over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
Voluptuous brunette, more attractive
Than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
And Silver is brought to The
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...


"BRING POSSE"