General Chat

Thanks Wenders,
Yes I am fine now, just retired, on all the pills of course, watching weight, just bought a bike, life is great.
Carol

never give up whats good for you Carol pmsl
hope the hearts ok now

Senario,
Stopped drinking wine, consequence after 3 weeks had heart attack, still drinking red wine eight years later, doc. recommends it. lol
Carol

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'






'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

Thanks LadyC some are so funny that you couldn't make it up lol

LOLOLOL Wenders
they are brilliant ....wmsl.....

It's not what you say it's the way that you say it............
To help you to forget your everyday problems and read how others put their thoughts into words...these are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2

its all the make up i need Steve poly villa etc lol
lady of my age has to do her best lol

Ouch!!!!........

........... what's in your handbag Wender?................lead weights? lol

:o))

The Lone Ranger's Last Request


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
By an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honour of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with
A beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
And spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
To his horse.
Silver is brought to Him,
And he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears
Over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,

Silver again returns, this time with a
Voluptuous brunette, more attractive
Than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
And spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief
Is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."


"What is your LAST request???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... Alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
And Silver is brought to The
Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone,
The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ...


"BRING POSSE"

there got you Steve right on the head with my handbag lol

...............*Pops head around door*

:o))

you cheeky so and so come here and let me clip your ears pmsl

ohhhhhh Stevie .....
your treading on dangerous ground ...lol

pmsl Wenders.

Have you started on the wine early today?

Ooops, sorry I forgot, you gave that up last month along with shopping & the beauty salon. lol :o)))

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>RUNS OFF THREAD>>>>>>>>

wmsl...

The 'Perfect Password'


A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed:


P...E...N...I...S


His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:






**** PASSWORD REJECTED
NOT LONG ENOUGH***

can you tell im realy bored

Postman Pat's Last Day:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.
He said, 'F*** him. Give him a fiver.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

pmsl like it .... Wenders .... oh....
and yes i am a lady.......... splutters.......


LWH , .... you try very hard to be good ........
wmsl .......

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

did warn you lol and these were the clean ones i could use