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In the village of Magnum Comeley
Lived a maiden far from ‘homely’
Golden haired and luscious breasted,
restraint of all the boys she tested.
She’d smile at them with saucy glance
Let them think they had a chance.
But only foolish lads pursued
Or ever made a gesture rude.
Her father being John the vicar,
Hard on sin ( but soft on liquor)
He’d chase away with hellfire voice
Any suitor not his choice.
Which for the most part was the lot
They were not good enough for Dot’.

“ Dorothy until the day
A ‘prince’ appears, a maid you’ll stay!”

So Dot’ tried hard to toe the line
And not for fleshly pleasures pine.
She’d sit and read some moral tract
( whilst thinking impure thoughts in fact)
“ I don’t intend to go to waste
And spend my youth in being chaste
A man I’ll find my dad will like,
Not ‘Sam the milk’ or blacksmith Mike.
On Market day I’ll sell my honey
to make myself a pile of money
And visit the matchmaker’s house
For sure she’ll know a likely spouse!”

........

Dot:
"I know the type of man who could
Make me feel like I know I should
His arms are strong, his hands are clean,
I've never known him to be mean.
He throws temptation in my way
Not once a week but every day
I feel the pull, I feel the draw
I must go to the village store
And see that lovely man, my baker
Who knows the perfect way to make a
Good-sized pink or white iced bun
I'll go right now, I'll just buy one!"

So off Dot set, but on the way ...

And gath'ring up her honey pots
our Dot towards the town she trots.
The market square is heaving, full
of ducks and hens and lots of bull,
but Dotty finds a spot to sit
and though she's jostled quite a bit
she sells up all her jars of honey
and down her blouse she puts the money
"There it will be safe " she's sure
" till I knock upon the MM's door".....

But just before MM is paid
To find a man for our fair maid
Dot must go to the village store
And buy a bun or maybe more ...

The baker he can see our Dot
As down the road she starts to trot.
He grabs his buns and with a fair
amount of skill and baker's flair
He ices them and puts the tray
Of buns into the shop's display.
So Dot on coming near the store
Cannot take but one step more.
She must go in to buy a bun
But can she stop at just the one?

Dot enter in her nerves a' tingle
the bakery bell begins to jingle
"I'm with you soon, I'm just a'shoven
a stack of buns into the oven"
So says Tom the baker man
" get to me Tom as soon you can"
says Dotty "I have cash to spare
to buy that dozen iced buns there".....

The baker holds his buns aloft
"Buy one now, they're nice and soft"
He says, his voice a manly bass
And Dot, brave Dot, is on the case.

" Oh Tom" breathes Dot " they are the best
"I'll take a nibble , just to test"
" 'Tis only 'cause you are my cousin
I'll make it up, a baker's dozen"
So saying Tom he hands to Dot
an extra bun, but ooh it's hot.

Though Dotty knew she'd met her match
Would her father like her catch
She primed him well just to make sure
He'd not be thrown back out the door
She told him that - and taught him this
(Oh how she longed for his sweet kiss)
And when at last she thought him ready
(Her heart was pounding, she felt all heady)
She took him home to meet her dad
And hoped and prayed he'd like the lad.....

Her dad said”Aye,he's quite a catch”
And mother agreed they were a good match
With his own store and bakers van
Their daughter couldn't want a better man
When Tom proposed and Dot said yes
She dreamt about her wedding dress
And starting planning straightaway
For the all important wedding day

whilst Tom began his plans to bake
the most fantastic wedding cake
Dotty made her bridal frock
and raided haberdashers stock
across the county far and wide
for 'dressing of the perfect bride'
Silk and lace and ribbons blue
glass beads,feathers, buttons too

Invitations were sent out far and wide
For guests to toast the groom and bride
Then flowers ordered for bouquets
and for the gents' buttonhole sprays
Of course in the old wedding tradition
Dot's mum went on an expedition
to the shops to buy her outfit
with a fancy hat in navy and biscuit

The service went without a hitch
The choir sang out in perfect pitch
But the guests were all aghast
When came the part where the vicar asked
'Is there any reason they can't marry?'
And at the back up stood Harry
'Aye' he said, 'They can't be wed'
'He's got a wife and she ain't dead'

a deadly hush, the congregation
looks around in expectation
The vicar beckons Harry close
"just keep this brief don't get verbose.
Who and where's the bakers wife?
she must be found ! upon my life
I've never had a case like this,
hiatus to a life of bliss.
Look at the bride she is distraught
with thoughts of all the presents bought
that must be given back today
if there is truth in what you say"

Tom swears it wasn't 'im,
t'was his twin brother, Tim.

"Be it Tom, or Tim or Harry
I must be sure before I marry"
the vicar said "I think it best we
check the records in the vestry"

'I know she's in the county jail
For smashing Tom with a wooden pail'
Harry's voice rings clear and true
'His kids are with his mother who
Now has six more mouths to feed
Who knows where all of this will lead.'
Dotty fainted on the spot
Had Tom a wife that he'd forgot?
Was this her Tom so meek and mild
And she feared she was 'with child'

n

The vicar opened up the book
and a swig of holy water took
( twas really the communion wine
but being white it looked just fine)
"Tom if i find owt I didn't oughta
you'll never wed my Dotty daughter"

The records show that Harry lied
twas Tim whose Mrs was inside
and Harry caught out with the proof
confessed, "Alright it is the truth,
I wanted Dot here for my wife
I've watched her now for half my life
and see she has a way with money
a way with bees and bottling honey
a comely lass, of pulchritude
and eyes that get one in the mood
But if my wife she cannot be
I'll take her honey for my tea".
So saying Harry did retreat
to spread some honey on his meat
a change from eating tins of spam
he honey glazed a joint of ham
and made his fortune selling same
in plastic packs which bore his name.

Dot and Tom were wed that day
and 8 months later they did play
with little Sal their lovely child
who like Tom was sweet and mild
and loved her daddy's fairy cakes
and other stuff that bakers bakes
whilst Dot and Tom made more iced buns
and soon had some more little ones
a Bakers dozen, girls and boys
a life of pleasure, cakes and toys
So ends our tale, just as it oughta,
of Tom, and Dot, the Vicars daughter.

Brilliant RR I really enjoyed it all

Wendy x