General Chat

We put an advert about gran's funeral in the paper as we had no idea who knew her. There was no danger of her house being burgled - she died in a care home!
We never 'advertised' my bil's funeral, as the majority of the town knew him - so they knew when he'd died and when the funeral was - so if anyone wanted to burgle the house I suppose they could.
However - the neighbours kept an eye open.

RR said what I was going to -- It's a good idea to have someone stay in the house (even without a newspaper announcement; news travels). A neighbour might do it for a couple of hours.

I'll just mention another unconventional idea, along the lines of maggiewinchester's.

Our situation was a bit like yours, Puss. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, then it was six weeks in hospital, and 3 days at home and then he died. Except we didn't know until close to the end that he was dying.

My dad died in the middle of Canadian winter, 100 miles from our hometown where all family and friends are. Travelling distances in winter here can be hard, and snowstorms can interrupt the best plans. There would have been no point in having a funeral in the small town where my mum and sister live; he didn't know a soul there, and having people travel there could have been a nightmare.

It also would have been a little hard to plan as we had to wait for a post mortem to be done, and that was added stress ... So my mum and sister went to the crematorium on the day, and me and No.1, 300 miles away, spent that hour under a big blankie with a brandy and an episode of Heartbeat, one of my dad's favourite shows.

So we waited until May, when the weather was good, and had a -- never know what to call it! -- a get-together in the home town. A friend reserved the common room at an apartment building where my parents once lived, and we had, oh, nearly 100 people there -- nieces and nephews, old neighbours, old work and business colleagues who saw the notice in the paper. In hindsight, we should have got catered food in, it was a lot of work, but we had made sandwiches and people brought deserts, and we had photos around the room, a book for people to sign, and people who hadn't seen one another in many years mingled and talked.

My mum made a little talk, thanking everyone for coming and all, my oldest girl cousin said a few words ... and my brother and I did a reading of a funny sketch about George Bush and Condoleezza Rice called "Hu's on First". My dad was a huge Laurel and Hardy fan, and when that parody of "Who's on first" hit the internet, my brother and I both emailed it to my dad in Florida, and he printed it out and gave it to all his Republican neighbours in the trailer park. ;)

The people who came were very pleased with this chance to see and meet my dad's old friends and family. And for us, it meant that the immediate grief and stress of his illness and death were over so we were able to see past it, and the others didn't feel so much like they were walking on eggshells around the grieving family.

We did something similar but much smaller when my grandmother died. For my grandfather, a church sloist, we had a big funeral in his Protestant church, co-officiated by the new minister (who didn't really know him), and a Mennonite music director and Roman Catholic nun who had ministered to him in the nursing home.

But my grandmother wasn't religious, so a few weeks after her death we had a small gathering of family and friends in the church basement, catered by the church ladies, with some guitar and singing by friends of a cousin, and a few words from people there, including the lesbian clergywoman who had known my grandparents as a child. ;) For my other grandmother, we had a smaller gathering, just family (mostly cousins who hadn't seen one another since childhood) at a cousin's house, with a time for people to say a few words, and again, no funeral.

Okay, blah blah, I talk too much. I just wanted to say: there are different ways of doing things when someone dies. You might want to consider the unconventional way we seem to do it in my family -- waiting a little bit until the immediate family is feeling better, and not having the stress of planning for your family member's death at the same time as coming to terms with it yourselves.

And just spending time with him. That's what you want to do now.

Hi Puss I have sent a pm

Teresa

We didn't put a notice in the newspaper when dad died, the undertaker put their traditional notices in any local town where we wanted.
News got around the family like wild fire ( well my late mum's family actually, as dad never bothered with his sister in later life and he was probably the eldest surviving cousin at 91 ).
Although his death was sudden I had time to phone dad's friends from his address book and Xmas card list as we had to delay the funeral a few days for my sister to get a flight from USA.

His Xmas card list and address book were invaluable to know who to contact who wouldn't see the F.D notices and they were grateful to be told.
Take care, am thinking of you and the family at this sad time.

Sandie.xx

Just reading back and on from what I pmd Puss, several have mentioned the risk of putting a notice in the paper and leaving the house empty... in my case a relative with a young child who might have been upset at the service, elected to stay in the house and get the tea ready .

If you do decide to provide some refreshments at home ( they only have to be simple), you might have a friend who would be happy to stay at the house and help in that way?

You need really to get some input *gently and privately* from the main person your mum, as there is no turning back with regrets after the event.....she may not feel NOW its open for discussion but at the time things may change..

.*anger after that you didnt do *it* just right can have great repercussions.*

Hi Puss, l can understand the anger you are feeling,
when my sister and my mum had cancer they were both mis diagnosed and yes l was angry but it the end the anger has to go, you need to make this time with your s/dad special so you can look back and have some good memories of his last days/ weeks.
Still thinking of you all, x

When my Dad passed away, Mum left the funeral organizing to me and my brother.
We put an announcement in the newspaper, but we knew there would be many non-locals who wouldn't see it, so we went through Mum & Dad's address book and Christmas card list. Trouble was Mum couldn't remember who half the names were, so between us my brother and I took pot luck and phoned loads of people . They were all very grateful to be told, and we found one old chap to be an old school pal of my Dad's who still wrote a long letter every year with his christmas card!

As we weren't sure how many of the neighbours might come (in fact loads did) we had a little note put on the back of the hymn sheet which said "everyone is welcome to come back to ***** for refreshments afterwards".



When my aunt passed away last year, her sons came home from abroad to organise everything but rather than work through her address book, they just went by memory when contacting people. Unfortunately this meant some people didn't find out until after the funeral. In fact, one lady, a dear friend of my aunt who lived about 50 miles away, didn't find out until 3 months later, and she was greatly upset. She was from the village where my aunt was born and would have travelled to the funeral, come what may.

It's very wise to plan ahead. When the time comes, you're not always in the right frame of mind to be thinking clearly or remembering everything.


K x

thanks i understand what your saying, i wish i could snap out of this angry stage, as we know his comming death is negligence, for those that may query that 2006 doctors notes carcinoma insitu meaning cancer in sight no follow up ever happened dad was told his red scaly mark was nothing to worry about and was treated for linchen sclerosis since recent ly, im sure i will calm down and arrange things calmly but i cant get my head around this is actually happening .xxx

Sounds as if different families have different traditions!

We'd never put an announcement in the paper, as my parents thought it indicated to would be burgulers that the house would be empty, although obviously its up to you.

Our Solicitor advised opening the Will after the death, in case there was an special instructions. My Mum wanted no flowers, and no black clothing!

At my father's request when my mother died, and later him, we phoned relatives and close friends, then typed up a card to send to them and 'Christmas Card Friends' along the lines of
********
John Robert Smith passed away peacefully on 22 Aug 2020 at The Hospital, Any Town, Somewhere.

Funeral at Any Town Crematorium, Old Road, Somewhere on Mon 01 Sep at 1100 followed by refreshments at 22 New Street, Somewhere.

Family flowers only. Donation to Cats Protection League welcome.

RSVP to 22 New Street, Any Town.
********
If you do want flowers, then say were they are to be sent - usually the Funeral Directors.

You do need to provide refreshments for those who have come a distance. Fewer people take up the offer than you'd expect, but they do need the option. Many of your parent's generation expect it. If necessary, print out and take copies of a map showing how to get there. Grandchildren or OH's could be in charge of those and hand out them out when everyone is expressing their condolences after the service. Despite her grief, your mother may well welcome the 'tradition' of accepting condolences from the mourners, with her children by her side, to 'move them on'.

Even if you weren't planning to, you need some idea up your sleeve to take them to. One we went to last year, we knew wheren't intending to do so, so had planned our time appropriately, but one mourner had travelled to Sheffield from the South Coast unexpectedly, and the chief mourners took him only to the local garden centre cafe rather than send him on his way without a thank you.

One other thing - if you step father has recently been a member of the Freemasons, works retirement association, social club or similar, make sure they know.

It will be a sad time for you all, but you'd be amazed at the nervous energy you have to sort things out and move on to the next stage of grief.

I'd be wary of posting a notice in the paper as it's lets potential thieves know the house will be empty.

This happened to my friends when they got married. Got back from the wedding to change for the honeymoon and found everything had gone.

Rose

It really depends on the person.
We didn't actually arrange gran's funeral, my uncle did, but as we didn't know a lot of my grans friends, we put an advert in the paper. (which my uncle hadn't done)
We found out some people were unaware it was her funeral, as they knew her as just 'auntie' and didn't know her name!


When my brother in law died, we had 9 months to arrange his funeral, as he died of mesothelioma - (despite never working with asbestos - all thanks to bad management - I expect the 'management' are still alive) my sister phoned family and friends, both to invite them and to find out addresses of other old friends and sent out 'invitations' as she wanted old friends to send photos before the event, to display at the wake.
It was probably an unusual burial, totally unreligious.
My sister arranged everything - no funeral director was involved, friends just stood up and talked about my late bil. A horse and cart took his body to the burial plot, in a wood, and there was a wonderful party afterwards, celebrating his life, with pictures through the years, for all to see, and a book to write memories in.

Refreshments can be as easy as a cup of tea/coffee and sandwiches and cakes.

It's a difficult time so you have to make it as easy as you can for everyone. As Janey says - being prepared makes it a little easier when the time comes.

S x

thats a point ann about refreshments ok will think on that one ,
need to really look at that in a different way, thanks for the ideas xxx

no ann, although parents have friends there is only one relative who has descendents , , putting it in our paper could work but my poor mum wants it plain as possible , she dose'nt believe in a wake neither do i she dosn't want to celebrate his life she wants him here we are not to wear black i guess that goes on the advert, there could be people there that she has not seen in years therefor she wont want to speak to them, do i act like a body guard, im kind of doing that now xx

Yes Janey's idea is right puss. local paper then phone people who are friends/relatives who wont see the paper. Are you planning to put on refreshments for those who will have travelled and close friends? If so when people come to speak to you after the cremation you can invite them to wherever the refreshments are.

thanku everyone xxx, im the eldest and its only us and kids from a previous they are being great too xxx

Janey's idea is good Puss.

Puss we announced in the local paper but we also sent out 'invites' that being because dad died so far way from the UK.

Not an invite as such just a
to let you know the crem of *****
will be held at ******
and after at *******
No flowers please but donations / stroke flowers to be send to ///////

PM me if you want to know more

An announcement in the local paper's space for funeral and death announcements is what you do.

But for family and close friends, and even old friends who've lost touch, a telephone call is important. At least, where I am, I can't speak to local customs.

My mum moved away from her hometown 10 years ago, and keeps in touch with close friends, but they aren't all close to other friends of hers. Twice in the last year -- a former neighbour / good friend, and the husband of a former neighbour / very good friend -- there were deaths that she didn't know about until after the funeral. She would have driven the 100 miles to attend had she known, to pay her respects and see the family. She couldn't understand why a couple of people in particular wouldn't have let her know.

So if you have a family member, or friend of the family, who is not so close to your stepdad that they won't be up to the task when the time comes, that you can ask to do this, it's a good idea to talk to them ahead of time. And make a list of names and numbers. Nobody feels like doing it when the time comes.

Putting the list together could be something your stepdad would want to contribute to, or you might just ask him for any special names -- or not, all depends on the person, and the family.

It's hard, but wise, to plan ahead. Makes it just a little easier down the road; done and it's one thing you don't have to think about then.

Best wishes to your family.