General Chat

You know when you're trying to help someone and you know that nobody really can because it has to be down to them to move forward, but you still try to say 'all the right things' to be encouraging.

might be a glass of wine night? lol

Rose, make it a bottle...lol

I beg of you Rose to touch not at drop right now, Tomorrow ...... maybe.

But not tonight.

I tried to help my friend for 3 years after her hubby went off with his secretary.Nothing worked .My friend ended up dying and me drinking too many glasses of wine !!.As you say Rose it is down to them.I have learned my lesson.You can only do so much.Enjoy your glass lol

Red, white or rose, ladies and gentlemen ? I have some half bottles and also 3 bottles that were bought as Christmas presents which didn't make it to recipients because of the snow :)

Visit today from old family friend whose husband died late last year, "what's the point of going on?" difficult one to answer without everything you say sounding hollow and cliched.

So how will the vino help you ?

I did that too, with a family member (who I didn't know well, but we had found eachother through genealogy in a way). I tried to encourage her over and over again by 'saying all the right things', which used to leave me totally drained. In the end, I sent her a very friendly, warm letter, but ended it by telling her that ultimately the only person who could help her was herself. That was 9 years ago and I haven't heard from her since.

Is this the friend ytou wrote about before Rose? Difficult one. As you say, it really is down to her to move on, you can't make her and neither should you feel responsible if she doesn't. All you can do is be there to listen.

Enjoy your glass of wine.

It's alright to say nothing if you can't find the right words. Sometimes just holding a person's hand or giving them a hug is all that is needed.

Sue x

Sorry got disconnected there, nothing to do with opening a bottle ;p)

Robin, I don't driink much, maybe two or three glasses a year, it won't 'help' as such but it will make me a little 'merrier' :)

Ann, it is the same lady, basically the shock is wearing off and the grief setting in, 40 odd years of marriage and doing everything together she is finding it very hard.

Suemaid, hugs were given :) told Dan not to crush her bones with his usual bear hug lol, he dooes give good hugs!

Wend, there comes a point where I think you do have to tell it straight, and risk offence, this lady is older and has always been an emotional bubbly person so in a way I think it has hit her harder , they had such a good marriage she has lost the other half of herself really.

I hear what you say Rose.

In that case ................... maybe I was a little too cautious,

Rose, I think you'll find she is following the 'pattern' (for want of a better word) of grief. First denial, then grief/, next will possibly be anger (why has he left her?). I can't remember all the stages but somewhere along the line she will hopefully reach 'acceptance' which may be when you can help her by being there.

There are a number of stages of grief and each stage can be long or short depending on the person's coping mechanisms.

Denial - this can't be happening to me.

Anger - why did he/she leave me

Bargaining - I'll do anything to see him/her again

Depression - I know now that he/she isn't coming back and I'm alone so what's the point in going on

Acceptance - I'm still sad but life goes on

There is no time limit for each stage - in fact the depression can last a long time.

Sue x

Ann & Sue, I know from losing my mum that all of those apply, it makes it more difficult in that there are practical decisions which need to be reached sooner rather than later, or they will contribute to the depression, isolation from other people being one due to location and transport difficulties. But i can't do much really except to listen and make suggestions to consider.

Back off and wait for them to need you.......There is absolutely nothing you can do barring let them know you are there and let them talk.....They have to go through all the stages and there is nowt else you can do.......

SueMaid - that really sums up the grief process. I have c & pd.

Rose, you sound a very good friend and what are good friends for, if not to laugh, cry and support eachother in times of happiness and sadness.

Just watch that drinking - don't overdo it now :-))

~~~~~ as I finally get back on the internet, it's playing up tonight! No wine opened lol, decided on coffee and an early night instead :)

Night night to one and all

xx

Wend - I've done courses in Grief and Loss but it's amazing that it didn't mean anything when my father died. However I was able to help when my neighbour's lovely husband passed away.

S x

One can read, one can try to understand the process and the stages, one can empathise to a certain extent, and one can hold a hand and be there for someone in case needed, but when bereavement comes personally, that is totally different; you know what the books say, but when it is personal, you don't always react and behave according to the textbooks :-)
( hugs )

Well done for trying to help your friend Rose, and for staying off the booze afterwards. At least your friend knows you care about her and made her welcome. I think you have to just leave the door open for her to talk with you sometimes, I know it can bring you down when she is lost and not seeming to make progress but what's the alternative other than ignoring her sadness.

It's such a shame that many people live only for their partner or children and then when loss happens, whether from death, divorce or the children moving out, there is nothing to fill the gap.

I hope as the days lengthen and brighten your friend can be persuaded or feel able to make the necessary decisions and do what is best for herself.

Lizx