General Chat

Lynda

If you dont want to contact them direct could you not give their names and addresses to your conultant and ask him to send a letter saying he has a patient who has ???? condition and he has been given their name as a posible relative and feels they should seek medical advice from their dr.

d x

I've already given my opinion but have to add having read some more of the thread.

I would never criticise anyone for giving a child up for adoption but I also thoroughly agree with the columnist Janey's quoted - I think suggestions that anyone should pretend to be something other than a sibling are bordering on offensive. There is nothing grubby about being an adoptee - I would advise anyone to act with thoughtfulness but with honesty.

We all know our parents have lived lives other than as our parents and although of course news of a unknown sibling can be a shock, I've never personally known of anyone being devastated by it.

Lynda

From a slightly different aspect. I was contacted a little while ago by someone searching for her BM - at first I thought she might have been a sister (my father had been a bit of a womaniser lol) and was really excited to think I had another sister........2 just isn't enough for me lol.

As it happens she is my cousin and I, and my sisters, are really happy that she has found us! Although I didn't know her BM (my aunt), I was able to give my new found cousin a lot of help and info to put her in touch with her half siblings........how that pans out in the future, who knows?........but she has definitely been welcomed into mine and my sisters lives.

And I absolutely agree with the *expert* view posted by JaneyCanuck (apart from the "bad decisions") - our parents don't own us!

~~~~~~~~~~to JC, good to see you back with us. :-))))))))))

Mary

I feel for you as it's a very difficult decision.

I'm inclined to think that you should let them know,sensitively,without spilling the beans completely on your relationship with them.Maybe you could say that these genetic conditions "run in the family"-you don't have to say how close the relationship actually is.You could be guided by their reaction.

Alternatively some people have suggested doing it through a 3rd party and that's probably a good idea.If I was in their position I would want to know if there were some hereditary conditions that could potentially be dangerous to my health.

It's a hard one-they may be delighted to learn of a new relative-or there again they may not!

Good luck whatever you decide.Go with what seems fair and reasonable,and respect their wishes.

I think, if you want to make contact then it should be done honestly.

I feel making that contact using an ancestor as your reason is starting a lie, however well intentioned, which may backfire in time. At some time truth will out & have to be dealt with.

If you wan't to contact these people, seek proffesional help, People who are used to dealing with this sensitive issue.

Contacting them directly could panic them if they dont know about you.
They need to know you & your claims are genuine, so someone acting as go between who has the skills may pave a more positive way. That way,its done in a sensitive manner & medical details are passed on officially even if personal contact is unwanted.

Good luck whatever you choose to do x

Lynda


are you absolutely sure that the medical conditions were inherited from your b mother?

Is it all possible that they may have come down from your b father?


Are they siblings or half-siblings?


If the latter, then it is possible that they do not face the same potential threat.





sylvia

Adie, I am sorry you lost your Mum recently but how sad for your half sister who didn't have the chance to know her - no wonder she felt bitter. I do think you could have been a bit more forgiving of her attitude and given her time to recover from the shock. Try and imagine how you would have felt if things had been the other way round. Maybe you would have got on her nerves but she might have been kinder and supported you a little more.
Don't forget what goes around comes around.

Liz

ive found my half sister, from my mum who passed away in december 2010, she hadnt seen my mum,ie her mum as well for 43 years, she was greatfull for me letting her know about mum but she was a bit bitter about it all and there fore she got on my nerves and i dont want to hear from her again! lol, but its your choice to find and contact who you like, if you feel strong about it then do it i say, good luck from adie

Hi Lynda

I wasn't adopted but ... well, to cut a long story short, I discovered that there were quite a few half-siblings who had no idea of my existence, born earlier and from my BM's previous marriage.

It's a miracle but I have found one half-sister, met her and we got on famously.

I wish you all the best whatever decision you make.

Take care

xxx Shimms xxx

Hi Lynda

I wasn't adopted but ... well, to cut a long story short, I discovered that there were quite a few half-siblings who had no idea of my existence, born earlier and from my BM's previous marriage.

It's a miracle but I have found one half-sister, met her and we got on famously.

I wish you all the best whatever decision you make.

Take care

xxx Shimms xxx

I would make contact - some years ago through family research a branch of family was tracked and they had not known about it but it was the sudden death adult syndrome and was in the papers. Going on from that cousin said to me his gdau had diabetes and family did not have it. I was able to tell him 3 cousins had it and which ggmother it came from!

Jill has given good advice.

Lynda, you might find this column from last Saturday's Toronto Star interesting. "Ethics" isn't quite as much of a science as the weather, but here's an "expert" opinion just to think about.

(I agree with his opinion on the main question, just not on some of the other comments. I don't think that referring to a woman giving up a child for adoption in the 1940s (or getting pregnant when unmarried in the 1940s) as a "bad choice" is quite fair or honest -- as Jillian says, some decisions "are thrust upon us" -- and I think he may be much too hard on the mother here, but that doesn't come into your situation.)


http://www.thestar.com/living/article/940753--gallinger-adopted-brother-
has-the-right-to-get-in-touch-with-brothers-even-if-mother-objects

Gallinger: Adopted brother has the right to get in touch with brothers, even if mother objects

Q: My husband was born in the 1940s and given up for adoption. After a long search, he learned the identity of his birth parents, and the fact that he has several brothers.

He contacted his birth mother, and cautiously requested permission to be in touch with his brothers. She informed him that they knew nothing of his existence, and he was, under no circumstances, to get in touch.

His birth father died of cancer. Recently, my husband saw his doctor, who told him he had precancerous tissue that might lead to the form of cancer that killed his dad; the doctor advised him to notify his brothers so they could be screened.

He repeated this request to his birth mother, but her negative response was even more emphatic. My husband knows how to contact his brothers but feels constrained by his mother’s wishes. What should he do?

A: He should contact them.

Giving birth to a child does not give parents control over them for the rest of their lives. And especially, it does not give them the right to manipulate their relationships with other people. We give birth to children, nurture them and set them free to make the best decisions they can. That’s why parents get a birth certificate, not a bill of sale.

Your husband is his mother’s son. But he is also his brothers’ brother, whether she likes it or not. You don’t tell me why he was put up for adoption while the other brothers were raised by their birth parents. Nor do we know why the parents chose not to tell the younger boys of their brother’s existence. There are many reasons, both good and bad, why they may have made that decision.

But in the end, none of that matters. The simple fact is that your husband has brothers, and his parents have no right to prevent him from talking to them.

Certainly, making contact has the potential to be disruptive for the family, and that’s too bad. Sometimes we make bad decisions, and they disrupt our lives later on. But the decision to keep your husband’s existence secret was made by his parents, not by him, and the responsibility for repairing any damage that results is theirs, not his. And yes, I know his mother is now old – but such is life.

The medical information your husband has is important, and the willingness of his mother to deny that information to her sons points to an approach that has likely defined her entire relationship with her kids. She’s afraid, but it’s sad that she puts her fear above her sons’ health. They have every right to know of this potential time bomb ticking inside them; your husband has a responsibility to share what he knows.

But even without the medical aspect, even if all your husband wanted to do was share a game of golf with his bros, he has the right to do so. If he contacts them and they tell him to get lost, so be it. But that’s a decision for these mature men to make – not something to be controlled by a guilt-ridden, and ultimately selfish, mother.



I would just add that apart from the adoption issue, I am always of the view that if someone *needs to know* as you say is the case here, you tell them, regardless of the effect on yourself, and let them make their own choices then. Withholding information that someone else needs isn't ethical. ;)

I don't envy you the decision you have to make, but I do wish you well in whatever you decide.
Jillian's suggestion/s struck me as appropriate.

Good luck .


K x

Lynda, would you like to make contact with them regardless of this? I would say go with your gut instinct - they have just as much right to know about you (if they don't already) as you do about them. Being given up for adoption doesn't make you dirty and as long as you act with the best of intentions and sensitivity, I personally think honesty is the best policy.

1).There is no way you can hold the lid on your exsistance if you go ahead to have these other people informed of, if any potential illness they may be a carrier of.

2)If any contact is made,,it needs to be done by a qualified person and one in full medical knowledge of any health conditions that may affect them or their family members and any outcome it will have.

It would be wrong for contact to be made just to inform them from the onset of health issues.You as a shock is one thing that coupled with serious conditions could send them running for the hills.

Crumbs Lynda!What a feeling of responsibility you must have.I am adopted and like you had a wonderful life.I looked for my Birth family after my Mum and Dad had both passed away.I have found half siblings.B Mother no longer with us.I was in fact 1 of 8 and the only one to be adopted.I did find out some of the medical history of the siblings who have died and my B Mother.I at least know of heart problems in 2 siblings and an Ovarian Cancer in a sister .Touch wood I have had no problems,but at least I do have a little background knowledge now.
I wish you well in whatever you decide to do.
Jane x

I think that the right thing to do is to make contact. However, you don't have to let them know exactly what your relationship is.

Unless they've done any family history themselves you could probably say that you are related to them by some common ancestor two hundred years back.

You could say you have been told the conditions you have are hereditary so as you have found them to be new kin, out of concern, you are letting them know.

And if they ask, then just pick out a relative. And if you are short of someone that far back you can borrow one of mine and we can create a false tree if you wish.

At the end of the day in the life we have, we all have decisions to make that are thrust upon us. I've definately been there. Whatever you decide, do what you feel is the right thing to do for you. You will always have to live with whatever you decide to do. What I found is that some people understand and know that I did the right thing and others don't and they judge me badly. In my heart I did absolutely the right thing and have no regrets whatsoever.

My thought is that you make contact or even get someone to do it for you - perhaps a social worker or the Salvation Army or even a friend that you trust. The family need never know about you. Sad but you've done your best for them then and what happens after that is up to them.

If you need a volunteer friend even to make contact with an organisation to keep you truly anonymous, I'll do it for you.

I think that you are very special to do what you are doing.

Jill

If you have them ( heath issues) and they easily identified, I guess they will have been diagnosed the same anyway.

What are the chances of them having inherited? presumably ( maybe not) you are the dau of a father that had an affair, hence the shock, or a previous marriage perhaps?

How do you know which side the gene came down? Can you find out?

i think if it was me,

ie, i had a half sister i didnt no about, but she had health issues that may effect me, i would want to know, if not for me for my children and future grandchildren etc,

however, i can see your dilema of not wanting to rock the boat and course upset, if they dont know about you,

i think its a very hard choice to make, but like i say if it was me id want to know,

how you would apporach it, maybe a letter explaining everything, with a contact number, then if they wish to get in touch they can, but if they dont they know of the health condition and can do with the info as they may,

good luck in what ever you decide, x

Thank you very much for your response. I would be a half sister which I think could come as a shock. As I said, I have no wish to cause anyone any concerns.

My consultant advised that I should let siblings know. My own childen have one of the conditions and are carriers for the other. Both are need to know conditions and have to be treated. Indeed, one is life threatening if not treated.

Sorry feel I have rambled here but feel extremely nervous about the whole situation.