General Chat

I want to move back to my home town in Kent, hubby agrees but the only thing stopping us is our 18 year old son who still lives at home, he has been working full time since September and not paid any rent as he passed his driving test and wanted to buy a car but soon realised how costly it can be, then Christmas was coming up and I told him to put it towards Christmas presents, soon after he broke up with his girlfriend and all thoughts of a car were forgotten but in the last couple of weeks they have got back together and all he think of is getting a car. Me wanting to go back home has built gradually, and I told my hubby and we have started looking a t properties down there, I miss the sea , I miss my friends from there, I just want to be there, but we told our son about 2 weeks ago and he is not at all happy, he says he wont be able to afford a car or holiday now, and why do we have to move so far away anyway (2 and a half hours ) I feel really selfish on one hand but on the other I have spent 30 years bringing up my family and feel its my time now, my other 3 children think I should do it, What should I do ?

I would not feel selfish, Crystalcat, and I hope that you are able to find a property you like back home.

Cat Move and leave him behind ..he can get a bedsit and pay rent !

Sorry and joking aside I really do think you should return to Kent as you wish to and certainly you should not feel selfish about wanting to live your life happily. I'm sorry if that upsets 1 member out of 6 of your family but he has to realise that he won't be at home forever so you can't plan your future around his wants.
I would certainly be charging him rent by now, I would give him the choice to either move with you or find a place of his own.

I can see that his displeasure would be upsetting but how will you feel if in a few years from now he left home and that move never happened for you.
Move and enjoy it.

AS Uzzi said, you can't always plan your life around your children, nor should you when they reach adulthood.

Why not............start charging him rent now and put it in a savings account. Then by the time you are physically ready to move, (houses sold and purchased) you will have saved enough on his behalf to put down a rental deposit. Perhaps one of his siblings can squeeze him in to their home or flat share with him? And he can have a 'holiday' in Kent with you!

ive been in a dilemma too but not moving it was about making my son and girlfriend leaving my home, they were both working but saving for a deposit, her parents who are rich asked them to leave , so i had no choice to take them into my 2 bed house that me specky and daughter live in, so they made the diner part of my kitchen a bedroom.

they started paying me a tenner a week but it stopped my fault should have spoke up but didnt thinking it was my job, (mother for life) attitude, but never again, they total abused my home, moved out and didnt even clean up after them, my son would only wash his plates up etc, when i said i cannot cope with any more mess than what me specky and daughter created and the only job i asked of him was to do dishes, any way there in there flat its freezing the heating is electric and there on a card meter pay as u go , so think its now sunk in about costs etc and what we actuall did for them. so my answer u go cat youve done your part for 30 yrs xxxxx

He is legally an adult. and will move on with his life anyway and hopefully get a place of his own. Personally I would make your plans and tell him its his decision whether he moves or stays.

Its the big wide world out there and whether he can afford a car or holiday should be down to him not you giving him a free ride living rent free,
I started work at aged 15 and gave my mum keep money from the start even when I went on holiday she wanted and got my usual rent .

Sorry if this sounds hard but we had a simllar scenario with our 18year old grandson who made a big fuss but stayed put when our daughter moved ,He soon realised the value of money and cost of living and got his act together.

Oh dear, he won't be able to afford a car or a holiday, how sad is that. He wouldn't have been able to afford it either had he paid a proper rent. My sons paid £100 per week once they were fully employed whilst still at home.

Don't feel selfsh, get on and do what you want with your life.

I agree with everyone on here .
Go and live your own life . You will still be there for him 2 1/2 hrs is not so far away i live 4/5 hrs from one son and 6hrs from another but we are always in contact with each other and see each other when ever possible
go and live your dream Crystalcat you may not get another chance .
Hazelx

think i can understand both side here

yes if you want to move then you should son can make his own mind up weather to follow or not
but his still only young at 18

on his part it not his fult his only 18 and has his own things to do an still live with you and bless him for working as jobs are heard to come by

so i see him as just being his adult hood and happy were he is and you want to uproot and move

it is a tricky one as what do you do for the best for you and your son

now i see you say older children say you should move
but how much older are thay and have thay settald with family of there own
would thay of though diffrent if you was to tell them you want to move and thay was still 18

not share if im putting this right

Thank you everyone for your very helpful replies, it has made my mind up, He has to grow up some time and cant stay here forever ! Thanks again xxx

Crystalcat

I had 5sons and one daughter and we always "charged" then something towards their keep once they had a job. When they left home they were astonished to be given 75% of what they had paid me, i deliberately kept the remaining 25% which also was given to them when they left Uni, or moved out of their home.

We moved to Spain because it is a country we love, and all the children by then were and still are scattered across UK or in Holland and Spain.
Glad to read that you have come to a decision.

pmsl my Dad taught me the meaning of borrowing money

at 16 I was at college and wanted a yellow skirt at the cost of a fiver Dad said I could have it but because they had already bought all my clothes etc I had to pay back out of my pocket money at a quid a week for 6 wks ..

yea ofcourse dad said I ..knowing he wouldn't do it ..

He did that 6th week Dad took the quid out of my pocket money and when I asked why he said Interest learn to live with it if you borrow !!!

Since then I have borrowed money again from dad and always paid interest.
What a wonderful lesson mind !

I am glad that you have come to a decision. Maybe we should not be too hard on him because you have allowed him to become settled with not paying rent. And we can't judge by what we older ones did either, accommodation is hard to come by and much more expensive than it was. However, he will cope because they can and do. Ask yourself what would he have done had he decided to move out and live with a grlfriend? Would he have worried about what you thought? No of course he wouldn't because the young are basically self centred enough to only consider how things affect them. Advise him to see if he can find a house share, there are often youngsters looking for a friend to share expenses. he is working, probably not earning a lot but he should be able to find something. Would you be able to help him with the deposit for tenancy? Or, given that moving takes time do as somebody said, start charging rent and then give it back as a deposit.

good luck with your move.

Ann I agree that we shouldn't be to hard on him as Cat has allowed him to swerve responsiblity ..but it is time he learnt reality

We decided we wanted to move back to our home town when my boys were 18 & 19. Neither of them wanted to come with us because of jobs, girlfriends etc so they decided to rent a house between them. I will be honest and say that I wasn't altogether happy about this but had to accept it because they were both adults. They found a property and moved out but it was over 2 years later that we eventually moved because the sale of our business fell through at the last minute. Oldest son moved back to our home town 6 months before us in the end because he got a better job, stayed with his grandparents. Youngest son said he was fed up paying rent so bought a house instead.

It was the best thing that ever happened to them because when they were living at home they were a couple of messy beggars and never seemed to have any money for anything apart from partying. They learned that dishes and clothes don't wash themselves and even learned how to use the vacuum. lol. Most important though was the fact that they learned that money doesn't grow on trees. :)).

Do it now for your selves because he may have moved iut himself in 2 years time or even worse still living with you in ten years. lol

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Go for it !!!!!! Soon as you can. I left Kent in 1972 with my job and moved to midlands. I always regretted the move but the job and 2 children to keep meant I had to stay. 12 years later I had the chance to go back but I never took it and now here I am, where I don't want to be, my brothers and cousins and old friends are still in Kent and it costs me a fortune to drive or get the train there. And do I miss the sea after nearly 40 years? you betcha!!!

So if you have the chance do it - your son will have no hesitation about leaving you and moving away if he gets the money. I stayed in the midlands for my children, now they are grown up and gone- 1 lives in London the other is in Australia and i have no relative near me. I am in my seventies and now its too late for me to move. The difference in house prices between where I live and the south coast near Folkestone where i want to go is vast. For me it is impossible so:

GO FOR IT NOW!!!!!!!

No car no hloiday my heart breaks for him ..............NOT!!

Welcome to the real world ...the world you have just brought him through with all the support possible ...he pays you no rent

Sorry bit its time he realised he is an adult just like you and his dad ..

Move to Kent and ENJOY

IGP I feel guilty now. My son only works part time but gives me £50 per week. I also expect him to do chores around the house.

£50 a week sounds good if he is part time. so I wouldn't feel guilty at all.

If they think they are paying too much simply add up the household bills, rent or mortgage, council tax, gas, electric, insurance, food, phone etc and divide by the number of working adults.

They will then realize which side their bread is buttered on.

When my elder daughter came back to live with me, she wasn't earning much, but I asked her for a quarter of her earnings as 'keep'.
Not bad considering my rent and council tax was nearly half my income - and her return meant I had to pay full council tax!
I was still subsidising her,but she learnt the value of money!

Go for it CC - He's young and will survive and learn!
I'm sure if things get too desperate, he'll find Kent quite appealing!! LOL